Monthly Archives: July 2013

Unrequited (Love)

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Is it possible to send my love out to the Universe and have someone drawn to me?

It’s kind of like a Wish. You put it out there and Hope that it comes true. Based on some random notion that it will come true. A Wish can be very specific and the outcome is very small with such a narrow focus.

What I’m wanting to do is to put all this Love and Energy I have in my Heart and pour it out into the Universe and see what happens. My broad focus is kind of like casting a very large net out into this small pond. I’m bound to catch something right?

The irony of all this is: I think I found someone who I think I can date. After 8 months of remorse and healing, my eyes are open to the possibilities and I found the man of my dreams.

The catch is that he doesn’t live in Seattle. He’s “visiting” from College and currently resides in the Bay Area in California. On top of that, I have a sense that he’s already taken. (Boo!) The good ones are always taken. Why is that? If the circumstances were different, I’d definitely ask him out and date him. It’s a bit unbearable to be near him and want him so badly. But I don’t want to seem so “stalker-ish” and always drool/flirt with him when he’s around. So, instead I act aloof and disinterested. (Even more ironic, right?)

One thing is for certain: I know what I want. He’s out there. (He’s here.) I just have to find someone who’s interested in me.

Here fishy, fishy.

Recluse

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After an exhausting 2+ week conference (and prep), I feel like disconnecting. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more of a recluse the past couple weeks on my free time. I don’t feel like socializing with anyone at all.

At the same time, I’ve noticed that my dog is exhibiting the same behaviours. We have both become reclusive creatures. I need to do something about that.

On top of all of this, I realize that I don’t know how to “meet” anyone anymore. I am tired of the bar scene and have eliminated that option altogether. I’m getting tired of Grindr because of the same people online, plus I don’t think anyone is really into me here in Seattle. Craigslist is only good for one night stands. Match.Com is horrible at finding good matches. People at work are all taken. SIGH.

My friend CJ recently posted this article on Facebook: http://www.yourtango.com/2013188018/love-analysis-paralysis-digital-age 

I describe this as “The Grindr Effect”. You can select, filter, search, and message a person instantly – based on specific preferences. There is no room for variance anymore. Specificity has become a curse in this day and age of online relationships. There’s no room for error. As a result: a really great guy with amazing potential is often passed up based on the >5% standard deviation of one’s target person. This is a bit depressing.

So what to do?

You disconnect and become disgusted with how people are so finicky about guys. One becomes a recluse to focus on other things in life. At least for the time being…

Intimacy

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I have been in the midst of a work conference for the past 2 weeks. It’s been consuming all of my free time and so I haven’t been able to feed my blog.

Over the past several days, I’ve been in the midst of a psycho-emotional disconnect. I’ve been a tad more abrasive to people and blame it on my single-ness. I speculate that I’ve been irritable because I’ve not had any intimacy for awhile now.

I’m not speaking about sex. (I’ve had sex in the last 3-4 weeks, so that’s gotta count!) No, I’m speaking about the connections we make with someone and the moment in time where we inhabit the same space, the same energy, and the same vibration of the cosmos. It’s the moment where you’re watching television with that special someone and you move closer to them to get more comfortable.

The moment when you’re in bed with them and you wake up in the middle of the night and turn to your side and feel that sense of peace when your know they’re right next to you. When you’re shopping at the mall and they’re shopping with you and you are trying to find that right shirt and they’re there to give you feedback on the colors. Or that moment, you’re watching a movie at the theatre and you get scared by a particular scene and your hand finds his in the dark and you grasp on for all your life.

It’s all those things… I’ve been surrounded by happy couples, people I know or strangers on the street, I think Seattle’s warmer weather is just bringing them all out, but they have all been serving as a reminder of something missing in my life.

And my heart aches just a little bit each time.

Sex is so easy to get. So quick, so immediate, so superficial. The release is purely biological, but my soul craves so much more than sex. I crave that warmth, the connection, the bond that you can share with a loved one.

The crave, the yearning, is becoming so intense I’m starting to lose sight of what I truly want. This is what happens to lonely people: they immediately latch on to the first guy that they can connect with. Taking a chance, a quick chance, with someone who may not be suitable for them in the long run.

So, what do I do?

Eventually, the torture of seeing others’ intimacy will probably numb me. I think I have to just ride this out for now. I don’t know how long it will last. I. Crave. Intimacy.

Fragmented

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After a big break-up, you don’t realize how fragile you are. I think I was able to find the strength to move forward with my life. It was me on automatic pilot – I knew where the destination was, but I wasn’t really navigating the plane. The fragile state I was in finally took its toll and I now know that I’m fragmented.

It is no wonder why I am struggling to repair myself. I feel exhausted and know that the easy way out of this is to not care. To just continue to fragment and crumble. But I’m not willing to give up on my Hope.

I am in the process of repairing the fractures in my soul. It is taking much longer to heal, but I’m getting there. I notice that the less fragmented I become, the more mobility I have. I don’t feel stifled anymore.

Imagine the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. After several rain storms, his exterior begins to rust and erode. There’s stiffness in his joints, but still he’s able to move forward. Imagine him trying to fix himself with whatever means necessary. At first, he doesn’t have all the materials required for such extensive repair, but little-by-little, day-by-day, he finds components that help patch him up; or even replace parts of his system. Eventually, he is back to normal again in all his metallic glory.

I’m starting to defragment. I feel a bit more cohesive every day. I can’t wait until I’m whole again.