Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was [me]. Soon I awoke, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly; or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man…
One weekend I decided to respond to an ad on Craigslist. Married White Male, alone for the weekend, wife was away on travel. He seemed nice via e-mail, but was your typical “straight/married” guy who wouldn’t send photos for fear of getting caught.
So, I went over to his house in Lower Queen Anne, near Kerry Park. The house was a gorgeous home with a beautifully landscaped yard. He had a rather large dog which was overly friendly and wanted to play with me.
Stats:
What freaked me out a bit was that he said he had a furnished basement and he lured me down there. Stupid, I know. But when hormones overwhelm you, all rational judgment gets locked away. In retrospect, he could have been a serial killer and I could have easily ended up on the evening news.
But fortunate for me, he was just a horny married man who wanted to fool around with a guy before his wife came home.
And so, fool around we did. From what I recall, he had a decent body, but he definitely was older than what he was describing on his personal ad. This turned me off big time. There comes a point in a man’s life when you can no longer pass for a certain age. My time will come; your time will come; and his time came and went.
He looked 10 years older than the age he was describing himself as. But this was a “rare” married guy wanting to get off – so for the interest of all gay men – I made sure to give him the best experience possible that his wife couldn’t give him.
When all was said and done. I thanked him and went my merry way.
The funny thing is that married men having gay sex is not actually a rare thing. It happens quite often, more so now that gay culture is so widely accepted. This guy was an executive with some free time on his hands. He probably has two kids that he’s raising on top of all this.
You’re probably telling yourself: a married guy with kids having gay sex has got to be gay. Well… yes and no. The difference with a married guy having sex with a guy and a gay guy having sex with a guy most often has to do with the heart. The married guy was just probably going through the physical act without caring about who I was. It was the lust, libido and the heat of the moment driving him. For a gay guy, there is all that, plus a tiny connection/attraction to the guy they are having sex with. For convenience sake, I will describe this as a “heart connection”. Even though its tiny and insignificant for some, the connection is there. It’s what draws you to that hot guy in the first place.
This married guy’s heart connection is most likely with his wife. He had none with me. So, no matter how many times he’s hooked up with men; his wife, ironically, still has his heart. Is it still cheating? Hell, yes. But that’s not my problem.
I’m just here to get off.
I met C.J. while browsing Grindr. I convinced him to meet me after work and he agreed. Well, actually, he agreed after he got himself drunk after Happy Hour with his friends/co-workers.
C.J. and I immediately hit it off. It was a definite rarity for me to click so quickly with a guy. Perhaps I was horny, perhaps he was drunk, perhaps it was a combination of both – whatever it was, we hit it off big time.
Sexually, the passion and intensity was potent. I’m not sure if we’re 100% sexually compatible, but the mutual attraction was enough to send sparks flying. He disclosed he was a “bottom” which not a surprise for me.
On that first encounter, we woke up several times and had sex about 5 times over the span of 6 hours! Not bad at all!
Stats:
C.J. and I have had encounters several times over the past few months. What I appreciate most is that our friendship continues to grow. However, I realized in May that this is a relationship that can only stay in friendship. I don’t think we can be friends with benefits any more. I feel that it’s not fair for him (or I) to be in a long distance relationship. I’ve since encouraged him to meet guys and go on dates. I know that he likes me and he knows that I like him. Unfortunately, we aren’t in the same space for a relationship to develop. I still want to make friends and meet people – I think he’s more prepared to start a longer term relationship.
He’s been single for almost 2 years and he knows what he wants. I’m still trying to get there.
I think this is another one that will find his soulmate very soon. It’s funny how I’ve met a couple of really great guys that I least expected to meet. The good news is that I hope they remain my friends for years to come. Maybe my role is to help nudge them in the direction and path of their next chapter. Butterfly effect and all.
C.J. was supposed to meet me and I was supposed to meet him. The added coolness factor is he passed my “dog test” and my dog adores him. How rare is that!?
C.J. is such a cutie and I know he’ll find someone perfect. Did I mention how much he looks like Harry Potter?!?! Adorable.
Happy Independence Day!
Back in February, I did a crazy thing. At least it was more libido-driven rather than using my rational mind…
So, I fired up my Grindr around 6:00 pm in the evening and connected with a young guy named Ryan who was visiting Seattle. He was busy celebrating his “birthday” and so was getting the evening started with friends. He said that he would text me later to see if I was free to hook-up. I told him that was fine, but that I had a flight to get ready for at 5:00 am that next morning.
Around 1:30 am, I receive a text from him and he wanted to hook-up with me. He was staying with his friend in Belltown, only about 5-10 minutes away. So, in a half-asleep/half-horny state, I invited him over.
Stats:
He arrived after 2:15 am and we sorta hit it off. We started making out on my couch when suddenly he turns to me and says: “I need to pee.” So, I excused him and he went to the bathroom to do his business. A moment later, we were at it again, making out on my couch. About 5 minutes later, he told me that he had to pee again. So off he went to pee in the bathroom. Now I was fully awake and getting irritable. Ryan was obviously drunk and wasted – and quickly becoming a HUGE turn-off for me. We continued making out and he kept passing out. I sighed and got him off to quickly end the whole thing. He turned to me and asked me if I wanted to get off. I said “Nope.”
He proceeded to get comfortable and was about to fall asleep. Severely irritated, I never let anyone sleep over, let alone a one night stand. SO, I woke him up and told him that he had to go. He looked at me and frowned. I could tell he was obviously tired, but I wanted him the fuck out of my apartment. I told him that I’d call him a cab and he was happy about that. Unfortunately, I only had $2 in my wallet for cab fare. I gave him the $2 and sent him on his merry way.
By then it was close to 3:45 am in the morning. Lessons learned here was: Don’t get tempted with twink meat no matter how horny you are. The folly of youth is only going to make you realize how old you are and how you can no longer tolerate stupidity. Ryan was a $2 whore who didn’t even make me come.
Tonight, I’ve finally decided to let go.
I realize that I’ve been grieving over the death of a dream. I’ve been holding on to the agony and the pain of what once was. That’s why I kept feeling sorry for myself. It’s because I chose to hold on to remnants of that dream of a future that can no longer be. At least not in its previous configuration.
I’m alive and I can continue to thrive if I so choose. I choose to live and I choose to thrive. I have so much to offer to the world. It could have been much worse for me, but my strength and my hope has made me a survivor. I’m ready to move on now.
Everything I’ve invested over the last 8+ years of my life isn’t for nothing. It all becomes a part of me. All those experiences are now and always have been a part of me to bring/share in this next chapter. The hopes, dreams and aspirations all add value to that next person/relationship in my life. And for that, it brings a smile to my face.
Wisdom, it’s all wisdom. And I will get to share it with someone I love. The excitement of it all gives me something to look forward to.
And for that: I am grateful.
Definitely, another of “my type”. Intellectual type, geek. Glasses are a turn on for me. Also, big plus for the slippers. Love the legs. His attire could definitely be improved. He’s straight and from the Pacific NorthWest – that much is obvious!
Who are you and why am I just so turned on? Obviously there are physical characteristics that really appeal to me. Good build, great physique, confident about his body, and definitely mid-to-late 30s…perhaps?
the soulmate manifesto 