Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Wounds Are Still Raw

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My heart is still aching from the events of the week. I am still quite fragile.

I am depressed, but I think I’m moving towards recovery. When I think about Him, my heart drops and a gentle sigh comes out. I had high hopes for the both of us. Sent a lot of positive energy into the relationship so things could work.

Little did I know he would feel so much pressure. Under Pressure.

I can’t cry anymore, but I want to. I’m exhausted and drained.

I want to run away… I almost did, but I chose not to. I chose to stay to confront my demon(s). I chose to stay because of Hope. I chose to stay because All Will Be Well. 

My Life in Chamomile

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I am depressed. Loss of appetite and heartbroken. I know that this will pass, but I hate the time that it takes to pass in-between. I have honestly thought of killing myself this week. Not for Matt, not for my Ex, not for my mom. No, more selfish than that, i wanted to kill myself for me alone.

I even imagined and planned how I would do it. Step 1, buy a bottle of sleeping pills. Step 2, make sure my Ex is watching the dog. Step 3, keep my front door unlocked for easy access. Step 4, post a cryptic Tweet. Step 5, clean up my office. Step 6, take a shower and dress up beautifully. Step 7, take the pills in the morning after acupuncture. Step 8, position myself correctly on my yoga mat and go to sleep.

I don’t know how long it would take but I don’t know what would happen afterwards. I probably won’t be discovered for three days. Which would be gross. But oh well.

All I know is that I’m really tired. I’m exhausted. Tired if being alone, tired of being lonely. Tired of this existence.

But still, I continue on. Why? I have no idea.

Maybe the Universe has other plans for me…

The Carnival Is Over

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According to the 5 stages of grief:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

I have gone through 1-3 in the last 24 hours, with #4 happening in parallel with the first three. Matt no longer wants anything to do with me and I don’t know why. I sent him a text message to try and end things on a positive note, but he never responded. I ran into him in the restroom and told him that I missed him and he did was nod. WTF?!

Matt no longer likes me and he wants nothing to do with me.

Matt has moved on and so must I.

Matt is too immature to handle a relationship at his age. He’s more married to his work than anything.

Matt doesn’t like me anymore.

Matt DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

MATT DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

I have to get that in my head! He’s moved on and so must I. It’s over.

I Miss You

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Oh Matt… I Love You. I Miss You.

Why did we break-up last night?! WHY!?!?

My heart aches for you. I am numb. I know that I am creating pressure for you. “My existence” you say adds pressure. You are torn. I’ve become a distraction.

All I want to do is hold you in my arms.

I love you so much. I miss you so much

About A Boy

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Hugh Grant’s character said it best in About A Boy: “Once you open the door to one person, anyone can come in.”

In my melancholy daydreams last week, I started reminiscing of people I’ve met over the last year. On New Year’s Eve, I started actually thinking about Matty J and wondering how he was doing. First, let me remind everyone about Matty vs. Matt. Matty was the first guy I met last year after my break-up. You can read about him in the original blog post. Yes, he is actual a Matt, but goes by the nickname Matty. I just want to differentiate between the two Matts.

Matt is the new guy who I’m falling in love with and who I’m “exclusively dating”.

Anyway, I started to think about Matty on New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t just a passing thought. It was a reminiscing moment that played through memories of dates and hanging out. I think I started to miss him at that moment.

Last Friday (My Birthday), he texted me to tell me Happy Birthday. Just out of the blue… We hadn’t texted since early June. The universe was listening and it responded immediately.

Matty and I did dinner on Saturday night and it was like no time had passed at all! It was an incredible evening and my heart started to warm up to him. I know that when we first met, I wasn’t ready to date him at all. He sent me a message telling me that I’m “hot” and a “sweetheart.” 

Yes, I think he is still interested in me. We’re planning to hang out again. A movie perhaps…

So now what? I’m exclusively dating Matt, but now Matty has come back and is expressing curious interest in me. What do I do? My heart is torn. Do I invest energy into a Long-Distance Relationship with a guy I am falling in love with?  Or, do I transition, ending my dating with Matt, and then start to engage interest with Matty?

I wish I could do both. But I’m not wired that way. Why do I have to be such a romantic?

Emergence

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Like a Phoenix from the Ashes – I am reborn.

My former self – a shadow I shall not mourn.

The tears have poured out of me and drowned my heart,

But I stand defiant, no regrets, looking for a new start.

Stone. If not, Steel. Surrounded by Wings of Flame to carry me high!

Discard. No more Discord. The Night ends; The Dawn draws nigh.

Look upon me: I am formidable.

Defiance in my Emergence.

A New Year

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I usually begin the year with a set of commitments or resolutions I strive to do for the year. I believe I only had 1 or 2 set for 2013 and I completed them all.

This year has already begun with a heavy heart. I sense 2014 is going to be another challenging year for me. I know that I am strong. I know that I can overcome anything. I’ve proven that to myself time and time again. But there’s only so much a human being can handle before succumbing to the physical limitations of just being human.

But I hold my head up high and move ahead. These are my commitments for 2014:

  • To learn to be comfortable with the ambiguity in my life. This means giving up some control and bending with the cosmic forces of the Universe.
  • To be more proactive and less reactive; thus, surrendering myself to the Light. What I’m learning from the Kabbalah.
  • To love without fear or regret. 
  • To balance my mind and spirit by honing the body. (P90X3!!!)
  • To connect and reconnect with new friends and old acquaintances. 
  • To emerge from my cocoon, transformed, and let go of the old me, but not forget about him and what he’s been through in the past year.

With Love,
R.