“…we were always meant to say goodbye…”
Author Archives: HeIsRandy
Virtual Romance
Out of pure boredom, I put up a Craigslist ad this past weekend. I had no intention of actually hooking-up – I just felt bored and lonely and wanted to see how many responses I would get. It was sort of an ego stroke to get me motivated to start dating, I guess.
I received several responses, about 10% were of interest. One guy was a married guy who’s wife was out shopping for the afternoon and he wanted to kill time. Another was a visitor to the Seattle area, probably married as well, in his early 30s wanting to get off. Also, the Rock-N-Roll Marathon was happening and I noticed one ad that was posted: 38 y/o Married White Male, looking for a quick release after the race. Interesting ads. In any given moment, the ads online exhibit such lust and desperation; it’s all very entertaining!
Anyway, back to my ad, I received several responses, but decided to just flirt. One guy named “JD” was so interested in me, he begged to text me and wanted to send me explicit photos of himself. Hey, to each their own, right? I’m not into sexting at all. There was a time and age where I probably would have enjoyed it immensely, but I usually find it tiresome.
JD, however, begged and begged and begged for my mobile number. Being the skeptic that I am and distrustful of guys who I just met online, I setup my Textfree account and gave him my “fake” mobile number to text. So he started texting me and seemed quite interesting.
JD’s Stats:
- 36 y/o White guy
- Texting me from Akron, Ohio
- Lives with his elderly parents who are in their 80s
- HWP – around 5’10”
- Very cute, if not, handsome face. (I wonder why he can’t find a guy? Oh yeah, he’s in Ohio.)
- 3rd Grade School Teacher
- Not technically savvy at all! (A huge turn off for me.)
- Totally into me. Or else just horny as hell and wanting to get off.
So, I think I find JD physically attractive and if he was in the same city as me, I would hang out with him and probably go out for drinks. BUT he’s hundreds of miles away from me! On top of that, he’s still in the closet. As curious as I am to find out more about him and learn about his closeted existence, I realized that this would be an investment of my time and my emotions. I genuinely care about any guy I invest time in whether its for conversation or for a hook-up.
Since this gentleman is in Ohio, the investment to get to know him would prove unfruitful since I can’t even go over and hang out with him; or even make out with him. What’s the value of that! Zero.
Part of me is curious though. I wonder how a cute guy like this continues to live in the closet. It must be a frustrating place to be. I can only imagine the desperation and loneliness living that way. For that, my nurturing behavior wants to rescue him and save him. I want to bring him into the fold of gayness and have him celebrate amongst all the openly gay men of the world!
But I don’t have the time or energy to invest in this one. Someone else in Ohio will have to be his savior. I am in the process of trying to save myself.
It’s too bad really. Because he is damn cute.
Ayanna
Throughout the years, you meet someone who is a kindred spirit and someone who will always be there through all the major milestones in your life. There may be segments of time where your friendship has paused, but no matter the amount of time in-between – the friendship is always there like time hasn’t really passed.
Ayanna is one of my best friends in my life. Yes, I’ve known her for over 13 years now. It was an instant connection that has survived over multiple boyfriends/relationships (for both me and her). I think we met aeons ago in the original realm of Atlantis. (See future Appendix on Atlantis.)
It’s been about 2+ years since I last connected with her; both of our lives have been insanely busy and time just goes by without us realizing it. It just happens. One day we’re doing the bars one weekend; the next it’s 3 years later and we’re catching up. There’s no awkwardness or blame – just an excitement to reconnect and hang out again.
Ayanna could be labeled as one of the major “Fag Hags” of my life. Although a hag she is definitely not! She is a Dark Chocolate African Goddess from time immemorial. During one of our excursions, she was even accidentally called the Princess of Zambia! She is incredibly courageous and by far my intellectual superior. She continues to be the sage in our friendship, always giving me the most profound advice.
She’s my girl and I will always love her for being there in my life. I cannot continue this tale of singledom without her introduction. She is a major character in this tale and her story runs parallel to mine.
Tonight, we finally had a chance to catch-up. I finally brought her up-to-speed on my life and she did the same. Ironically, as I was going through my break-up back in December, her life was going through a series of major changes herself. The funny thing is that I tried to call her, text her, and e-mail her back in December, but for whatever reason my messages never went through. She, too, tried to contact me and text me, but I ended up not receiving any of her texts. The Universe did not want us to connect at that time. It was so strange.
When we needed each other most – we were forced to face our demons head-on, alone. However, my problems are insignificant compared to hers. It puts things into perspective. I know she will remain strong and be there for me in this next chapter. I will be there for hers as well.
What’s a single gay man’s story without a major turning point to get him to snap out of it?! I just wish this was just a movie and that I could just avoid the reality – the gravity – of the situation. Tonight, my heart goes out to Ayanna, who’s been there in my life through the joy and the pain.
My best friend, Ayanna, has Stage IV breast cancer.
The Little Prince (1943)
“Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” – The Fox
Hook-Up Guy #2
Hook-Up Guy #2 was named Joey.
I should have known by his awkward dialogue that this would only be a one-time hook-up. We had lunch in a nearby food court and he seemed nice at first. But that was only temporary.
Stats:
- Where did we meet: Grindr
- Age: 41
- Height: 6′
- Weight: 180 lbs
- Hair Color: Black
- Position: Unknown, I would guess that he’s a top
- Penis Size: 10″
- Best quality: He likes Comic Books
His ethnic background was Middle Eastern or Greek. I’m generally only attracted to White men, but I’ve had attraction towards other cultures. My Ex was a Latino hybrid and in High School I was attracted to Asian me. Tastes evolve, that I’m sure of. So, I decided to expand my cuisine into Middle Eastern men.
He was certainly a handsome man, but his personality absolutely soured his physique. The first thing I noticed was he “complained” about things and generally had a negative temperament towards life. I should have ended it there, but I was thinking maybe he was just nervous and that things would change if i got to know him better.
So, I invited him over.
We chatted and I realized that I wasn’t interested at all. But he made his move on me and let’s just say I’m only human and let my libido get a hold of me. I didn’t let it progress beyond mutual handling of equipment. At the end, I don’t think he got my message.
Note to self: I need to be more explicit about my intentions as to whether or not I’m interested in the guy or not.
What turned me off even more was that he continued to text me over the course of 6 weeks. On and off, desperately wanting to see me again. I, of course, handled the situation maturely by ignoring him entirely. There have been a few instances where he’s changed his Grindr profile and accidentally tricked me into saying “Hi” to him.
I think that eventually he finally got the message. He’s probably found the man of his dreams by now. At least I can be hopeful for someone else.
Party of One
I have always been an independent soul from the very beginning of my life. After all, I am an only child. I always envied my friends and family who all had siblings. I often wondered what it would be like to have an older brother (or sister) to boss me around. Siblings do shape you. I would have turned out to be a very different person.
But I can’t alter reality. My parents got divorced before they were able to reproduce again. Just my luck, I guess.
As an only child, I learned to make decisions on my own. As a consequence, I’m a very decisive adult. At the same time, I can be a very stubborn individual because my decisions are always the correct decisions. I’ve done the analysis and weighed all the options (for you and me) and therefore, this decision is final.
On top of that, I never truly learned to share. By having a brother or sister, one would have automatically developed the “sharing” technique. Instead, I find it somewhat irritating to portion out a piece of “X”. In fact, I’d rather do the project or “X” on my own. In all fairness, I have learned to share more from being in a long-term relationship.
In fact, I’ve begun to establish the relationship basics (often developed in one’s teen years w/siblings) as an adult in these LTRs. Albeit amidst a lot of arguments, but I’ve learned and have grown from these experiences. Heck, I still have a ways to go – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was a relationship expert.
I am crystallizing that part of me which needs to be developed. I am attempting to answer the questions:
- Who am I really?
- What exactly am I looking for?
- Who am I looking for?
- What the fuck do I want in a relationship?
- How can I get comfortable in my state of singledom?
Over these last 7 months, I am finding myself reverting back to my stubborn, single self. The good news is I’ve not become jaded. Not yet anyway. But I’ve noticed that I’m becoming comfortable being alone. Being a recluse. Hanging out by myself.
This is what I want, right? To be confident in my aloneness. To be strong in my loneliness. To find solace in being one.
Yet something is eating me up inside. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine to be alone. But I think I’m inadvertently confusing being alone with loneliness. Maybe I’m more lonely than I am feeling alone. I remember my therapist talking to me about this. It’s so fucking confusing.
Like I said earlier: I have so much content in my head that this is a way of releasing that jumbled up mess. Emotions are so tangled right now, I need to slowly unravel the knots. It takes time, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.
There is one truth for me this evening. Tonight, I’m lonely and alone.
I Saw You
Had a fun time at the Fremont Fair’s Solstice Parade today. Took tons of photos and just noticed this guy in the sea of naked bike riders. Who are you? Cute and handsome guy! Definitely my type.
My Type: The Concierge
Handsome, clean-cut, professional attire. Having blonde hair with blue eyes doesn’t hurt as well! Lean physique less than 6 feet in height is cool.
Hook-Up Guy #1: Tim
The first guy I hooked-up with in this single life was named, Tim. I put a random ad out on craigslist just to see what would happen and he responded.
Stats:
- Where did we meet: Craigslist
- Age: 31
- Height: 5’11
- Weight: 165-170 lbs
- Hair Color: Brown
- Position: Top – He’s “straight”
- Penis Size: 8″
- Best quality: Cock
The physical attraction towards Tim was/is intense. He’s a landscape designer/architect/garden expert, so he works hard physically. He’s definitely in shape, but not ripped. Lean body type with semi curly hair. A bit on the longer side, not a huge plus for my tastes.
We immediately hit it off in my apartment and had a great time. The hook-up was sexually fulfilling. I paid attention to him; he paid attention to me. Something I appreciate in a longer term relationship. From start-to-finish, the whole thing lasted for over an hour. It was fun!
I bring up Tim because there are qualities about him that allure and fascinate me. I don’t think he would do well as a long-term relationship for me because for one thing he considers himself straight. Yes, he’s fucked women and had long-term girlfriends for all of his life. He’s said that I’m the first guy he’s been with (yeah, right) and that he just gets these cravings once in a while.
More proof that sex for most men is purely physical – there is the separation of heart and libido here.
Another turn-off for me was his scruffy look. He had some facial hair which typically is a big turn-off for me; but the chemistry elsewhere outweighed the costs – namely his cock. So far, in all my escapades, Tim has the most gorgeous, perfect penis that I’ve seen in sexual partners. The size was a perfect 8 inches, smooth skin, not too veiny, a nice proportion of head and shaft. His pubic area was also well kept/maintained. (Was this guy really straight?! YES, he actually was – his attire screamed straight Pacific Northwesterner/Seattle-lite.)
All-in-all Tim was an awesome hook-up. I’d really like to hang out with him again.
Matt
Matt was the first guy I met A.B. (After Break-up). We met on Grindr (See Appendix: Grindr) by luck. I had not fired up Grindr for weeks in Seattle and out of pure boredom I finally did. The irony is Matt is also a heavy business traveler, so our paths would’ve rarely crossed on Grindr.
The dialogue between Matt and I was of an extremely friendly tone. I think we hit it off pretty well online. I thought he had a pretty cute Grindr photo (which he disclosed to me was about 2+ years old – another quirk of Grindr users, using old photos) and I’m guessing he thought the same of mine. We continued our chats via text messaging and decided to meet up for dinner.
He suggested that we have dinner at the new Indian restaurant, Shanik. (Little did I know that this was foreshadowing to the flavors he preferred in men.) I met him at the restaurant and must note that he arrived about 20 minutes late (normally, I would flag this, but let it slide… little did I know that this was another consistent theme for him in future meet-ups.)
My initial reaction of Matt was: cute guy and extremely intelligent. What a breath of fresh air! Matt works in academic healthcare as a consultant; hence his busy travel schedule. We started out with drinks at the bar and finally was seated for dinner. What I really enjoyed about the evening was his conversation. Chatting with Matt came naturally and he was able to navigate my quirkiness and random side notes. I appreciate that about a guy when they’re able to adapt to my conversation style and able to counter it with similar stride.
At the end of dinner, we hugged and promised to connect again at a later date. That was back in January and now its been over six months and we’re still friends. We’ve hooked up a few times and he’s helped me settle into my new apartment. I honestly must say that I could not have settled in so well without his warmth and his generosity. He accompanies me to my season subscription of ballet (he calls himself my “ballet slut”). It never ceases to amaze me on how well our conversations go every single time! However, I have not let it progress to anything more than friendship. I enjoy Matt a lot: he’s cute, he’s smart, he’s talented and such a great catch! But I finally disclosed to him that I wasn’t ready to date anyone. I am only into making friends at the moment.
So, it was all me. Needless to say, Matt has continued to meet guys (on Grindr) and I believe he is currently dating a great guy who has won his heart. It’s just like that saying: “You snooze; you lose.” I hope that his friendship continues to be a part of my life.
STATS:
- Where did we meet: Grindr
- Age: 42
- Height: 5’9″
- Weight: 170 lbs
- Hair Color: Blondish/Light Brown
- Position: Top (primarily)
- Penis Size: 6″
- Best quality: Intellect and conversation
Matt is an awesome guy! Who ever settles with him will be a very lucky man. It’s always fun hanging out with him and need I mention that he’s a culinary expert! He has a very discriminating taste which I appreciate.
the soulmate manifesto 