Author Archives: HeIsRandy

Hook-Up Guy #3

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Back in February, I did a crazy thing. At least it was more libido-driven rather than using my rational mind…

So, I fired up my Grindr around 6:00 pm in the evening and connected with a young guy named Ryan who was visiting Seattle. He was busy celebrating his “birthday” and so was getting the evening started with friends. He said that he would text me later to see if I was free to hook-up. I told him that was fine, but that I had a flight to get ready for at 5:00 am that next morning.

Around 1:30 am, I receive a text from him and he wanted to hook-up with me. He was staying with his friend in Belltown, only about 5-10 minutes away. So, in a half-asleep/half-horny state, I invited him over.

Stats:

  • Where did we meet: Grindr
  • Age: 19
  • Height: 5’10”
  • Weight: 138 lbs
  • Ethnicity: White guy, dark brown hair and brown eyes.
  • Position: Bottom mostly, I think.
  • Penis Size: 6.5″
  • Best quality: He wore glasses and resembled a cute Geek.

He arrived after 2:15 am and we sorta hit it off. We started making out on my couch when suddenly he turns to me and says: “I need to pee.” So, I excused him and he went to the bathroom to do his business. A moment later, we were at it again, making out on my couch. About 5 minutes later, he told me that he had to pee again. So off he went to pee in the bathroom. Now I was fully awake and getting irritable. Ryan was obviously drunk and wasted – and quickly becoming a HUGE turn-off for me. We continued making out and he kept passing out. I sighed and got him off to quickly end the whole thing. He turned to me and asked me if I wanted to get off. I said “Nope.”

He proceeded to get comfortable and was about to fall asleep. Severely irritated, I never let anyone sleep over, let alone a one night stand. SO, I woke him up and told him that he had to go. He looked at me and frowned. I could tell he was obviously tired, but I wanted him the fuck out of my apartment. I told him that I’d call him a cab and he was happy about that. Unfortunately, I only had $2 in my wallet for cab fare. I gave him the $2 and sent him on his merry way.

By then it was close to 3:45 am in the morning. Lessons learned here was: Don’t get tempted with twink meat no matter how horny you are. The folly of youth is only going to make you realize how old you are and how you can no longer tolerate stupidity. Ryan was a $2 whore who didn’t even make me come.

Letting Go

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Tonight, I’ve finally decided to let go.

I realize that I’ve been grieving over the death of a dream. I’ve been holding on to the agony and the pain of what once was. That’s why I kept feeling sorry for myself. It’s because I chose to hold on to remnants of that dream of a future that can no longer be. At least not in its previous configuration.

I’m alive and I can continue to thrive if I so choose. I choose to live and I choose to thrive. I have so much to offer to the world. It could have been much worse for me, but my strength and my hope has made me a survivor. I’m ready to move on now.

Everything I’ve invested over the last 8+ years of my life isn’t for nothing. It all becomes a part of me. All those experiences are now and always have been a part of me to bring/share in this next chapter. The hopes, dreams and aspirations all add value to that next person/relationship in my life. And for that, it brings a smile to my face.

Wisdom, it’s all wisdom. And I will get to share it with someone I love. The excitement of it all gives me something to look forward to.

And for that: I am grateful.

I Saw You (@Bus Ride)

I Saw You (@Bus Ride)

Definitely, another of “my type”. Intellectual type, geek. Glasses are a turn on for me. Also, big plus for the slippers. Love the legs. His attire could definitely be improved. He’s straight and from the Pacific NorthWest – that much is obvious!

Seattle Pride 2013

Clarity

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I finally hit my moment of clarity after over 6 months of analysis and contemplation. I give credit to Ayanna. We had lunch today at Japonessa and it was like old times. We’re officially caught up and up-to-speed on the trial and tribulations of our lives. Gotta love those 3.5 hour lunch dates – tears, laughter and all!

I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop feeling sorry for myself. I will give myself permission to cry when I want to, but I won’t feel sorry for myself anymore. It’s okay to feel sad once in awhile, but I will turn to the joy of life and revel in it. Life is too short to waste on misery and despair.

So, I’d like to thank my best friend and fag hag, Ayanna, for snapping me out of it.

The temperature is hot here in Seattle. The Sun is providing the Vitamin D I need to celebrate Pride this weekend. Although I’m alone, I’m going to celebrate my singleness. So, I’ve decided to fire up my Grindr once more.

I just updated my profile and photo and will take a look at it in about an hour. I wanna see who’s around. My therapist says I’m an attractive, intelligent, and amazing guy. I need to share myself with the world for all to see. I’m much better now than I have been the last few years. I am free.

I now need to be carefree. This is where I was 9 years ago and this is where I will be again. I can’t worry about what people think. I think this is the lesson I am learning.

Appendix: The Butterfly

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Image

Throughout the ages, the Butterfly has been described as an insect of beauty and grace as it flutters through the air in a delicate dance. Coming in various colors, disguising itself from predators, with indescribable patterns.

But the Butterfly is much more than that!

The Butterfly symbolizes metamorphosis and transformation. From its caterpillar form, it slowly weaves its chrysalis, biding its time until it has fully matured – finally, emerging in all its splendor as a Butterfly.

We all repeat this simple cycle in our lives. We crawl in stages that represent our infancy whether it be actual youth or as a beginning learner. After we have reached a certain point, we realize that we must transform ourselves to that next level. The transformation is slow, but eventual. We attain the pinnacle of our natural state. Emerging with our proverbial wings in full spread for the world to see.

This may occur multiple times throughout our lives for some; but for others – this transformation may only happen once. For very few, this never happens at all.

I would like to think that I’m in my chrysalis stage at the moment. I’m awaiting the end of this cycle. Watching through opaque walls that bind me. Restrained in a bundle, awaiting my freedom. Wanting to emerge, knowing that the beating of my wings in first flight has the potential to cause a tidal wave of change across the world.

30 Days of Night

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I’ve been in self-exile for the past 30+ days.

I refuse to go on dates. I refuse to fire up Grindr. I turn down events with groups of friends. I’ve been spending time alone. Except when I’m with my dog. I think I’ve been just trying to get some clarity in my life. I’m trying to get a good perspective of what my next steps should be.

Part of this process involves a lot of alone time. I’ve kept myself so busy for the first 6 months of singledom that I have distracted my true feelings. I’ve avoided feeling the pain of being single by keeping busy at work and filling my life with hook-ups and new friends. But towards the end of May, I had an epiphany.

My therapist said I still harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards my Ex. I’ve been keeping it bottled up with travel and keeping busy. I’ve not been confronting the core of my feelings. It’s always hard to face the truth and so much easier to run away & hide.

These “30 Days of Night” have been painful and gradual. By slowly taking away all of the stimuli, what did I have left buy my thoughts and feelings. My heart was bruised and covered in pain – my distractions denied me the opportunity to heal. It’s kinda like having a stab wound. If you constantly numb the area with anesthetics, then you really don’t know how much pain you’re in (or how much blood you’re actually losing).

I was becoming less and less of me. A shadow of my former self. But remnants of the loving and hopeful person still remains. I have to salvage what I have left of me – the person people adore and enjoy getting to know. It’s not fair to have that person just shrivel away. His existence must go on!

I think I’ve peeled the onion enough now. The tears are flowing. I’m beginning to let go. I’m beginning to grieve.

Bare with me while I start to walk towards the sliver of light appearing in the distance. I am famished. I am exhausted. My eyes are tired from all these tears. I think that light in the distance is dawn. This sunrise beckons a new day. No more night. Please. No more night.

Penis Size (Part 1)

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ImageI think its time I addressed the issue of penis size. Does it really matter in my next relationship? How important is it for me to consider penis size in a guy? Should I even care about penis size?

Without disclosing my own penis size, I want to just label myself as average. I don’t think I’m amazing at all. So, I really shouldn’t judge others.

In general, I think I’m attracted to guys who have average to above average penis sizes. I think I’m more intimidated with a guy with a large or extremely large penis. I’ve had all sizes: thick, thin, long, not so long, cut, uncut, average, massive. There are some cock sizes that I’m definitely more compatible with depending on the sexual act.

I think there is some function to penis size and what one is able to accommodate for it. I really am open to all sizes at the moment, but would prefer around the average/above average size. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being important, 1 being not  important; Penis size is about a 7 for me. But depending on the guy, whether personality and other areas of compatibility are the main attraction, then I definitely will put penis size to the bottom of the list.

Right now, penis size is a non-critical in the overall scheme of things. It’s a “Nice To Have” but I’m more drawn to the friendship and personality of the guy at this point.