I have some good news and some not-so-good news. First, I started dating again. It’s the first person in a year where I’ve wanted to share more of myself and open up. I guess the recovery time took longer than expected. Sorry to those who wanted to date me when I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t all for naught though. They helped to move me past the hard parts this last year. They were the ones who I needed to learn from. They were casualties of love.

The not-so-good part is that the guy I’m dating is a much younger man. The youngest I’ve actually dated ever. Instead of just enjoying the present moments, I’m worrying about my age.

I’m beginning to think that I’m continuing some kind if self-destructive behavior. I keep asking why I do this to myself, why I meet people who cannot truly love me for who I am. I’m a glutton for punishment.

It’s after midnight in DC as I type this. My expectations were shattered this evening because of a stupid fantasy I had with this new guy. I don’t want to give out too much detail on him quite yet, I’m a superstitious type and don’t want to jinx myself.

We’ve been dating for about three weeks now. Hoping it will last another week… For now, I will let this pain consume a tiny part of my heart. He knows I like him and he says he likes me too, shouldn’t I just trust in that and just enjoy it? Why can’t I just let myself enjoy the good parts? Why do I have to be such a basket case?

I must trust in my older age and wisdom, I’ve experienced so much more than him. I should know better, but do I really?