Right now, I’m wondering how strong the pull between us can be given the time and distance. Am I playing a game? No. I’m just being realistic.
If the pull is strong enough, he will engage me. If not, c’est la vie!
How strong is the gravitational pull between us?
The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long – and you have burned so very, very brightly…
– Tyrell, Blade Runner (1982).
Matt texted me today wishing that I was holding him. I told him I missed him.
What I’m learning about Matt is that he doesn’t share his emotions all that well. He is totally cerebral and speaks from the head rather than the heart. For all his problem-solving talents, his lack of passion from the heart is something he needs to work on.
I was honest with him (albeit over text): I told him that I haven’t really dated anyone I really liked since over 8.5 years ago. I basically told him I don’t know how to engage him. How to maintain his attention. So I asked and he said that I should do nothing to maintain his attention. And so, I shall. As simple as it sounds. Again, I don’t think he hears me. I don’t think he understands the concept of feeding the fire. Absence does make the heart grow fonder only if you’re in a committed boyfriend-to-boyfriend relationship. And that we are not. We’re merely exclusively dating.
But the conundrum here is: dating of any kind is usually sustained by actual face-to-face interaction over the course of once or twice a week. There is a 4-week interlude between us! That doesn’t sound like dating at all. How can two people who are dating, not actually date for over 4 weeks?!?
That is what I’m trying to reconcile. Here are the facts:
For me, I have nothing to lose, but I have nothing to gain either. I do care about him. I think I can honestly say that I love him too, but he said that it will not go anywhere beyond dating. How do you think that makes me feel? The irony is that I want to invest more in him and give him attention, but that means going into a boyfriend level. Something he doesn’t want to do! He wants me to act like a boyfriend who can be confident and strong and committed, but I really can’t because I can’t really be that for him. He wants the best features of having a boyfriend without really having one in his life. Is that commitment phobic?
Or am I just a fucking Love Fool?!?!
I just received news that I won’t see Matt until January.
My heart is aching. But this is/was part of the deal.
I wonder how strong the pull will be between us. Will it weaken? Will it strengthen?
I’m not afraid of the pain that comes with caring for someone…with loving someone… It’s okay for me to cry and grieve for the moment. I miss him dearly.
Escape.
On the verge of complete and total burn out, so I decided to take a day trip to San Diego. The excursion was three-fold: 1) to get a dose of Vitamin D; 2) to try and hit my airline MVP Gold status; and 3) to try and clear my head. I think I accomplished #1 and #3. I have yet to find out if I hit #2.
The sunny weather did help my mood. I was a stranger in a not-so-strange land. There’s something therapeutic and cathartic being alone in a city who doesn’t know you. You’re free to explore the native land without having to run into people you know. It’s absolute solace at times. I walked around the downtown area for about 5+ miles and just meandered down the various streets.
I had lunch at Cafe 21, followed by amaretto & hazelnut gelato at the Chocolat Cremerie. I strangely found myself at the Banana Republic and purchased a pair of winter gloves at 50% off. (They were very cute gloves.)
I worked for a bit, responding to e-mails. But for the most part, I found myself peeling away my own onion. The layers were many, but I finally let it all go. I have a single fear driving me: The fear of being alone.
The reality is that I’m not alone. I have people around me who love and care for me. I need to start putting things in motion where I can have them over – opening up that void I’ve kept closed for a year now. I was…am dynamic. There’s a magnetism about me that I’ve denied my friends and family now for quite some time. My heart maybe heavy, but I know that’s all part of the deal.
To love, is to run the risk of feeling pain. I will probably get hurt again, but such is life!
One funny thing to note is that in the hotel I was staying in, I was awoken to the sound of lovemaking (fucking) by my neighbors. It was after 2:00 am. I’m guessing they just returned from the night out. It could have been a random hook-up for all I know, but she was very vocal to him. He must’ve been good. Or he must’ve paid her well. 🙂
It’s amazing what a day of Vitamin D can do to you. I highly recommend that if you need to clear your head. For the most part: Mission Accomplished. I’ve achieved #clarity.
It’s been just over a year since I started my break-up. My transition. My transformation. Chrysalis.
Matt came into my life at the most unexpected time. I’m pleasantly surprised. We’ve been officially “exclusively dating” each other for about 6 weeks now. It’s been an optimal dating situation. He lives in Washington, D.C., and I live in Seattle. He comes to Seattle about 3-4 days a week and I expect him to be here until mid-January. After that, everything is up in the air.
He’s told me already that he can’t be my boyfriend because he would be a bad boyfriend. But he can offer his compassion, intimacy and friendship at the least. So, I agreed.
My mind is swirling with possibilities, but the one I want the most is something that can never be. So, am I punishing myself? I thought this long and hard… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not. I have good intentions and so does he. We obviously care about each other. We miss each other once in a while. There’s an honest and grounded connection between us. I mean, that’s the least we can ask, right? That’s the least any relationship can ask for.
I’ve decided to enjoy the moment of this experience for its simple bliss. I cannot control the outcome; nor predict the future of us. One thing is certain: I’m falling in love with him. Someone said to me: Like a coin, there are two sides to love: the joy and the pain. We cannot love someone without the risk of the pain. They go together. That’s what makes it so intense. So, that’s why i choose to go one with Matt. Why should I deny myself the chance to love someone?
If it ends, it will probably break my heart, but that’s part of the deal. It’s the risk I’m willing to take. Sure, I fear getting hurt a year after the break-up of my long term relationship. But knowing that I can actually love someone again is an unexpected revelation. So, yes, Matt. I do love you.
the soulmate manifesto 