Monthly Archives: August 2013

Dancing On My Own

This is an oldie, but goodie. (Yes 2009 is already old.)

After reading several interpretations of this song online, my own summary is as follows:

A single man who happens to be gay is in love with his straight male friend. This gay male happens to be totally in love with the straight friend, but has kept it to himself for a very long time. It’s tearing him apart. One night of dancing finally highlights the gravity of his situation: unrequited love – a love that can never be. He watches him from the corner of the club or dance floor. The straight friend is totally occupied by his new girlfriend. Listen carefully to the chorus: “…I’m not the guy you’re taking home…” His agony is so descriptive as he watches him flirt with her. Heart-wrenching words surrounded by the techno drum beats, it’s so subtly covered. One’s immediate interpretation would be about a woman experiencing this – watching her straight friend with his new girlfriend. But the catch is the line in the chorus. What makes it even more incredible is that Robyn is singing it from the perspective of a gay man.

The Will

Well, we’re all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life, and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.

– Six Feet Under, Season 1, Episode 2

Recluse

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I have been a hermit lately. This funk I’m in has pretty much numbed my heart. I’ve become a bit of a recluse… well, more than a bit. I’ve not been wanting to be social at all. I continue to be pensive and contemplative of my situation. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the really good and happy memories in my former life/relationship. It’s self-torture I know – but the really good memories – the ones that make me smile is something to be cherished, right?

There’s this one particular beautiful memory where we were on the Oregon coast, about an hour south of Portland. It happened to be a cold Spring morning. There’s some coastal fog and the dampness on the sand. I recall running on the beach and the dog enjoying himself. There was a sense of solitude and solace. We were the only ones on the beach.

So peaceful, so removed from the stress of reality. It was almost like a fantasy. I was so happy. I felt the calmness and serenity of it all. Even the dog was ecstatic! So surreal. 

Fast forward 3 years later, I never would have imagined being in this situation I am in now. God(dess). Why the fuck do I keep torturing myself like this?

I’ve been watching a lot of dramas lately. Thankful for Netflix! Each one of the films always ends in a happy ending, always romantic. Fuck. I want that. I don’t think I had that in my previous relationship. I had something close, but nothing like a Hollywood ending. But I guess that’s the truth of romance. 

We all want that happy ending, but we have to understand that we only get half of that. Some people live in denial and want more, when we should just be satisfied with what we have right now.

Immobilized

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I’ve been exhausted the past couple of weeks and I’m still quite tired right now. I haven’t been meeting anyone and have been in seclusion over the weekends. I’m not really moving forward as I’d hope. It’s been an incredibly slow pace.

My therapist wants me to go out and about and do small spontaneous interactions with random guys. E.g., when I’m at the supermarket and I do some small conversation with the cashier. Or go to a bar and introduce myself to a cute guy.

The thing is I’m less spontaneous in those situations because I don’t have that social/outgoing personality as some other people do. That’s just not how I’m built/wired. 

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Online dating is somewhat of a challenge as well. I think I’m not going work at this because I’ll just end up disappointed. I’m going to let go and be carefree. Even though I’m a planner, I can’t just plan this process. I’m too fucking analytical.

Fantasy #1: The Doctor

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I’ve always had a knack at picking the most handsome and sexiest doctors in the city. In fact, each one of my practitioners are drop dead gorgeous!

Today, I am fantasizing about one of those doctors. He’s my eye doctor. Married with 2 kids. He’s a year younger than me with beautiful blue eyes and light brown hair. He has an amazing personality and is definitely suckable. (Fuckable, yeah, that too, but I’d rather be receiving him than giving it to him.)

I imagine us up close and my hand just touches his knee and brushes his thigh gently. He’ll look at me and I’ll smile at him…

The rest of the story…I will leave up to your imagination.

Lonely

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Wow. I’ve never felt this lonely in a long time. When I was in a relationship, I’ve felt alone, but I never felt lonely. Now that I’m single, I’m finding that a lot of the activities that require a boyfriend/partner is a bit of an eye-opener for me. 

I had a nice, long, and relaxing weekend and felt totally alone. Summer time is filled with vacations – so a lot of the people I would typically hang out with are traveling. Except for me. I’m doing a “stay-cation” and as a result don’t have anyone to hang out with. 

I have my dog, who requires a lot of attention and care, so I’m definitely keeping myself busy. But it’s a bit sad not having someone I could easily cuddle with. Someone I can watch a movie with. Or even take a walk around the city with. 

I’ve started to dabble in Manhunt. UGH. Far worse than Grindr. But we’ll see. I’m trying to keep an open mind. 

The sun keeps shining here in Seattle. I think the excess Vitamin D is keeping my mood elevated for the most part. So thank you weather gods!

I can honestly say that I’m tired of hooking-up with guys and “one night stands”. Maybe in a younger day I wouldn’t have cared so much. I’m beginning to think I won’t find my soulmate in Seattle.I have a feeling he lies elsewhere in the globe. So, what does this mean for me? Only time will tell.

Hook-Up Guy #6: Andy

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Stats:

  • Where did we meet: Craigslist
  • Age: 26
  • Height: 6’2″
  • Weight: 90 kg
  • Ethnicity: White guy, light brown hair
  • Position: Top/Straight
  • Penis Size: 7″ Uncut
  • Best quality: Accent

Andy was an Aussie from Sydney. He was a curious married guy who wanted to do some mutual j/o. I obliged. In the room, he was a little nervous. He had turned down my first invitation, but his libido got the best of him and he finally succumbed. 

He was a relatively attractive gentleman. He was working late and told his wife he was having drinks with friends. I wondered how often he did this “after work” thing. He told me that he only played around with a guy once “a long time ago” and has been curious ever since. 

We laid in the bed next to each other fully clothed. He was dressed in a full business suit & tie. He removed his jacket and tie and we watched television and chatted for a bit. 

He proceeded to touch my groin. I was fully clothed still and thought: He must be telling the truth! He is new at this! I smiled at him. I found him attractive, but I wasn’t really aroused. I just let him massage me, still wearing my pants. I moved my hand to his groin and proceeded to massage him the same way with his pants on. He obviously was more into this than I was.

After about 20 seconds, he said: “Ah, fuck it.” And quickly pulled off his pants and underwear. He originally didn’t want any skin-on-skin contact, but I could tell he was so horny and that this opportunity for him wouldn’t come again any time soon.

He was raging hard. His uncut cock was fully stretched. He laid back and let me touch him. He quickly unbuckled my pants and pulled down my zipper and I felt his hand wrap around me. He stroked.

And I stroked. Not more than a minute and he asked me to slow down/stop because he was close to coming. He was definitely a virgin for gay experiences. I wondered if his wife got him this excited.

I paused a moment and then continued. It was about 2 more minutes when he told me he was about to cum. He moaned. I stroked him and he exploded all over my hand. 

I got up and went to the bathroom to grab a towel. I came back and cleaned him up. At this point, I didn’t really feel like getting off at all. Something about a nervous straight married man who is too excited to hold on – didn’t really turn me on. I cleaned up and put on my clothes.

He did the same. But as he was doing this, he kept apologizing to me for being so lame and boring. He also nervously started telling me how he’s glad he got this out of his system and that he’s not going to ever do this again. He kept saying Sorry to me. Yeah, I definitely wasn’t turned on at all at this point.

He thanked me and went on his way.

The moral of the story is: don’t be the first guy for first-time curious straight married men. Let someone else initiate them to sexual awakening. Maybe after 2 or 3 times, they’ll be more comfortable and the sex could be more satisfying…at least for me!