Author Archives: HeIsRandy

Fade Into You

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Hello blog. It’s been ages. I’ve had so many thoughts and over the past 6 weeks… I’m slowly getting over this fear. Fear of confronting these feelings. I hate putting them down in words because once I do – it becomes a permanent part of the universe.

I’m listening to Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You and am reminded of a long lost love. His name was Eric Lee. I was in San Jose and I was barely out of the closet. I was working on my BA at the University and we happened to work at the same part-time job location. He was not that much younger than me. We definitely connected.

Each time I hear this song, I think of him and the fucking misery I was in. Not being able to tell him how much I loved him. It was gradual. From colleagues to friendship to best buds… We hung out at odd hours and he was so engaging and interested in me. But it was doomed from the start. Unrequited love at its finest.

Those things stay with you forever if left unresolved. Nothing happened between us. Or maybe something. I can’t recall. Or I’ve buried it in my soul. Either way, he stepped out of the picture. We grew apart. I often wonder how he’s doing and where he’s living now.

Soon after, I came out of the closet. I met a guy named Andy A. I’m sure he’s still around… no longer in California. Somewhere warm and sunny where he wanted to be. This was another one of my disastrous tragic relationships. I stole him away from his boyfriend of two years. Damn. I was so fucked up back then. I crossed those boundaries.

He broke up with his boyfriend for about two weeks. We had an amazing time and it felt like forever. But who knew? Guilt got the best of him and he went back. Apologetic and forgiving. I was the asshole. Billie Myers’ Kiss The Rain will always remind me of him. The last time I saw him, I agreed to meet him at the laundry mat. He was doing laundry and I drove there to meet him.

I still see him sitting on one of the washers reading a book. Like a scene from a movie, I walk in and smile at him. Recalling the passionate few weeks we had together. Who was I to think I could have a man like him? A poet, a writer, a movie buff… qualities that drew me to him. I said “Hi” and he said “Hi”. Tears welling up in his eyes.

I forgave him for breaking my heart because the fault was actually mine. He held my hands and kissed me. The world stopped turning and time slowed down. I wanted him for myself. I couldn’t have him.

After a few words were exchanged, I wished him good bye. I pulled out a wooden charm from my pocket and handed it to him. I told him: “This is a symbol of protection. I hope your heart is protected and that you’ll think of me from time to time.” I smiled and drove off. I cried for weeks often thinking of running back to him and begging him to be with me. But I never did. I buried those feelings and held my head up high.

When it rains, I sometimes kiss the rain and think of Andy.

The heart remembers what the mind hears. When the music plays, those memories all come back like it was just yesterday.

Avoidance

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I’ve been fearful.

I’ve been fearful of this blog and all my thoughts transposed onto it. 

I’ve been purposefully avoiding it because I hate the reminders of being single. 

I am doing much better lately. I just have been running away from my feelings a bit. Taking a time out and reflecting on my current state of mind. of Heart.

Right now, listening to Brendan Perry’s solo album, Ark. I got pulled into his music because of my thirst for Dead Can Dance. I was craving something new, but old. A reminder of a time in my life where Darkwave ruled supreme. 

I hooked up with a couple of guys in the past 2 weeks. They’ve been pretty good distractions. More on the both of them later. I promise. I met up with a potential date, but that fizzled out as well. (Thank you, OK Cupid.) 

I wonder if the person I’m supposed to be with next is even in this city. Things I keep thinking about that no longer consume my soul. I have to keep Hope alive, but for now, I’m going to stop looking.

Dancing On My Own

This is an oldie, but goodie. (Yes 2009 is already old.)

After reading several interpretations of this song online, my own summary is as follows:

A single man who happens to be gay is in love with his straight male friend. This gay male happens to be totally in love with the straight friend, but has kept it to himself for a very long time. It’s tearing him apart. One night of dancing finally highlights the gravity of his situation: unrequited love – a love that can never be. He watches him from the corner of the club or dance floor. The straight friend is totally occupied by his new girlfriend. Listen carefully to the chorus: “…I’m not the guy you’re taking home…” His agony is so descriptive as he watches him flirt with her. Heart-wrenching words surrounded by the techno drum beats, it’s so subtly covered. One’s immediate interpretation would be about a woman experiencing this – watching her straight friend with his new girlfriend. But the catch is the line in the chorus. What makes it even more incredible is that Robyn is singing it from the perspective of a gay man.

The Will

Well, we’re all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life, and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.

– Six Feet Under, Season 1, Episode 2

Recluse

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I have been a hermit lately. This funk I’m in has pretty much numbed my heart. I’ve become a bit of a recluse… well, more than a bit. I’ve not been wanting to be social at all. I continue to be pensive and contemplative of my situation. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the really good and happy memories in my former life/relationship. It’s self-torture I know – but the really good memories – the ones that make me smile is something to be cherished, right?

There’s this one particular beautiful memory where we were on the Oregon coast, about an hour south of Portland. It happened to be a cold Spring morning. There’s some coastal fog and the dampness on the sand. I recall running on the beach and the dog enjoying himself. There was a sense of solitude and solace. We were the only ones on the beach.

So peaceful, so removed from the stress of reality. It was almost like a fantasy. I was so happy. I felt the calmness and serenity of it all. Even the dog was ecstatic! So surreal. 

Fast forward 3 years later, I never would have imagined being in this situation I am in now. God(dess). Why the fuck do I keep torturing myself like this?

I’ve been watching a lot of dramas lately. Thankful for Netflix! Each one of the films always ends in a happy ending, always romantic. Fuck. I want that. I don’t think I had that in my previous relationship. I had something close, but nothing like a Hollywood ending. But I guess that’s the truth of romance. 

We all want that happy ending, but we have to understand that we only get half of that. Some people live in denial and want more, when we should just be satisfied with what we have right now.

Immobilized

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I’ve been exhausted the past couple of weeks and I’m still quite tired right now. I haven’t been meeting anyone and have been in seclusion over the weekends. I’m not really moving forward as I’d hope. It’s been an incredibly slow pace.

My therapist wants me to go out and about and do small spontaneous interactions with random guys. E.g., when I’m at the supermarket and I do some small conversation with the cashier. Or go to a bar and introduce myself to a cute guy.

The thing is I’m less spontaneous in those situations because I don’t have that social/outgoing personality as some other people do. That’s just not how I’m built/wired. 

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Online dating is somewhat of a challenge as well. I think I’m not going work at this because I’ll just end up disappointed. I’m going to let go and be carefree. Even though I’m a planner, I can’t just plan this process. I’m too fucking analytical.

Fantasy #1: The Doctor

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I’ve always had a knack at picking the most handsome and sexiest doctors in the city. In fact, each one of my practitioners are drop dead gorgeous!

Today, I am fantasizing about one of those doctors. He’s my eye doctor. Married with 2 kids. He’s a year younger than me with beautiful blue eyes and light brown hair. He has an amazing personality and is definitely suckable. (Fuckable, yeah, that too, but I’d rather be receiving him than giving it to him.)

I imagine us up close and my hand just touches his knee and brushes his thigh gently. He’ll look at me and I’ll smile at him…

The rest of the story…I will leave up to your imagination.