Finally.

I am getting clarity. Clarity once more.

I’ve run away. No, I’ve escaped the Madness of Seattle. Yes, I’ve escaped. I’m back to my roots. I’m back in my hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Family is here. Family is healing me. Amazing how their energies are helping to restore me. Am I selfish to be here to heal myself? Their love is unconditional. We’re family and family takes care of family.

I’m letting go of the “divorce.” I’m moving forward. The chapter is officially closed with all my shit moved out of the old house. More importantly, with the old house being sold to someone who will really appreciate the space. But I know every time I drive or walk past it, I will remember and feel a bit melancholy. And that’s OKAY.

Good bye, old dream with Chris. Farewell future vacations and around the world homes. Bye bye, growing old together on Queen Anne. Time for me to gather my belongings and move on.

Also, my poor mother. I accept her fate. I accept that I cannot help her. Goddess, no, I CANNOT help her. In her dark times, I cannot save her. All I can do is Love her and send what every compassion I can send. Her sisters are there to support her. I am the son of a bitch who can not live her life. She is truly alone. I will not be dragged down with her. I will not falter. I can only send her my Love. 

And, Matt. Oh Matt. When I close my eyes, I see your adorable smile and I will always see that for as long as I live. I gave a piece of my heart to you and there it shall be forever. It’s a gift to you whether you accept it or not. I gave it freely. The thing about giving a piece of your heart is that you can never take it back once you share it. There will always be a space…a void…in my heart. And I accept that. This is the sad part of Love that my therapist told me about. One cannot fully Love without experiencing the elegance and beauty alongside the misery and pain. They work in tandem – that’s what makes Love soooooo Grand. So complex. So powerful.

Oh Aphrodite! This is your gift to me. I understand now. You’ve shown me that I can Love again. But you wanted to remind me that there comes a great Risk with Love. That is my lesson in all this.

So, here I am Alone again.

I’m in Honolulu, Hawaii, surrounded by such beauty and paradise. The warmth of the sun caresses my skin, my face. Gentle kisses from Lord Apollo himself. I’m back home. My original home. The place of my birth. Reconnecting myself with energies that I long abandoned; yet this place has not abandoned me. This visit is trying to show me something. What is it?

I have to quiet down the pain. I have to hush the rumblings of despair. I have to listen carefully to what this experience is trying to show me. I’m almost there. I’m here for a few more days. Is that enough time? I hope so. I need to slow down now. I have to be okay with being Alone. I am Single. I am SINGULAR. One of One.

This is a journey I must make Alone. I go on. I move on.