Right now, I’m wondering how strong the pull between us can be given the time and distance. Am I playing a game? No. I’m just being realistic.
If the pull is strong enough, he will engage me. If not, c’est la vie!
How strong is the gravitational pull between us?
The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long – and you have burned so very, very brightly…
– Tyrell, Blade Runner (1982).
Matt texted me today wishing that I was holding him. I told him I missed him.
What I’m learning about Matt is that he doesn’t share his emotions all that well. He is totally cerebral and speaks from the head rather than the heart. For all his problem-solving talents, his lack of passion from the heart is something he needs to work on.
I was honest with him (albeit over text): I told him that I haven’t really dated anyone I really liked since over 8.5 years ago. I basically told him I don’t know how to engage him. How to maintain his attention. So I asked and he said that I should do nothing to maintain his attention. And so, I shall. As simple as it sounds. Again, I don’t think he hears me. I don’t think he understands the concept of feeding the fire. Absence does make the heart grow fonder only if you’re in a committed boyfriend-to-boyfriend relationship. And that we are not. We’re merely exclusively dating.
But the conundrum here is: dating of any kind is usually sustained by actual face-to-face interaction over the course of once or twice a week. There is a 4-week interlude between us! That doesn’t sound like dating at all. How can two people who are dating, not actually date for over 4 weeks?!?
That is what I’m trying to reconcile. Here are the facts:
For me, I have nothing to lose, but I have nothing to gain either. I do care about him. I think I can honestly say that I love him too, but he said that it will not go anywhere beyond dating. How do you think that makes me feel? The irony is that I want to invest more in him and give him attention, but that means going into a boyfriend level. Something he doesn’t want to do! He wants me to act like a boyfriend who can be confident and strong and committed, but I really can’t because I can’t really be that for him. He wants the best features of having a boyfriend without really having one in his life. Is that commitment phobic?
Or am I just a fucking Love Fool?!?!
I just received news that I won’t see Matt until January.
My heart is aching. But this is/was part of the deal.
I wonder how strong the pull will be between us. Will it weaken? Will it strengthen?
I’m not afraid of the pain that comes with caring for someone…with loving someone… It’s okay for me to cry and grieve for the moment. I miss him dearly.
Escape.
On the verge of complete and total burn out, so I decided to take a day trip to San Diego. The excursion was three-fold: 1) to get a dose of Vitamin D; 2) to try and hit my airline MVP Gold status; and 3) to try and clear my head. I think I accomplished #1 and #3. I have yet to find out if I hit #2.
The sunny weather did help my mood. I was a stranger in a not-so-strange land. There’s something therapeutic and cathartic being alone in a city who doesn’t know you. You’re free to explore the native land without having to run into people you know. It’s absolute solace at times. I walked around the downtown area for about 5+ miles and just meandered down the various streets.
I had lunch at Cafe 21, followed by amaretto & hazelnut gelato at the Chocolat Cremerie. I strangely found myself at the Banana Republic and purchased a pair of winter gloves at 50% off. (They were very cute gloves.)
I worked for a bit, responding to e-mails. But for the most part, I found myself peeling away my own onion. The layers were many, but I finally let it all go. I have a single fear driving me: The fear of being alone.
The reality is that I’m not alone. I have people around me who love and care for me. I need to start putting things in motion where I can have them over – opening up that void I’ve kept closed for a year now. I was…am dynamic. There’s a magnetism about me that I’ve denied my friends and family now for quite some time. My heart maybe heavy, but I know that’s all part of the deal.
To love, is to run the risk of feeling pain. I will probably get hurt again, but such is life!
One funny thing to note is that in the hotel I was staying in, I was awoken to the sound of lovemaking (fucking) by my neighbors. It was after 2:00 am. I’m guessing they just returned from the night out. It could have been a random hook-up for all I know, but she was very vocal to him. He must’ve been good. Or he must’ve paid her well. 🙂
It’s amazing what a day of Vitamin D can do to you. I highly recommend that if you need to clear your head. For the most part: Mission Accomplished. I’ve achieved #clarity.
It’s been just over a year since I started my break-up. My transition. My transformation. Chrysalis.
Matt came into my life at the most unexpected time. I’m pleasantly surprised. We’ve been officially “exclusively dating” each other for about 6 weeks now. It’s been an optimal dating situation. He lives in Washington, D.C., and I live in Seattle. He comes to Seattle about 3-4 days a week and I expect him to be here until mid-January. After that, everything is up in the air.
He’s told me already that he can’t be my boyfriend because he would be a bad boyfriend. But he can offer his compassion, intimacy and friendship at the least. So, I agreed.
My mind is swirling with possibilities, but the one I want the most is something that can never be. So, am I punishing myself? I thought this long and hard… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not. I have good intentions and so does he. We obviously care about each other. We miss each other once in a while. There’s an honest and grounded connection between us. I mean, that’s the least we can ask, right? That’s the least any relationship can ask for.
I’ve decided to enjoy the moment of this experience for its simple bliss. I cannot control the outcome; nor predict the future of us. One thing is certain: I’m falling in love with him. Someone said to me: Like a coin, there are two sides to love: the joy and the pain. We cannot love someone without the risk of the pain. They go together. That’s what makes it so intense. So, that’s why i choose to go one with Matt. Why should I deny myself the chance to love someone?
If it ends, it will probably break my heart, but that’s part of the deal. It’s the risk I’m willing to take. Sure, I fear getting hurt a year after the break-up of my long term relationship. But knowing that I can actually love someone again is an unexpected revelation. So, yes, Matt. I do love you.
Little did I know the lure of Witchcraft would bind me to you.
An unexpected Enchantment cast from somatic components:
First a glance, then a stare, a flash of a smile – all true.
To my delight to discover that you were not an opponent.
Tis in your eyes I see potential;
Only a matter of time – its all eventual.
In my core, dare I ask thee?
To be the one to share this Journey?
This song is resonating with me at the moment. I think about Matt a lot when I hear this song. Oh Matt…
I have some good news and some not-so-good news. First, I started dating again. It’s the first person in a year where I’ve wanted to share more of myself and open up. I guess the recovery time took longer than expected. Sorry to those who wanted to date me when I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t all for naught though. They helped to move me past the hard parts this last year. They were the ones who I needed to learn from. They were casualties of love.
The not-so-good part is that the guy I’m dating is a much younger man. The youngest I’ve actually dated ever. Instead of just enjoying the present moments, I’m worrying about my age.
I’m beginning to think that I’m continuing some kind if self-destructive behavior. I keep asking why I do this to myself, why I meet people who cannot truly love me for who I am. I’m a glutton for punishment.
It’s after midnight in DC as I type this. My expectations were shattered this evening because of a stupid fantasy I had with this new guy. I don’t want to give out too much detail on him quite yet, I’m a superstitious type and don’t want to jinx myself.
We’ve been dating for about three weeks now. Hoping it will last another week… For now, I will let this pain consume a tiny part of my heart. He knows I like him and he says he likes me too, shouldn’t I just trust in that and just enjoy it? Why can’t I just let myself enjoy the good parts? Why do I have to be such a basket case?
I must trust in my older age and wisdom, I’ve experienced so much more than him. I should know better, but do I really?
I majorly fucked up last month. Why do we do such self-destructive things to ourselves when we’re single?!
Tony was an associate of mine who works in Australia. We happen to be at the same location last month for a conference and I thought it would be good to connect with him. We have a mutual friend named Adam, who actually introduced the both of us. For the past few months, Tony has be highly flirtatious and interested in me. However, the distance between Australia and the USA helped to prevent any bad consequences from happening.
Tony, after all, is a high ranking government official and it would be bad press for him to be discovered with someone like me. Also, he’s practically married to a gentleman for the past several years. I blame Adam for feeding the fires and telling me that Tony and his partner were on the rocks.
Rule #5: DO NOT play around with a married man, gay or straight.
I broke this rule. During a break at the conference, I invited him to my hotel room. He obliged and we soon connected.
Either he was tremendously guilty by the experience or appalled by me, for the rest of the conference he avoided me. Of course my self-esteem just shattered at that point. All I could think of was what was wrong with me. I couldn’t even look at him in the eye. Poor Adam didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me.
I couldn’t let this out at all. So, I’m keeping my secret here. For the Universe to judge. I am doing penance for all the wrong things I’ve done. I cannot do shit like this ever again. It’s not healthy for me to go after someone unattainable. I must hate myself that much to keep torturing myself.
When do I start to love myself? I think when I’m able to let go of my fears and accept myself as who I am. I’m getting older, not getting prettier – it’s the way all things go.
the soulmate manifesto 