Monthly Archives: July 2013

Chris D

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ImageI forget who said “Hi” to who first, but it was back in May when I met Chris D. Yes, it was during one of my random Grindr browsing. I noticed that he was within 200 feet of me and so I suspected he was a neighbor. And i was correct!

Our first “meeting” was for coffee at the Starbucks down the street from the apartment complex. He suggested it first and so I thought – this would be cool to meet a new friend who is also a neighbor. We met down in the lobby and the first thing I noticed was how tall he was. I think his profile said 6’1″. Damn. But besides that he was definitely quite adorable!

A recent transplant from Washington, D.C., we soon hit it off chatting about his former home. For work, let me just describe him as a Director for IT systems and management. Brilliant guy. I immediately detected the “geek” streak that I’m so drawn to. That first coffee meeting was awesome! He was a gentleman and very cool. I asked a few minor probing questions about his former relationships and found out he was single too.

Fast forward to July. Chris D and I have hung out several times, going to restaurants, a couple of bars, having brunch and even watching the 4th of July fireworks together. I’ve known him for almost 3 months and yet, I still don’t really know him. I’m a little nervous to ask him about the more personal questions in life. I appreciate his friendship and feel that I don’t want to ruin anything by having a serious tone of conversation.

I could see him definitely being my type. He is my type. But I’m so wary right now. (See entry on “Vulnerability”) He’s kissed me a few times as what I describe as a “European” good-bye. But then again, my therapist did point out: How many good friends do I normally kiss good-bye?

My radar tells me I’m not his type and that I am just a good friend for him. If he were to ask me out for something more serious, I would definitely consider. For now, I think I’m just going to lay low and continue my hunt elsewhere.

Vulnerability

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I saw my therapist on Friday and he noticed that I’ve been making excuses of late for potential guys to date. I didn’t notice it until he called it out. For example, with C.J., I described him as “too young” for me; while my neighbor, Chris D, was just “not into me” because I couldn’t sense his interest.

He said that it made total sense that I’m in this “excuse making mode” – I’m afraid to get hurt again and I’m protecting my heart. He recommends that when I’m ready to start dating I need to be willing to take that risk to be vulnerable again.

Relationships and dating means opening up to someone and having that vulnerability. I have to understand that there is the chance that I might get hurt, but I cannot hide from that risk. It’s the pain of being human. I have to put my heart out there.

I know that some guys won’t be into me even though I may be into them. And that’s okay. If I don’t take the risk, I’ll end up being single for a long time. So, I’ll make the conscious effort to be vulnerable. If (and when) I get a little heartache, at least I have this manifesto to write it out.

Here goes nothing.

Hook-Up Guy #5

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IMG_0604

Stats:

  • Where did we meet: Grindr
  • Age: 26
  • Height: 5’10”
  • Weight: 138 lbs
  • Ethnicity: White guy, dirty blonde
  • Position: Top
  • Penis Size: 7″
  • Best quality: Body and cock

He told me his name was “Tom” but I highly doubt that. This was a straight guy with a girlfriend who was really nervous to meet, but I could tell he was super horny. Being discreet was extremely important to him. He works for a non-profit supposedly. Really handsome and sexy guy. Very fit. Very tight body. Beautiful abs and a gorgeous cock.

To this day, I still crave him and would love to hook-up again. The one cool thing I remembered was that he wanted to undress me slowly and so I let him. I could tell he was very into me and got immediately aroused. This session was definitely a quickie. He couldn’t hold on too long at all. This is a noticeable trait for a “straight” guy. It’s so hot and exciting for them that they last 10-15 minutes top.

I was in a rush anyway, so I was happy he came pretty quick.

Yep, I still wonder about “Tom” and his wonderful cock. Sigh.

Appendix: Ouroboros

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The Ouroboros has been a symbol of the eternal cycle, constantly beginning and ending, representing the perpetual cycle of renewal. Similar to the Phoenix, it represents life, death and rebirth. It’s an ancient symbol representing a serpent or a dragon eating it’s own tail. Text have described the Ouroboros to also be the mathematical representation of Infinity.

Images of the Ouroboros can be seen throughout history:

  • Ancient Egypt
  • Greece
  • Middle East
  • India
  • China
  • Japan
  • South America
  • Native American culture

Humanity is drawn to the elegance of eternal rebirth. There is something alluring about a continual cycle that is never-ending and eternal. Perhaps it represents a taste of Immortality; or more simply the possibility of Second Chances.

We are flawed and prone to making mistakes in life. The Ouroboros represents the knowledge that one cycle will end, and a new one begins with new possibilities. In a way, The Ouroboros goes beyond the cycle. There is a spiritual Hope in its symbolism.

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Dear John

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It’s Independence Day weekend and what a better way to feel more independent than to express my Freedom. Freedom from the past; Freedom from my self-doubt; Freedom from my Ghosts. And so I write this letter to my Ex as a way to release myself and move into Forgiveness and Freedom.

I don’t really know where to begin.

I know that we’ve spent over 8 years together building our lives, our future, our hopes and dreams. Your alcoholism is a permanent curse that cannot be lifted. I was stupid for thinking that I could try to change you. I was an idiot to think I could just Love and Learn and Understand you. To be patient with you and accept you for what you are. But I was wrong.

You are and will forever be an addict. Incurable. To live an exhausting existence. I’ve told you before that if we broke up, you could only have a healthy relationship with another addict. In my heart, I know that is the truth. The irony of the blind leading the blind, I suppose.

What you did to me over the last several years of our relationship wasn’t fair to me. I did my best, and yet, you took advantage of me. I made so many compromises to support you in your career, in your dreams. And yet, you did so little to support mine.

I have invested so much time and energy into our relationship that I forgot what it was like to sustain my own personal dreams. But that’s what I do. I take care of others before I take care of myself. It’s my flaw.

I am so angry at you for ruining our relationship. You blame me for not loving you the way you wanted me to. You blame me for not being intimate with you. You blame me for the poor choices that you’ve made. Instead of confronting me and being honest, you chose deceit and cheated on me for God knows how many times.

You finally chose to come clean at the most inopportune time. You ruined my Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas holiday, New Year’s Eve/Day, and my most monumental of birthdays. When I needed you most, you turned your back and put all the energy into your family. I knew at that moment I wasn’t your family. I knew I was alone.

I know that it still hurts for me when I see you. You are a reminder of what once was. But I don’t want you to have any more power over me. What you did was unforgivable – but I have to forgive you. It’s not fair for my heart. The love I have is deserving of another. You are not worthy. My heart was broken. It still aches every now and then when something reminds me of our former relationship. I think that will be the case moving forward, but the hurting won’t be so bad over time.

I feel sorry for you and your distorted perspective. Buddhism dictates that we must learn the lessons in our lifetime; lest we get reincarnated into another lifetime until we accept those lessons. I know that I have done the work to learn from this experience, but I don’t think you’ll ever learn in this lifetime.

I am angry at you, but I forgive you. You fucked up my life, but it’s only temporary. What I’ve proven to myself is that I’m strong and that I’m a survivor. My road to recovery is a short one – yours is for the rest of your existence.

I have such joy and love to share with world. It’s such a waste to just keep it all inside me. You hurt me, but I will heal. You destroyed my life, but I will rebuild. You betrayed me, but I will live in truth. I know life isn’t meant to be fair, but we should at least treat each other with compassion.

As painful as it is to write this, I forgive you. I forgive you with all my heart. We were never meant to be. I forgive you.

Good-bye,

Randy