Little did I know the lure of Witchcraft would bind me to you.
An unexpected Enchantment cast from somatic components:
First a glance, then a stare, a flash of a smile – all true.
To my delight to discover that you were not an opponent.
Tis in your eyes I see potential;
Only a matter of time – its all eventual.
In my core, dare I ask thee?
To be the one to share this Journey?
This song is resonating with me at the moment. I think about Matt a lot when I hear this song. Oh Matt…
I have some good news and some not-so-good news. First, I started dating again. It’s the first person in a year where I’ve wanted to share more of myself and open up. I guess the recovery time took longer than expected. Sorry to those who wanted to date me when I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t all for naught though. They helped to move me past the hard parts this last year. They were the ones who I needed to learn from. They were casualties of love.
The not-so-good part is that the guy I’m dating is a much younger man. The youngest I’ve actually dated ever. Instead of just enjoying the present moments, I’m worrying about my age.
I’m beginning to think that I’m continuing some kind if self-destructive behavior. I keep asking why I do this to myself, why I meet people who cannot truly love me for who I am. I’m a glutton for punishment.
It’s after midnight in DC as I type this. My expectations were shattered this evening because of a stupid fantasy I had with this new guy. I don’t want to give out too much detail on him quite yet, I’m a superstitious type and don’t want to jinx myself.
We’ve been dating for about three weeks now. Hoping it will last another week… For now, I will let this pain consume a tiny part of my heart. He knows I like him and he says he likes me too, shouldn’t I just trust in that and just enjoy it? Why can’t I just let myself enjoy the good parts? Why do I have to be such a basket case?
I must trust in my older age and wisdom, I’ve experienced so much more than him. I should know better, but do I really?
I majorly fucked up last month. Why do we do such self-destructive things to ourselves when we’re single?!
Tony was an associate of mine who works in Australia. We happen to be at the same location last month for a conference and I thought it would be good to connect with him. We have a mutual friend named Adam, who actually introduced the both of us. For the past few months, Tony has be highly flirtatious and interested in me. However, the distance between Australia and the USA helped to prevent any bad consequences from happening.
Tony, after all, is a high ranking government official and it would be bad press for him to be discovered with someone like me. Also, he’s practically married to a gentleman for the past several years. I blame Adam for feeding the fires and telling me that Tony and his partner were on the rocks.
Rule #5: DO NOT play around with a married man, gay or straight.
I broke this rule. During a break at the conference, I invited him to my hotel room. He obliged and we soon connected.
Either he was tremendously guilty by the experience or appalled by me, for the rest of the conference he avoided me. Of course my self-esteem just shattered at that point. All I could think of was what was wrong with me. I couldn’t even look at him in the eye. Poor Adam didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me.
I couldn’t let this out at all. So, I’m keeping my secret here. For the Universe to judge. I am doing penance for all the wrong things I’ve done. I cannot do shit like this ever again. It’s not healthy for me to go after someone unattainable. I must hate myself that much to keep torturing myself.
When do I start to love myself? I think when I’m able to let go of my fears and accept myself as who I am. I’m getting older, not getting prettier – it’s the way all things go.
Hello blog. It’s been ages. I’ve had so many thoughts and over the past 6 weeks… I’m slowly getting over this fear. Fear of confronting these feelings. I hate putting them down in words because once I do – it becomes a permanent part of the universe.
I’m listening to Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You and am reminded of a long lost love. His name was Eric Lee. I was in San Jose and I was barely out of the closet. I was working on my BA at the University and we happened to work at the same part-time job location. He was not that much younger than me. We definitely connected.
Each time I hear this song, I think of him and the fucking misery I was in. Not being able to tell him how much I loved him. It was gradual. From colleagues to friendship to best buds… We hung out at odd hours and he was so engaging and interested in me. But it was doomed from the start. Unrequited love at its finest.
Those things stay with you forever if left unresolved. Nothing happened between us. Or maybe something. I can’t recall. Or I’ve buried it in my soul. Either way, he stepped out of the picture. We grew apart. I often wonder how he’s doing and where he’s living now.
Soon after, I came out of the closet. I met a guy named Andy A. I’m sure he’s still around… no longer in California. Somewhere warm and sunny where he wanted to be. This was another one of my disastrous tragic relationships. I stole him away from his boyfriend of two years. Damn. I was so fucked up back then. I crossed those boundaries.
He broke up with his boyfriend for about two weeks. We had an amazing time and it felt like forever. But who knew? Guilt got the best of him and he went back. Apologetic and forgiving. I was the asshole. Billie Myers’ Kiss The Rain will always remind me of him. The last time I saw him, I agreed to meet him at the laundry mat. He was doing laundry and I drove there to meet him.
I still see him sitting on one of the washers reading a book. Like a scene from a movie, I walk in and smile at him. Recalling the passionate few weeks we had together. Who was I to think I could have a man like him? A poet, a writer, a movie buff… qualities that drew me to him. I said “Hi” and he said “Hi”. Tears welling up in his eyes.
I forgave him for breaking my heart because the fault was actually mine. He held my hands and kissed me. The world stopped turning and time slowed down. I wanted him for myself. I couldn’t have him.
After a few words were exchanged, I wished him good bye. I pulled out a wooden charm from my pocket and handed it to him. I told him: “This is a symbol of protection. I hope your heart is protected and that you’ll think of me from time to time.” I smiled and drove off. I cried for weeks often thinking of running back to him and begging him to be with me. But I never did. I buried those feelings and held my head up high.
When it rains, I sometimes kiss the rain and think of Andy.
The heart remembers what the mind hears. When the music plays, those memories all come back like it was just yesterday.
the soulmate manifesto 