Author Archives: HeIsRandy

Lonely

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Wow. I’ve never felt this lonely in a long time. When I was in a relationship, I’ve felt alone, but I never felt lonely. Now that I’m single, I’m finding that a lot of the activities that require a boyfriend/partner is a bit of an eye-opener for me. 

I had a nice, long, and relaxing weekend and felt totally alone. Summer time is filled with vacations – so a lot of the people I would typically hang out with are traveling. Except for me. I’m doing a “stay-cation” and as a result don’t have anyone to hang out with. 

I have my dog, who requires a lot of attention and care, so I’m definitely keeping myself busy. But it’s a bit sad not having someone I could easily cuddle with. Someone I can watch a movie with. Or even take a walk around the city with. 

I’ve started to dabble in Manhunt. UGH. Far worse than Grindr. But we’ll see. I’m trying to keep an open mind. 

The sun keeps shining here in Seattle. I think the excess Vitamin D is keeping my mood elevated for the most part. So thank you weather gods!

I can honestly say that I’m tired of hooking-up with guys and “one night stands”. Maybe in a younger day I wouldn’t have cared so much. I’m beginning to think I won’t find my soulmate in Seattle.I have a feeling he lies elsewhere in the globe. So, what does this mean for me? Only time will tell.

Hook-Up Guy #6: Andy

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Stats:

  • Where did we meet: Craigslist
  • Age: 26
  • Height: 6’2″
  • Weight: 90 kg
  • Ethnicity: White guy, light brown hair
  • Position: Top/Straight
  • Penis Size: 7″ Uncut
  • Best quality: Accent

Andy was an Aussie from Sydney. He was a curious married guy who wanted to do some mutual j/o. I obliged. In the room, he was a little nervous. He had turned down my first invitation, but his libido got the best of him and he finally succumbed. 

He was a relatively attractive gentleman. He was working late and told his wife he was having drinks with friends. I wondered how often he did this “after work” thing. He told me that he only played around with a guy once “a long time ago” and has been curious ever since. 

We laid in the bed next to each other fully clothed. He was dressed in a full business suit & tie. He removed his jacket and tie and we watched television and chatted for a bit. 

He proceeded to touch my groin. I was fully clothed still and thought: He must be telling the truth! He is new at this! I smiled at him. I found him attractive, but I wasn’t really aroused. I just let him massage me, still wearing my pants. I moved my hand to his groin and proceeded to massage him the same way with his pants on. He obviously was more into this than I was.

After about 20 seconds, he said: “Ah, fuck it.” And quickly pulled off his pants and underwear. He originally didn’t want any skin-on-skin contact, but I could tell he was so horny and that this opportunity for him wouldn’t come again any time soon.

He was raging hard. His uncut cock was fully stretched. He laid back and let me touch him. He quickly unbuckled my pants and pulled down my zipper and I felt his hand wrap around me. He stroked.

And I stroked. Not more than a minute and he asked me to slow down/stop because he was close to coming. He was definitely a virgin for gay experiences. I wondered if his wife got him this excited.

I paused a moment and then continued. It was about 2 more minutes when he told me he was about to cum. He moaned. I stroked him and he exploded all over my hand. 

I got up and went to the bathroom to grab a towel. I came back and cleaned him up. At this point, I didn’t really feel like getting off at all. Something about a nervous straight married man who is too excited to hold on – didn’t really turn me on. I cleaned up and put on my clothes.

He did the same. But as he was doing this, he kept apologizing to me for being so lame and boring. He also nervously started telling me how he’s glad he got this out of his system and that he’s not going to ever do this again. He kept saying Sorry to me. Yeah, I definitely wasn’t turned on at all at this point.

He thanked me and went on his way.

The moral of the story is: don’t be the first guy for first-time curious straight married men. Let someone else initiate them to sexual awakening. Maybe after 2 or 3 times, they’ll be more comfortable and the sex could be more satisfying…at least for me!

Dissolution of Partnership

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Today, I received a formal agreement from my Ex. It was a “Dissolution of Partnership” to make our separation final and legal. Basically, it’s a 3 page document stating that we’re no longer “partners” and that we have no financial obligations to each other. On top of that, it clearly outlines the who owns what.

This is finality at its best. 

In this day and age, one can never be too safe from retribution. It’s a society of material goods and fear of losing those material goods. So, people draw up contracts and agreements in order to protect themselves. 

Of course, I was expecting this from my Ex. I expect no less. He got the house, the furniture, the cat and the long-term investment. I lost all that, plus the car. BUT I got the dog and I got my self-regard and dignity. 

The irony of gay relationships is that it all begins out of lust and then moves into love. But somewhere between love and hate, the relationship starts to get tied up in money and property and material things. Some people choose to stay despite the challenges and lack of love because there’s just so much already invested in the relationship. Blood, sweat and tears…and money.

But others realize there’s so much more to life than that. One’s happiness is key. Whatever strength a person can muster, they do it. They end the relationship and sacrifice EVERYTHING in order to move towards something more substantial and less material. It’s hard to do – but hope drives it.

Anyway, I need to find an attorney to review this Dissolution. Just when I thought things were completely over, I still have some work to do. Such is life!

The Heat is On

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There’s definitely a correlation between warm weather and the male libido. The sun has many benefits – aside from Vitamin D – it puts guys in a happier mood, if not hornier. In Seattle, where grey clouds and wet weather tend to put a damper on mood, the sunny days brings about an excitement all too rare. Fortunately, this year we’ve had better luck this summer with sunny days.

Today was no exception. Sunny and delightful 80 degrees, people were out and about enjoying the great weather. I found myself inspired to going to Downtown Seattle where I could run a few errands, including a visit to Target and an Aveda run. Dressed in a comfortable polo shirt, khaki shorts and sandals I walked through the crowds enjoying the vibe.

I arrived early at Pacific Place. The stores were still closed and had yet to open. I had 15 minutes to spare, so I sat on a bench and proceeded to browse Grindr.

-3A few minutes later I noticed him from afar walking past the central sandwich/salad station at the bottom of Pacific Place. He was a white guy, about 5’10” 155 lbs. He had short dark brown hair and very English features. He had a tan colored top with a nice green shorts and dark colored boat shoes. We immediately made eye contact and locked our gaze. He meandered slowly past me and I kept my attention on his.

He was obviously distracted by me and acted if he didn’t notice. He glanced lightly at a store window display and quickly turned around to look at me. At which point, I smiled at him. He got the clue. He walked down towards the escalator and again turned around to look at me. I was still staring back at him. (He’s probably thinking that I’m a bit of a psycho.) I quickly turned my head to look at my phone.

I turned back to look at him again and he was on the escalator all the while staring at me. He was headed to the second floor. I caught his gaze above while he was on the second floor. He was heading into the restroom.

At that time, I should have taken cue and ran up to the restroom to join him. BUT I was too lame. Whatever inner voice that exhibits my rational and logical part was in full control of my libido. DAMNIT.

A few minutes later he comes out of the restroom and glances down at me and I smile at him. He proceeds back down the escalator and is making direct eye contact with me as I’m doing with him. The sexual tension was so intense by now I was getting a hard on. I smiled at him again.

But still – that part of my brain that said: “don’t do anything stupid” was still in control. FUCK! He got off the escalator, walked away towards a jewelry store, not before turning around and staring at me again. SIGH.

At this point, I wanted to ask him for coffee or a drink. But how awkward was that. First off, why the hell is he going into a jewelry store?! A person only goes there if they’re purchasing a gift of some sort. For his partner? For his fiance? Was this guy even gay? Probably just a married straight man looking for someone to give him a good blow job while his wife is out shopping at some clothing store nearby.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to risk looking stupid, so I went into Aveda to purchase my skin care supplies. In the middle of the purchase, I turned around to the entrance of the store to see him coming back from the direction of where I was seated originally. He was obviously looking for me and I wasn’t there. Damn. He didn’t see me in Aveda either. SHEESH.

I panicked a bit and wanted my transaction done and over with. But Aveda’s WONDERFUL customer service delayed me a while longer. (Damn freebies and offering to do a spa treatment!) When I left the shop, it was too late. He was already gone.

I know that was a connection. Albeit a temporary one… with someone who was daringly responsive to my non-verbal cues. I just wish I had the balls to engage. Note to self: Need to figure out how to quiet my inner rational voice without the use of alcohol.

Fear Itself

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My therapist told me today that I’m an amazing, considerate, attractive, fun, smart, intelligent, remarkable, positive attitude, and genuine individual. Basically, I’m a catch for any gay man who is interested.

BUT, fear of failure and getting my heart broken is keeping me at bay. 

I need to find the strength to ignore the fear that speaks to me when I need the confidence to be all those qualities. I am holding myself back. It’s so ironic.

He said that I don’t see myself the way others do. That damn inner voice is sabotaging my future happiness. I cannot allow that to happen. This is one of the hardest obstacles I’ll need to overcome. 

There’s nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Unrequited (Love)

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Is it possible to send my love out to the Universe and have someone drawn to me?

It’s kind of like a Wish. You put it out there and Hope that it comes true. Based on some random notion that it will come true. A Wish can be very specific and the outcome is very small with such a narrow focus.

What I’m wanting to do is to put all this Love and Energy I have in my Heart and pour it out into the Universe and see what happens. My broad focus is kind of like casting a very large net out into this small pond. I’m bound to catch something right?

The irony of all this is: I think I found someone who I think I can date. After 8 months of remorse and healing, my eyes are open to the possibilities and I found the man of my dreams.

The catch is that he doesn’t live in Seattle. He’s “visiting” from College and currently resides in the Bay Area in California. On top of that, I have a sense that he’s already taken. (Boo!) The good ones are always taken. Why is that? If the circumstances were different, I’d definitely ask him out and date him. It’s a bit unbearable to be near him and want him so badly. But I don’t want to seem so “stalker-ish” and always drool/flirt with him when he’s around. So, instead I act aloof and disinterested. (Even more ironic, right?)

One thing is for certain: I know what I want. He’s out there. (He’s here.) I just have to find someone who’s interested in me.

Here fishy, fishy.