Monthly Archives: January 2014

One Last Try

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  • I asked you to be my friend. You agreed, but haven’t acted like once since.
  • I asked to see you again. You said “Yes”, but haven’t even reached out.
  • I told you that I missed you and you said that you missed me, but haven’t even acknowledged me.
  • I told you I’d be here this week and I asked you to tell me when it works for your schedule. Yet you haven’t even sent me times that work.
  • I try to smile at you, but you look away.
  • I try to be your friend; and you pull away.

How can you be so cold? How can you be such an asshole?

You are an immature child. Just like you said you would be. WELL, all I can say is that I will continue to be your friend even though you don’t treat me like one. I will be there when you need me because that’s in my nature. I will support you in times of trouble. Because my gift is Love. And I have a lot of it.

Porcelain

In my dreams, I’m dying all the time
Then I wake it’s kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye
This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me

In my dreams, I’m jealous all the time
Then I wake I’m going out of my mind
Going out of my mind

The Permeable Membrane

 

I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have it all. My money, my time, my body, my dog, my dog’s money. I will assume your debts and project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities you’ve never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you all this and more. Until I am so exhausted and depleted – the only way I can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I’m Moving On

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Finally.

I am getting clarity. Clarity once more.

I’ve run away. No, I’ve escaped the Madness of Seattle. Yes, I’ve escaped. I’m back to my roots. I’m back in my hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Family is here. Family is healing me. Amazing how their energies are helping to restore me. Am I selfish to be here to heal myself? Their love is unconditional. We’re family and family takes care of family.

I’m letting go of the “divorce.” I’m moving forward. The chapter is officially closed with all my shit moved out of the old house. More importantly, with the old house being sold to someone who will really appreciate the space. But I know every time I drive or walk past it, I will remember and feel a bit melancholy. And that’s OKAY.

Good bye, old dream with Chris. Farewell future vacations and around the world homes. Bye bye, growing old together on Queen Anne. Time for me to gather my belongings and move on.

Also, my poor mother. I accept her fate. I accept that I cannot help her. Goddess, no, I CANNOT help her. In her dark times, I cannot save her. All I can do is Love her and send what every compassion I can send. Her sisters are there to support her. I am the son of a bitch who can not live her life. She is truly alone. I will not be dragged down with her. I will not falter. I can only send her my Love. 

And, Matt. Oh Matt. When I close my eyes, I see your adorable smile and I will always see that for as long as I live. I gave a piece of my heart to you and there it shall be forever. It’s a gift to you whether you accept it or not. I gave it freely. The thing about giving a piece of your heart is that you can never take it back once you share it. There will always be a space…a void…in my heart. And I accept that. This is the sad part of Love that my therapist told me about. One cannot fully Love without experiencing the elegance and beauty alongside the misery and pain. They work in tandem – that’s what makes Love soooooo Grand. So complex. So powerful.

Oh Aphrodite! This is your gift to me. I understand now. You’ve shown me that I can Love again. But you wanted to remind me that there comes a great Risk with Love. That is my lesson in all this.

So, here I am Alone again.

I’m in Honolulu, Hawaii, surrounded by such beauty and paradise. The warmth of the sun caresses my skin, my face. Gentle kisses from Lord Apollo himself. I’m back home. My original home. The place of my birth. Reconnecting myself with energies that I long abandoned; yet this place has not abandoned me. This visit is trying to show me something. What is it?

I have to quiet down the pain. I have to hush the rumblings of despair. I have to listen carefully to what this experience is trying to show me. I’m almost there. I’m here for a few more days. Is that enough time? I hope so. I need to slow down now. I have to be okay with being Alone. I am Single. I am SINGULAR. One of One.

This is a journey I must make Alone. I go on. I move on.

Angry Thoughts

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I still have remnants of anger about this break-up.

The secret is known only to two people… and it’s tearing me apart. I want to tell more people and release my pain. I am so angry about the situation now.

He was so unfair to me and part of me wants to get back at him… But I know the repercussions of doing so. 

I want to tell the world that he and I were intimate. That he and I were having sex. I want his boss to know; I want my boss to know. I want it to be told. 

I want people to lose trust in him. But as a result they’ll also lose trust in me.

All this anger just boiling inside me. I know it’s wrong to break this secret. I know it’s wrong. Deep down inside…my heart protects him still. In the name of Love… In the name of Light… I choose to keep this secret until I die.

No one will know about us except the two. No one will know and he will succeed in all that he does. He will fly and change the world. While I will watch from afar.

A secret until my dying day. A secret that will burn and consume me. And still everything remains unfair at the moment. But I will not react to the Opponent. I will not let him push me over the edge. I will not let him win. I will thrive and feel the Light.

No Hope

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In order for me to move on, I must let go of the Hope. I must have no Hope. Only then can I function as a Whole.

To let go of Hope, is to let go of you. To let go of the possibilities. 

To let go of everything. To stop holding on. To let go.

And fall…

P.S. Matt

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I wanted to tell you that I had received horrible news from my family the night we last chatted. My mom is very sick and I am helpless to do anything about it. On top of that my stepfather, her husband, just died recently and I wasn’t able to be there for her. 

What made this week worse was my Ex decided to sell the house we owned together. I was forced to move the remaining items I had in storage. It was an exhausting process which I wanted to share with you to help minimize my stress.

But I decided to let you speak. I decided the night was yours and not mine. I know now that you don’t care about me. I didn’t realize I would hurt you so much that you’d pull away. 

Dear Matt

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I don’t even know where to begin. 

There are so many emotions running through me right now. Feelings that I did not anticipate or predict. I fell in love with you. I took a chance and let go and let myself be vulnerable. Little did I know that while I was falling for you that you were also feeling the pressure of my existence. You told me too late and instead of letting me help you through this, you let me go. In a moment of stress and anxiety, you withdrew from me without giving me a chance.

Perhaps I never should have driven over that night. Maybe I should have just ignored you. But I care about you. I love you and wanted to help you through this. I didn’t know the price I would pay for my love. For that I’m so sorry.

I’m not going to lie to you or tell you I feel good about the situation. In fact, I feel terrible and wish I could prevent myself from driving over that evening. I wish I could go back in time because I know in my heart we would still be together if I would have stayed home. But I believe in second chances. We make mistakes and often react to the spontaneous impulses of being human.

I also noticed that your friendship towards me has also changed. That’s something I can’t reconcile either. You don’t want to be romantically involved with me yet you also push me away. Despite this one night, I have always thought of myself as a good friend even though we had to maintain a professional level along with the long distance between us. I have always been your friend and told you I’d be there for you when things ended.

In my mind and heart, I still have hope for us. I want us to talk about this and explore a different possibility. I know one exists where you can satisfy my needs. One where we can remain committed and strive towards a common ground…perhaps even common future. So hear me out: I want to try again. I want us to try again. In a different configuration that would allow you not to feel like you’ve failed.

My needs would be simple yet would definitely satisfy me and connect us:

  • We text each other once a day just to say “Hi” or “I’m thinking of you.” That’s all it takes.
  • We can chat over the phone randomly throughout a week just to hear each other’s voice.
  • We try to see each other at least once a month. If that’s not possible, then we adjust it to every two months. If that doesn’t work, we just keep adjusting until we’re able to make it work.
  • When we’re in each other’s home city, we reserve at least an hour together. We just find time and agree in advance the date and time and we commit to it. The rest of the time we can focus on work. If more time frees up, we can negotiate additional time together.
  • If we are feeling stressed about something, we agree to talk about it over the phone or in person. No texting. This will help bring us closer together.
  • We can talk about other goals that will you feel comfortable with the situation. No worries at all. 

We can make this work. I know it. You have to let go of thinking about the future and we both have to stop worrying about failure. You brought such happiness into my life and you’ve challenged me to move forward outside of my comfort zone. I also looked forward to you every week – you are a beacon of light in my life. I told you that I would rather have you in my life than not have you in my life and what I’m going through right now is proving that. I need you in my life. I do. I need you more right now than I think you need me. It’s my selfishness that is driving me. I want you in my life. I want you, Matt. 

I love you, Matt. I do.

I hope you can learn to love me too. We can teach other so much. We’re all learners, right? We are all students in this school of life and love. We’re also teachers too… and we have to teach each other. We can’t give up on someone who has made a mistake the first time. I won’t give up on you. This is a learning opportunity for growth. 

Can we try again?

Randy