Season Finale

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A couple of television shows have recently ended their season. A few have even ended their series. I feel like I’m coming to my true season finale. 

After experiencing a season of heartbreak and heartache, Matt is able to move forward and reconnects with Randy. They are friends again, but something in Randy has changed. He still yearns and loves Matt, but it is now up to Matt to make the final commitment.

Meanwhile, back at home, Randy’s best buddy, Cliff has decided to move away to another country with his partner. This time for good. He’s known Cliff for almost 15 years now and Randy realizes this will be a huge shift for him. Along with that, Randy’s other friends are all pairing up – leaving him as the sole “single person.” What’s surprising to Randy is that his new friend, Andy, has also gotten in a relationship. Randy didn’t realize how much it actually hurt because he knew that Andy genuinely cared for him. 

Randy’s gal pal, Mary, is also refocusing her energy and is at risk of losing her job and moving on. He tries to be there for her as supportive as possible, but Mary is in turmoil.

Karen continues to provide wisdom and support despite all these changes in Randy’s life. He finds himself becoming a recluse – ignoring the party invitations as he starts to disengage. On top of that, a new career opportunity presents itself to him. Something very high profile with a higher salary. If he decides to move forward with it, it will forever alter his career path, closing doors and opportunities that are currently there.

Randy is at a crossroad in his life. Does he make that move? Does he stay in Seattle? Will he get the man of his dreams back? Will he be forever single? What new characters will appear next season? Does Randy find love again? 

Cut to the final scene: Randy is waiting at the airport terminal. Alone. In his hand is his boarding pass and passport. He’s about to travel to parts unknown. He picks up his mobile phone, turns on Facebook and checks-in at the airport. His status update to his friends: “Round and round he goes; where he stops – nobody knows….” The voice over the loudspeaker announces that its time to board the plane. He puts his phone in his pocket and boards the plane.

The season has ended; and a new one begins. Much sooner than you think!

Black

“The song is about letting go,” said Vedder. “It’s very rare for a relationship to withstand the Earth’s gravitational pull and where it’s going to take people and how they’re going to grow. I’ve heard it said that you can’t really have a true love unless it was a love unrequited. It’s a harsh one, because then your truest one is the one you can’t have forever.”

Everything is temporary; Nothing is permanent.

Everything is temporary; Nothing is permanent.

In Tibetan Buddhism, a mandala is an imaginary palace that’s contemplated during meditation. On the outer level they represent the world in its divine form; on the inner level, they represent a map by which the ordinary human mind is transformed into the enlightened mind; and on the secret level, they predict the primordially perfect balance of the subtle energies of the body and the clear light dimension of the mind.

Reunited

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It was Thursday after 5:00 pm when I received his text.

I was still in the office finishing some last minute projects prior to my departure the next morning. It was unexpected and surprising. “How are you?”

I felt the numbness that comes when you receive a message when you least expect it. It was a surreal moment and at the same time welcoming. I did not even allow myself the opportunity to imagine this day, this moment. No. I had accepted his silence and decision to disengage. I had made peace with him leaving my life. I could not see a future where he would return. 

“Were you really going to leave DC without even texting a hello?”

I respected his decisions. I thought he didn’t want to be in touch anymore.

“I think I would value having you in my life as a friend very highly.”

We agreed to meet at 8:00 pm at my hotel. The anticipation had begun. After an early evening meet-up at a restaurant with a colleague, I quickly returned to my hotel room to freshen up. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought how old I looked. I also saw how unpresentable I was. It was a long week and I had no plans of seeing him ever again. The bags under my eyes seemed so pronounced.

He would be here in 5 minutes.

I changed my shirt and sweater. I was happier in this outfit. (And warmer too!) I took a deep breath and told myself I could do this. He just wants to reconnect…for friendship. I proceeded down the elevator and found the couch in the lobby that faced everyone. The next few minutes felt like a million years. I sat down on the couch and unbuttoned the bottom button of my coat. I pulled out my iPhone and began to read my Twitter feed.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him. It had been over a month since we last saw each other. Even longer since we last spoke…since I last held him in my arms. I stood fast and noticed how quickly he was moving towards me. I moved even quicker. 

Time stood still. Everything around us just stopped. I held him close; he held me closer still. Oh my God. How I missed him so. I held him again. I didn’t care who was watching us. He held me tightly as well. I could feel myself in his strong embrace. I felt his chest breath against mine. I didn’t want this moment to end.

We walked briskly to the restaurant. Catching up on the past several weeks. I was reminded of a visit last November where he and I walked to another restaurant. I held his hand in mine and I was so tempted to hold his hand again, but he just wants to be friends, right? 

We sat at the bar and ordered our drinks. The food came out soon afterwards. We talked about work; we talked about dating. The question did gnaw at me and so I asked him: “Why now? Why after all this time have you decided to reach out to me?” He told me that he was finally ready to be my friend. That he has learned to let go of a lot of stuff over the past several weeks. I told him that it suited him. I wasn’t ready to give in yet. I had my wall up and didn’t open up as easily as he did. I wanted to be sure there was no coldness, no uncaring, no traps for me to fall into. 

The dinner ended and we proceeded outdoors. I wanted to give him the choice. I didn’t want to be the desperate Ex-lover who wanted him badly. No, I gave him the choice.

“So, do you have to go home now? Do want to go home now? Or do you want to hang out?”

He told me that he really should go back home. He was tired and needed rest. At that moment, my heart dropped and felt the moment slipping away. But something in him paused. He wanted to see me. So instead, we headed back to my hotel room.

I turned the TV on in the room and proceeded to put my jacket in the closet. He had already made himself comfortable. I smiled at him. I sat on the bed next to him. There was a space between us, but that lasted only seconds when I said: “Come here.”

This is what I was craving the most. Him next to me. Near me. Pressed up against me. His head on my chest. I smelled his hair and kissed his forehead. He was mine again and I was his. I held him close. “Are you okay with this?”, he asked. “Yes,” I said. With all my heart, YES.

We kissed and I held him close. His familiar touch, his familiar scent, his familiar taste… We were together again. At that moment, I realized that my vision of the Jellyfish had come true. I was frightened and humbled at what the Goddess had given me. 

Oh Matt, how I’ve missed you so much.

Appendix: Aphrodite

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Image

In Greek mythology, Aphrodite is the goddess of love, beauty and sexual passion. She was born when Uranus was castrated by his son Cronus, his severed genitals thrown into the ocean began to churn and foam about them. From the aphros (“sea foam”) arose Aphrodite, and the sea carried her to the Isle of Cyprus.

After her birth, Zeus feared that the gods would fight over Aphrodite’s hand in marriage so he married her off to Hephaestus, god of fire. She loved gaiety and glamour and was not at all pleased at being the wife of the smithy Hephaestus. He forged an embroidered girdle for her called Cestus, which had the power of inspiring love. Aphrodite loved and was loved by many gods and mortals. Among her mortal lovers, the most famous was Adonis. Some of her sons are Eros, Anteros, Humenaios and Aeneas. Her favorite birds were swans and doves, and the rose and myrtle were sacred to her.

Ancient mythology furnishes numerous instances in which Aphrodite punished those who neglected her worship or despised her power, as well as others in which she favoured and protected those who did homage to her and recognized her sway. Love and beauty are ideas essentially connected, and Aphrodite was therefore also the goddess of beauty and gracefulness. In these points she surpassed all other goddesses, and she received the prize of beauty from Paris; she had further the power of granting beauty and invincible charms to others.

Her festival is the Aphrodisiac which was celebrated in various centers of Greece and especially in Athens and Corinth. Her priestesses were not prostitutes but women who represented the goddess and sexual intercourse with them was considered just one of the methods of worship.

The most detailed information on Aphrodite may be found here: http://www.theoi.com/Olympios/Aphrodite.html 

A Vow

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I come out of the darkness…with new hope.

A vow of celibacy this year.

No more Looking.

No more Dating.

No more Hook-Ups.

It’s just all about Me.

This means, I’m no longer looking for a Soulmate. It means this Manifesto has come to a Pause. This is not the end. Think of it as the end of Season 1. It’s time for a break and I plan on taking a different journey this year.

I put on my pack filled with the bare essentials to keep me alive. To keep me going. I board up the cabin that I’ve called home for the past year and a half. A walking staff in hand, I take a deep breath. Close my eyes and the future is unknown to me. I open my eyes and there’s a path in front of me which I don’t know where it will lead. This journey is more grand and more breath taking than I have ever encountered in my life. I pull the cloak over my head, its cape dragging behind me. The wind starts to pick up and the sun begins to rise. With my head up, I walk into the great Unknown…

The Jellyfish

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Last night, I was in Restorative Yoga and we did a meditation sequence with a “vision quest” that focused on the Heart space. The room was dark with sounds of breathing from the other Yogi. Each of us centered in our own transcendence. The Yogini pulled back the curtain to our creative imagination and led us through this journey.

This is what I saw.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was alone in the darkness. I listened intently and heard the heart beat. My heart beat. Slow and steady. I was drawn to its warmth and dived within the Heart space.

 

While there, I summoned a sea creature. My spirit guide for this journey. I floated cross-legged within my beating heart. The rich dark colors surrounded me. I was in a fathomless chamber that contracted with every beat. I was alone for just a moment when the Jellyfish appeared. 

 

It floated angelically nearby – the size of balloon, its stalk and tendrils fluttering like strands of light coming off a moonlit bulb. It was pure white and transparent. Its ambient energy just humming and imitating the beating of my heart. I observed its beauty and gentle movements. It seemed curious about me and beckoned me closer.

 

In an instant, I saw images and memories flood my heart space. It was Matt. He smiled at me and spoke to me. These were echoes of times of Love. I flinched momentarily, feeling raw. I missed Matt and wanted to see him again. 

 

A space opened below – a dark void deeper within my Heart space. Some unknown chamber that held secrets yet to come. I looked at The Jellyfish and it quickly darted into the darkness and I knew I needed to follow. I banished the memories of lost love and closed my eyes and dived into the shadows.

 

I felt a warmth that surrounded me. It was water. I opened my eyes in the depth and saw that The Jellyfish which glowed white was lighting the passage. I didn’t have to swim. The Jellyfish had an invisible tether that pulled me gently along. It felt like a deep sea with only my guide and myself in its entirety. 

 

I broke through the surface of the water and found myself in a place of tranquility and serenity. The colors that surrounded me were many shades of dark blue. The Jellyfish aura surrounded me and emanated the waters around me. The shade of its light changed from white to a heavenly sky blue.

 

It emerged from the surface of the water and floated upwards as light as a feather and floated above my head, hovering with its now blue light. We were alone in this place where nothing existed. Nothing had been built. In the middle of an eternal ocean with dark blue night skies without stars. 

 

Yet, in the blink of an eye, I saw several meters ahead of me a crescent shaped beach only but the size of a small room. Another blink later, I noticed a single palm tree on the tiny island. Blink. The island of white sand seemed to expand another meter away. Each consecutive blink and the island began to grow.

 

The Jellyfish doubled in size, its tendrils stretched out towards me and it carried me out of the water. Like a balloon, The Jellyfish moved skyward and we floated to the island. It brought me back down towards the earth, and I stepped on its soft dry sand. The island was still small, but every time I blinked or took a breath another aspect of it changed. Like a blank canvas, this space was being painted by some cosmic force. 

 

Suddenly, I sensed a presence behind me. A feminine energy of great power and compassion. I turned around to face where I had come out. Like Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, a woman of remarkable, immortal beauty rose out of the waters and floated above the surface. Her feet gently stepped on the waters and she stood there smiling at me. I knew now this was the original maker who inspired Botticelli. I was staring at a Goddess. I was in the presence of Aphrodite.

 

She didn’t have to say a word. I felt her Love and her warmth. Her healing energy just swept through me. I collapsed on the sand in awe of her grace and power. I wept in her presence. Grateful for all that she had done. She gestured me to turn around.

 

There was another presence on the island. It was Andy. He smiled his lovable smile and moved quickly towards him. Hugging him close. It was so good to see him. I wasn’t alone anymore. The Goddess smiled and faded into the blue darkness.

 

Andy and I held each other in silence and he comforted me. By now, the island had grown hills in the distance. Lush vegetation had propagated everything outside of the beach. Yet, everything was still bathed in a blue tone. I looked into Andy’s eyes and he smiled at me. In my heart and mind, I knew what he was telling me: Everything is going to be alright. I pressed my head close to his chest, listening to his heart beat. Andy was now my guide. 

 

It felt like an eternity, but I knew it was only moments. My eyes closed in this peaceful surrender.

 

Andy roused me and I slowly stirred. I sensed another person on the island. Andy held my hand and walked towards an area of the island that hid that presence. I was nervous. Andy continued to comfort me. I was a bit fearful of who else was on this island. Somewhere nearby, The Jellyfish hovered, following us with its blue light.

 

Andy squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes with his charming looks. I now saw where he was leading me. Who he was leading me to. Standing there in the distance was Matt.

 

Andy moved us closer, my hand still in tow. I wanted to cry at that moment. There was Matt standing there smiling. In that instance without an exchange of words, he asked for my forgiveness and asked for my Love. Andy connected us – passing my hand into Matt’s.

 

I let go of Andy and held Matt close. We were together again. We were whole again. It was my turn to have him close to me. I never wanted to let go again… Andy stood nearby to support me. Matt in my arms to love me. Looking in the distance of this now monumental island, I saw magic before my eyes. 

 

A crystalline castle had grown from mountain hills, sparkling so magnificently beckoning all three of us. This was only a dream, right? What does this all mean? My heart space was now full.

 

We walked towards the castle and I woke up.

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day

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Dear Aphrodite,

Today is the day we honor you and your portfolio. I have learned the lessons of Love over the past 15 months. I have suffered two broken hearts in a span of a single year and still I devote myself to you. 

Yes, I understand that love has two sides: 1) a passionate, joyful and radiant light; and 2) a raging, all-consuming inferno. Both are eternal and ever-lasting. One connects and builds bonds between people; the other severs those bonds. Through it all, Love blinds us.

On this day of all days, I  write this missive to you in hopes you can hear me. I made a single wish on my birthday – which has yet to come true…if ever. It was a wish for Love. True Love.

I declare my commitment to Love. I declare my devotion to You. 

I know now how to wield Love as a sword and shield. To defend and to attack. To champion and to cripple. To protect and to wound. The sword cuts both ways. The shield bludgeons and bruises. One cannot have Love without the risk of pain.

So, I ask thee, Aphrodite, on this night of Love: make my wish come true. Lest, I will serve you in celibacy – a priest to the cause. To bathe others in the Violet light.

Love,
Randy