Monthly Archives: June 2013

The Ground Rules

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Before I proceed, I want to share the Ground Rules that I will attempt to follow on this journey through Wonderland. I’d like to think of it as the basics in what I am holding myself against in this next chapter. These rules are an amalgamation of sound advice from friends, highlights from various spiritual texts, and things I’ve learned about myself over the last 10 years. So pretty simple, right?

  • Rule #1: Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. What this means to me is that my initial lens will be that of making friends. Friendship is first and foremost. Can I hang out with this person in a friends only setting? Do we have similarities that are strong enough to keep the friendship intact? Can I share my deepest, darkest secrets with them? Can I give them shit and they give me shit back without taking things too personally? Are they good listeners?
  • Rule #2: Mutual physical attraction enhances the sexual chemistry. This one is a given. Can I move them from friend to lover without feeling guilty about it? Are they interested in my physically? Am I turned on by them physically? Are there physical features that are in sync for me? Are we sexually compatible?
  • Rule #3: Realism is the ultimate solidifier. Can the sexual relationship be taken to that next level? For example, if this guy is a bi-curious married man, how realistic can I make this into a long term relationship. Probably not. Does the person live 2500 miles away from me? If so, is a long distance relationship do-able? Maybe. Maybe not. In terms of age, can I date someone 10 years older than me or 10 years younger than me. How would I really feel about the age difference long term? I need to inject a does of reality before proceeding to that next level.
  • Rule #4: The Dog Test. I have a dog named Cooper. He’s a vicious little shit who can smell a coward from a mile away. The Dog Test is simple: Can Cooper learn to get along with him? The Dog Test also encompasses the “Social Circle Test” or “Other Friends Test” or “Family Test”… The test could mean bringing this potential into a social situation. Hanging out with close friends who know you, who know your Ex, and pretty much can be a good judge of character. So, can they pass the Dog Test?
  • Rule #5: Be Open To The Possibilities. This rule is pretty much the “Wild Card” rule that can trump Rules #1 – 4 given certain circumstances. If the passion and spark is just so overwhelming blinding, then you should give that person a chance. Or if you’ve never tried online dating before – just fucking do it! You won’t know unless you’ve tried. Also, if a co-worker suggests a blind date with some single gay guy because they think that all gay men are cute and like each other despite the variations (e.g., twink, cub, bear, daddy, tranny, jock, gaymer, etc.) and that all gays just want sex… just go on that blind date. Because you’ll never know unless you try!
  • Rule #6: If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again and again. It’s all about Hope here. I think that finding that next relationship entails making mistakes and not finding the immediate connections. It’s like going shopping for shoes. You see a style, you try it on. You look at the price and then you put it back. You see another style, try it on and it’s too uncomfortable. Just put it back. You go to another designer shoe store and see a beautiful pair, try it on and decide that the discount Nordstrom Rack was a better deal. Hopefully, no one bought those shoes by the time you decided to go back and buy them. But if someone already did, shit happens and that’s what happens when you’re fucking indecisive. Just go shopping online for shoes. Now that’s a lot harder! Just keep trying them on until you get the right fit. Eventually you’ll get tired of going barefoot and you’ll settle on something with the right fit.

Those are my Ground Rules. I reserve the right to modify or add to this list as I progress through Wonderland. After all, I will grow and evolve and probably figure out these rules suck. But until then, I need focus and something to keep me sane.

Endless Dream by Conjure One

It’s all coming back to me now
That strange and almost endless dream
Where I was you and you were me
You opened up your eyes and I could see
That you were falling from the world
As aimless as a shooting star
In orbit around me thinking I was somebody else
And terrified to look at me and see yourself

Well you are like a dream
And I am just a trip you are on
When the trip is over you will go back to the places that you once belonged
You will look for comfort there and when you do you’ll find that it has gone
And that is when you’ll dream a dream where I am you and you are me
And then you’ll know my love

So don’t be afraid
Your heart is in me and it’s racing so fast now
‘Cause everything we ever were or ever will be
Is shapeless as a changing cloud

Your letter written on the sky
I’m needing now to read it through my eyes
When you see just what I see
And tenderly watch it change
And just let it be

‘Cause I am like a dream and you are just a trip that I am on
When the trip is over I will go back to the places that I once belonged
And I will look for comfort there and when I do I know it will be gone
And that is when I’ll dream a dream where I am you and you are me
And then I’ll know your love

So quiet… now….

This is just some trip that we are on
When the trip is over we will think of this as some place that we once belonged
When I find no comfort here I’ll look again to find it in your arms
That is where I’ll dream a dream where I am you and you are me
And that’s where I know love

Down The Rabbit Hole I Go!

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For most people, the new chapter in life doesn’t begin like a Julia Roberts fairy tale ending. On the contrary, the journey to healing doesn’t come with ease because the first step you take is actually a fall. At first it feels like you’re slowly drifting in space, no gravity, just drifting through endless blackness. It’s cold. You’re numb and you feel alone. Image

This is what I felt like six months ago. There’s an occasional pull from some distant planetary body; other times it can feel like a quantum singularity, a black hole, that just sucks you in. Eventually, the free fall starts to speed up. You realize that you’re actually in the rabbit hole falling endlessly until you get your bearings. Most people start to slow their descent and start to float again slowly; others keep falling aimlessly. Eventually, you hit the bottom of that hole and discover the path to Wonderland.

This is where it gets interesting. You become the proverbial Alice and start to navigate into that first room. You notice the potion and the cookie: Drink Me or Eat Me. More choices for you to take. What the hell do you do? You’re in no mood to eat or drink.

Yet your survival instincts kick in. You do one or the other or both and open the door into Wonderland.

My White Rabbit was/is my therapist. Fuck it. I wasn’t going to take this journey alone. I needed a fucking guide. This Alice was lost and I was at least functional enough to know that I needed help. The irony of it all is that I had trained myself in the arts of human behavioral sciences (a.k.a. Clinical Psychology). I knew all the techniques. I knew all the methodology. But have you ever seen a heart surgeon perform bypass surgery on himself?!

For all the strength and energy I had left – I moved on. I moved forward and I wasn’t going to falter. Some friends tell me I have such incredible willpower and determination that they have faith that I can succeed in whatever I put my mind to. Others can interpret this as stubbornness.

I’d like to attribute it to Hope.

Welcome to Singledom

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Hello world. It’s me. Randy.

Guess what? I’m single. Again.

Back in December of last year, I mustered enough energy and enough courage to end my relationship of 8+ years. We owned a home together. We owned a car together. We spent vacations together as most couples do. He was on my health insurance. We even had two kids. One cat and one dog actually.

ImageI had a garden in our home that I tended. That I nurtured for over 6 years. One day in this garden, I was pruning the branches off a Japanese maple and thought to myself: It will be beautiful to see this grow over the course of the next 10-20 years. It made me smile and I was proud of what I had.

Our neighbors and friends all knew us as the perennial gay couple with that crazy dog and the gorgeous blue MINI Cooper. We were both physically fit and took good care of ourselves and the household. It was a dream come true.

Or so I thought at the time.

Like most couples, we’ve had our ups and downs over the years. But we managed to get through all of it. The trials and tribulations of a gay couple – of any couple – is the price you pay for being in a relationship. I know all that. We were different in so many ways, but we made it work for the most part. He was a recovering alcoholic; I was a social drinker. He was a social butterfly; I was a wallflower introvert. He has a sibling; I’m an only child. The list goes on and on.

I could spend hours analyzing the depth and breadth of our relationship, but I’m not here to write about the past. No. That was Book Three on my Chronicles of Life. I’m here to talk about Book Four and this is Chapter One.

It was early November, after I returned from a business trip in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. We had just finished watching the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, and had a big blow up about dinner. This wasn’t unique at all. Whenever he got hungry and his blood sugar was low, the Incredible Hulk would manifest itself. I had no way to defend myself. It was always a losing battle, so we’d scream at each other.

Being an introvert, my energy was easily drained after a heated argument. So, I went into my shell and go into my “reclusive hermit mode.” Needless to say, I was not the most effective communicator, but neither was he. After about a week of silence, (yes, a week) he disclosed to me that he started to see a therapist about his moods and to try to improve his communication style. Unbeknownst to him, I made efforts to do the same.

After week two of therapy, right before Thanksgiving week, he took me aside and asked me to listen to his confession. Part of me already knew what he was about to say, so I wasn’t surprised at all. But as all good, long term couples go, we’d each rather live in denial than confront the inevitable.

It took him a lot of energy and courage, that much I can say, for him to tell me. He couldn’t look me in the eyes at first and then I knew what I suspected. He said that he cheated on me.  I asked him with who. He said that he cheated on my multiple times with multiple partners. It felt like I got hit in the gut. I knew this already. I told him I suspected. He didn’t tell me how long he cheated on me, but he did say he went to the sex clubs in the city to get satisfied. I felt embarrassed and humiliated.

Then I recalled all those days where he went off on a “bike ride” or when he “went to the other gym two miles away” or when he decided to “go to a coffee shop to do some work”. I was shattered. It probably went as far back as two years. I was devastated.

The holiday season was upon me. I withdrew from all social gatherings. Thanksgiving came and went; as did Christmas. I slept in the spare bedroom on the most uncomfortable futon on the planet. The pain on my body was nothing compared to the pain in my heart and soul. I came to the conclusion that only two options lay before me: 1) To stay in the relationship and work things out, after all it was over an 8 year investment already; or 2) To start anew and have hope that I can heal from this and move on with my life without him.

I chose the latter. Right before New Year’s Eve I told him. I told him that I could never love him the way he wanted me to ever again. His actions were unforgivable. I couldn’t even look him in the eye without feeling the pain in my heart. Trust was shattered and irreparable. I must move on.

And move on I did. I decided to start fresh and give him the majority of the household items. I gave up the beautiful townhouse, the relaxing garden, the $1 million view and privacy of a home. I packed up my personal items and took the dog with me. I found a comfortable apartment that was close to work and close to the grocery store. I eventually gave up the car too.

So here I am. Single. A single gay man living in Seattle. New Year’s Day came and went; and so did my birthday. Good friends always appear when you need them the most and for that I’m grateful.

It’s been over 6 months of living alone, but I’m getting used to it. I’ve made a couple of awesome new friends and look forward to many more. Chapter One is always the hardest part to get through. It’s setting up the characters, giving you a taste of what’s happened, and tiny glimpse of what’s to be.

It’s time for me to start manifesting. I almost ready to date again. I can feel it.