Monthly Archives: June 2013

Seattle Pride 2013

Clarity

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I finally hit my moment of clarity after over 6 months of analysis and contemplation. I give credit to Ayanna. We had lunch today at Japonessa and it was like old times. We’re officially caught up and up-to-speed on the trial and tribulations of our lives. Gotta love those 3.5 hour lunch dates – tears, laughter and all!

I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop feeling sorry for myself. I will give myself permission to cry when I want to, but I won’t feel sorry for myself anymore. It’s okay to feel sad once in awhile, but I will turn to the joy of life and revel in it. Life is too short to waste on misery and despair.

So, I’d like to thank my best friend and fag hag, Ayanna, for snapping me out of it.

The temperature is hot here in Seattle. The Sun is providing the Vitamin D I need to celebrate Pride this weekend. Although I’m alone, I’m going to celebrate my singleness. So, I’ve decided to fire up my Grindr once more.

I just updated my profile and photo and will take a look at it in about an hour. I wanna see who’s around. My therapist says I’m an attractive, intelligent, and amazing guy. I need to share myself with the world for all to see. I’m much better now than I have been the last few years. I am free.

I now need to be carefree. This is where I was 9 years ago and this is where I will be again. I can’t worry about what people think. I think this is the lesson I am learning.

Appendix: The Butterfly

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Image

Throughout the ages, the Butterfly has been described as an insect of beauty and grace as it flutters through the air in a delicate dance. Coming in various colors, disguising itself from predators, with indescribable patterns.

But the Butterfly is much more than that!

The Butterfly symbolizes metamorphosis and transformation. From its caterpillar form, it slowly weaves its chrysalis, biding its time until it has fully matured – finally, emerging in all its splendor as a Butterfly.

We all repeat this simple cycle in our lives. We crawl in stages that represent our infancy whether it be actual youth or as a beginning learner. After we have reached a certain point, we realize that we must transform ourselves to that next level. The transformation is slow, but eventual. We attain the pinnacle of our natural state. Emerging with our proverbial wings in full spread for the world to see.

This may occur multiple times throughout our lives for some; but for others – this transformation may only happen once. For very few, this never happens at all.

I would like to think that I’m in my chrysalis stage at the moment. I’m awaiting the end of this cycle. Watching through opaque walls that bind me. Restrained in a bundle, awaiting my freedom. Wanting to emerge, knowing that the beating of my wings in first flight has the potential to cause a tidal wave of change across the world.

30 Days of Night

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I’ve been in self-exile for the past 30+ days.

I refuse to go on dates. I refuse to fire up Grindr. I turn down events with groups of friends. I’ve been spending time alone. Except when I’m with my dog. I think I’ve been just trying to get some clarity in my life. I’m trying to get a good perspective of what my next steps should be.

Part of this process involves a lot of alone time. I’ve kept myself so busy for the first 6 months of singledom that I have distracted my true feelings. I’ve avoided feeling the pain of being single by keeping busy at work and filling my life with hook-ups and new friends. But towards the end of May, I had an epiphany.

My therapist said I still harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards my Ex. I’ve been keeping it bottled up with travel and keeping busy. I’ve not been confronting the core of my feelings. It’s always hard to face the truth and so much easier to run away & hide.

These “30 Days of Night” have been painful and gradual. By slowly taking away all of the stimuli, what did I have left buy my thoughts and feelings. My heart was bruised and covered in pain – my distractions denied me the opportunity to heal. It’s kinda like having a stab wound. If you constantly numb the area with anesthetics, then you really don’t know how much pain you’re in (or how much blood you’re actually losing).

I was becoming less and less of me. A shadow of my former self. But remnants of the loving and hopeful person still remains. I have to salvage what I have left of me – the person people adore and enjoy getting to know. It’s not fair to have that person just shrivel away. His existence must go on!

I think I’ve peeled the onion enough now. The tears are flowing. I’m beginning to let go. I’m beginning to grieve.

Bare with me while I start to walk towards the sliver of light appearing in the distance. I am famished. I am exhausted. My eyes are tired from all these tears. I think that light in the distance is dawn. This sunrise beckons a new day. No more night. Please. No more night.

Penis Size (Part 1)

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ImageI think its time I addressed the issue of penis size. Does it really matter in my next relationship? How important is it for me to consider penis size in a guy? Should I even care about penis size?

Without disclosing my own penis size, I want to just label myself as average. I don’t think I’m amazing at all. So, I really shouldn’t judge others.

In general, I think I’m attracted to guys who have average to above average penis sizes. I think I’m more intimidated with a guy with a large or extremely large penis. I’ve had all sizes: thick, thin, long, not so long, cut, uncut, average, massive. There are some cock sizes that I’m definitely more compatible with depending on the sexual act.

I think there is some function to penis size and what one is able to accommodate for it. I really am open to all sizes at the moment, but would prefer around the average/above average size. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being important, 1 being not  important; Penis size is about a 7 for me. But depending on the guy, whether personality and other areas of compatibility are the main attraction, then I definitely will put penis size to the bottom of the list.

Right now, penis size is a non-critical in the overall scheme of things. It’s a “Nice To Have” but I’m more drawn to the friendship and personality of the guy at this point.

Virtual Romance

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Out of pure boredom, I put up a Craigslist ad this past weekend. I had no intention of actually hooking-up – I just felt bored and lonely and wanted to see how many responses I would get. It was sort of an ego stroke to get me motivated to start dating, I guess.

I received several responses, about 10% were of interest. One guy was a married guy who’s wife was out shopping for the afternoon and he wanted to kill time. Another was a visitor to the Seattle area, probably married as well, in his early 30s wanting to get off. Also, the Rock-N-Roll Marathon was happening and I noticed one ad that was posted: 38 y/o Married White Male, looking for a quick release after the race. Interesting ads. In any given moment, the ads online exhibit such lust and desperation; it’s all very entertaining!

ImageAnyway, back to my ad, I received several responses, but decided to just flirt. One guy named “JD” was so interested in me, he begged to text me and wanted to send me explicit photos of himself. Hey, to each their own, right? I’m not into sexting at all. There was a time and age where I probably would have enjoyed it immensely, but I usually find it tiresome.

JD, however, begged and begged and begged for my mobile number. Being the skeptic that I am and distrustful of guys who I just met online, I setup my Textfree account and gave him my “fake” mobile number to text. So he started texting me and seemed quite interesting.

JD’s Stats:

  • 36 y/o White guy
  • Texting me from Akron, Ohio
  • Lives with his elderly parents who are in their 80s
  • HWP – around 5’10”
  • Very cute, if not, handsome face. (I wonder why he can’t find a guy? Oh yeah, he’s in Ohio.)
  • 3rd Grade School Teacher
  • Not technically savvy at all! (A huge turn off for me.)
  • Totally into me. Or else just horny as hell and wanting to get off.

So, I think I find JD physically attractive and if he was in the same city as me, I would hang out with him and probably go out for drinks. BUT he’s hundreds of miles away from me! On top of that, he’s still in the closet. As curious as I am to find out more about him and learn about his closeted existence, I realized that this would be an investment of my time and my emotions. I genuinely care about any guy I invest time in whether its for conversation or for a hook-up.

Since this gentleman is in Ohio, the investment to get to know him would prove unfruitful since I can’t even go over and hang out with him; or even make out with him. What’s the value of that! Zero.

Part of me is curious though. I wonder how a cute guy like this continues to live in the closet. It must be a frustrating place to be. I can only imagine the desperation and loneliness living that way. For that, my nurturing behavior wants to rescue him and save him. I want to bring him into the fold of gayness and have him celebrate amongst all the openly gay men of the world!

But I don’t have the time or energy to invest in this one. Someone else in Ohio will have to be his savior. I am in the process of trying to save myself.

It’s too bad really. Because he is damn cute.

Ayanna

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AyannaThroughout the years, you meet someone who is a kindred spirit and someone who will always be there through all the major milestones in your life. There may be segments of time where your friendship has paused, but no matter the amount of time in-between – the friendship is always there like time hasn’t really passed.

Ayanna is one of my best friends in my life. Yes, I’ve known her for over 13 years now. It was an instant connection that has survived over multiple boyfriends/relationships (for both me and her). I think we met aeons ago in the original realm of Atlantis. (See future Appendix on Atlantis.)

It’s been about 2+ years since I last connected with her; both of our lives have been insanely busy and time just goes by without us realizing it. It just happens. One day we’re doing the bars one weekend; the next it’s 3 years later and we’re catching up. There’s no awkwardness or blame – just an excitement to reconnect and hang out again.

Ayanna could be labeled as one of the major “Fag Hags” of my life. Although a hag she is definitely not! She is a Dark Chocolate African Goddess from time immemorial. During one of our excursions, she was even accidentally called the Princess of Zambia! She is incredibly courageous and by far my intellectual superior. She continues to be the sage in our friendship, always giving me the most profound advice.

She’s my girl and I will always love her for being there in my life. I cannot continue this tale of singledom without her introduction. She is a major character in this tale and her story runs parallel to mine.

Tonight, we finally had a chance to catch-up. I finally brought her up-to-speed on my life and she did the same. Ironically, as I was going through my break-up back in December, her life was going through a series of major changes herself. The funny thing is that I tried to call her, text her, and e-mail her back in December, but for whatever reason my messages never went through. She, too, tried to contact me and text me, but I ended up not receiving any of her texts. The Universe did not want us to connect at that time. It was so strange.

When we needed each other most – we were forced to face our demons head-on, alone. However, my problems are insignificant compared to hers. It puts things into perspective. I know she will remain strong and be there for me in this next chapter. I will be there for hers as well.

What’s a single gay man’s story without a major turning point to get him to snap out of it?! I just wish this was just a movie and that I could just avoid the reality – the gravity – of the situation. Tonight, my heart goes out to Ayanna, who’s been there in my life through the joy and the pain.

My best friend, Ayanna, has Stage IV breast cancer.