Category Archives: Chronicles

These are the musings of my life. These are essential backstories to the manifesto.

Season Finale

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A couple of television shows have recently ended their season. A few have even ended their series. I feel like I’m coming to my true season finale. 

After experiencing a season of heartbreak and heartache, Matt is able to move forward and reconnects with Randy. They are friends again, but something in Randy has changed. He still yearns and loves Matt, but it is now up to Matt to make the final commitment.

Meanwhile, back at home, Randy’s best buddy, Cliff has decided to move away to another country with his partner. This time for good. He’s known Cliff for almost 15 years now and Randy realizes this will be a huge shift for him. Along with that, Randy’s other friends are all pairing up – leaving him as the sole “single person.” What’s surprising to Randy is that his new friend, Andy, has also gotten in a relationship. Randy didn’t realize how much it actually hurt because he knew that Andy genuinely cared for him. 

Randy’s gal pal, Mary, is also refocusing her energy and is at risk of losing her job and moving on. He tries to be there for her as supportive as possible, but Mary is in turmoil.

Karen continues to provide wisdom and support despite all these changes in Randy’s life. He finds himself becoming a recluse – ignoring the party invitations as he starts to disengage. On top of that, a new career opportunity presents itself to him. Something very high profile with a higher salary. If he decides to move forward with it, it will forever alter his career path, closing doors and opportunities that are currently there.

Randy is at a crossroad in his life. Does he make that move? Does he stay in Seattle? Will he get the man of his dreams back? Will he be forever single? What new characters will appear next season? Does Randy find love again? 

Cut to the final scene: Randy is waiting at the airport terminal. Alone. In his hand is his boarding pass and passport. He’s about to travel to parts unknown. He picks up his mobile phone, turns on Facebook and checks-in at the airport. His status update to his friends: “Round and round he goes; where he stops – nobody knows….” The voice over the loudspeaker announces that its time to board the plane. He puts his phone in his pocket and boards the plane.

The season has ended; and a new one begins. Much sooner than you think!

Reunited

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It was Thursday after 5:00 pm when I received his text.

I was still in the office finishing some last minute projects prior to my departure the next morning. It was unexpected and surprising. “How are you?”

I felt the numbness that comes when you receive a message when you least expect it. It was a surreal moment and at the same time welcoming. I did not even allow myself the opportunity to imagine this day, this moment. No. I had accepted his silence and decision to disengage. I had made peace with him leaving my life. I could not see a future where he would return. 

“Were you really going to leave DC without even texting a hello?”

I respected his decisions. I thought he didn’t want to be in touch anymore.

“I think I would value having you in my life as a friend very highly.”

We agreed to meet at 8:00 pm at my hotel. The anticipation had begun. After an early evening meet-up at a restaurant with a colleague, I quickly returned to my hotel room to freshen up. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought how old I looked. I also saw how unpresentable I was. It was a long week and I had no plans of seeing him ever again. The bags under my eyes seemed so pronounced.

He would be here in 5 minutes.

I changed my shirt and sweater. I was happier in this outfit. (And warmer too!) I took a deep breath and told myself I could do this. He just wants to reconnect…for friendship. I proceeded down the elevator and found the couch in the lobby that faced everyone. The next few minutes felt like a million years. I sat down on the couch and unbuttoned the bottom button of my coat. I pulled out my iPhone and began to read my Twitter feed.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him. It had been over a month since we last saw each other. Even longer since we last spoke…since I last held him in my arms. I stood fast and noticed how quickly he was moving towards me. I moved even quicker. 

Time stood still. Everything around us just stopped. I held him close; he held me closer still. Oh my God. How I missed him so. I held him again. I didn’t care who was watching us. He held me tightly as well. I could feel myself in his strong embrace. I felt his chest breath against mine. I didn’t want this moment to end.

We walked briskly to the restaurant. Catching up on the past several weeks. I was reminded of a visit last November where he and I walked to another restaurant. I held his hand in mine and I was so tempted to hold his hand again, but he just wants to be friends, right? 

We sat at the bar and ordered our drinks. The food came out soon afterwards. We talked about work; we talked about dating. The question did gnaw at me and so I asked him: “Why now? Why after all this time have you decided to reach out to me?” He told me that he was finally ready to be my friend. That he has learned to let go of a lot of stuff over the past several weeks. I told him that it suited him. I wasn’t ready to give in yet. I had my wall up and didn’t open up as easily as he did. I wanted to be sure there was no coldness, no uncaring, no traps for me to fall into. 

The dinner ended and we proceeded outdoors. I wanted to give him the choice. I didn’t want to be the desperate Ex-lover who wanted him badly. No, I gave him the choice.

“So, do you have to go home now? Do want to go home now? Or do you want to hang out?”

He told me that he really should go back home. He was tired and needed rest. At that moment, my heart dropped and felt the moment slipping away. But something in him paused. He wanted to see me. So instead, we headed back to my hotel room.

I turned the TV on in the room and proceeded to put my jacket in the closet. He had already made himself comfortable. I smiled at him. I sat on the bed next to him. There was a space between us, but that lasted only seconds when I said: “Come here.”

This is what I was craving the most. Him next to me. Near me. Pressed up against me. His head on my chest. I smelled his hair and kissed his forehead. He was mine again and I was his. I held him close. “Are you okay with this?”, he asked. “Yes,” I said. With all my heart, YES.

We kissed and I held him close. His familiar touch, his familiar scent, his familiar taste… We were together again. At that moment, I realized that my vision of the Jellyfish had come true. I was frightened and humbled at what the Goddess had given me. 

Oh Matt, how I’ve missed you so much.

A Vow

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I come out of the darkness…with new hope.

A vow of celibacy this year.

No more Looking.

No more Dating.

No more Hook-Ups.

It’s just all about Me.

This means, I’m no longer looking for a Soulmate. It means this Manifesto has come to a Pause. This is not the end. Think of it as the end of Season 1. It’s time for a break and I plan on taking a different journey this year.

I put on my pack filled with the bare essentials to keep me alive. To keep me going. I board up the cabin that I’ve called home for the past year and a half. A walking staff in hand, I take a deep breath. Close my eyes and the future is unknown to me. I open my eyes and there’s a path in front of me which I don’t know where it will lead. This journey is more grand and more breath taking than I have ever encountered in my life. I pull the cloak over my head, its cape dragging behind me. The wind starts to pick up and the sun begins to rise. With my head up, I walk into the great Unknown…

The Jellyfish

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Last night, I was in Restorative Yoga and we did a meditation sequence with a “vision quest” that focused on the Heart space. The room was dark with sounds of breathing from the other Yogi. Each of us centered in our own transcendence. The Yogini pulled back the curtain to our creative imagination and led us through this journey.

This is what I saw.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was alone in the darkness. I listened intently and heard the heart beat. My heart beat. Slow and steady. I was drawn to its warmth and dived within the Heart space.

 

While there, I summoned a sea creature. My spirit guide for this journey. I floated cross-legged within my beating heart. The rich dark colors surrounded me. I was in a fathomless chamber that contracted with every beat. I was alone for just a moment when the Jellyfish appeared. 

 

It floated angelically nearby – the size of balloon, its stalk and tendrils fluttering like strands of light coming off a moonlit bulb. It was pure white and transparent. Its ambient energy just humming and imitating the beating of my heart. I observed its beauty and gentle movements. It seemed curious about me and beckoned me closer.

 

In an instant, I saw images and memories flood my heart space. It was Matt. He smiled at me and spoke to me. These were echoes of times of Love. I flinched momentarily, feeling raw. I missed Matt and wanted to see him again. 

 

A space opened below – a dark void deeper within my Heart space. Some unknown chamber that held secrets yet to come. I looked at The Jellyfish and it quickly darted into the darkness and I knew I needed to follow. I banished the memories of lost love and closed my eyes and dived into the shadows.

 

I felt a warmth that surrounded me. It was water. I opened my eyes in the depth and saw that The Jellyfish which glowed white was lighting the passage. I didn’t have to swim. The Jellyfish had an invisible tether that pulled me gently along. It felt like a deep sea with only my guide and myself in its entirety. 

 

I broke through the surface of the water and found myself in a place of tranquility and serenity. The colors that surrounded me were many shades of dark blue. The Jellyfish aura surrounded me and emanated the waters around me. The shade of its light changed from white to a heavenly sky blue.

 

It emerged from the surface of the water and floated upwards as light as a feather and floated above my head, hovering with its now blue light. We were alone in this place where nothing existed. Nothing had been built. In the middle of an eternal ocean with dark blue night skies without stars. 

 

Yet, in the blink of an eye, I saw several meters ahead of me a crescent shaped beach only but the size of a small room. Another blink later, I noticed a single palm tree on the tiny island. Blink. The island of white sand seemed to expand another meter away. Each consecutive blink and the island began to grow.

 

The Jellyfish doubled in size, its tendrils stretched out towards me and it carried me out of the water. Like a balloon, The Jellyfish moved skyward and we floated to the island. It brought me back down towards the earth, and I stepped on its soft dry sand. The island was still small, but every time I blinked or took a breath another aspect of it changed. Like a blank canvas, this space was being painted by some cosmic force. 

 

Suddenly, I sensed a presence behind me. A feminine energy of great power and compassion. I turned around to face where I had come out. Like Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, a woman of remarkable, immortal beauty rose out of the waters and floated above the surface. Her feet gently stepped on the waters and she stood there smiling at me. I knew now this was the original maker who inspired Botticelli. I was staring at a Goddess. I was in the presence of Aphrodite.

 

She didn’t have to say a word. I felt her Love and her warmth. Her healing energy just swept through me. I collapsed on the sand in awe of her grace and power. I wept in her presence. Grateful for all that she had done. She gestured me to turn around.

 

There was another presence on the island. It was Andy. He smiled his lovable smile and moved quickly towards him. Hugging him close. It was so good to see him. I wasn’t alone anymore. The Goddess smiled and faded into the blue darkness.

 

Andy and I held each other in silence and he comforted me. By now, the island had grown hills in the distance. Lush vegetation had propagated everything outside of the beach. Yet, everything was still bathed in a blue tone. I looked into Andy’s eyes and he smiled at me. In my heart and mind, I knew what he was telling me: Everything is going to be alright. I pressed my head close to his chest, listening to his heart beat. Andy was now my guide. 

 

It felt like an eternity, but I knew it was only moments. My eyes closed in this peaceful surrender.

 

Andy roused me and I slowly stirred. I sensed another person on the island. Andy held my hand and walked towards an area of the island that hid that presence. I was nervous. Andy continued to comfort me. I was a bit fearful of who else was on this island. Somewhere nearby, The Jellyfish hovered, following us with its blue light.

 

Andy squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes with his charming looks. I now saw where he was leading me. Who he was leading me to. Standing there in the distance was Matt.

 

Andy moved us closer, my hand still in tow. I wanted to cry at that moment. There was Matt standing there smiling. In that instance without an exchange of words, he asked for my forgiveness and asked for my Love. Andy connected us – passing my hand into Matt’s.

 

I let go of Andy and held Matt close. We were together again. We were whole again. It was my turn to have him close to me. I never wanted to let go again… Andy stood nearby to support me. Matt in my arms to love me. Looking in the distance of this now monumental island, I saw magic before my eyes. 

 

A crystalline castle had grown from mountain hills, sparkling so magnificently beckoning all three of us. This was only a dream, right? What does this all mean? My heart space was now full.

 

We walked towards the castle and I woke up.

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day

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Dear Aphrodite,

Today is the day we honor you and your portfolio. I have learned the lessons of Love over the past 15 months. I have suffered two broken hearts in a span of a single year and still I devote myself to you. 

Yes, I understand that love has two sides: 1) a passionate, joyful and radiant light; and 2) a raging, all-consuming inferno. Both are eternal and ever-lasting. One connects and builds bonds between people; the other severs those bonds. Through it all, Love blinds us.

On this day of all days, I  write this missive to you in hopes you can hear me. I made a single wish on my birthday – which has yet to come true…if ever. It was a wish for Love. True Love.

I declare my commitment to Love. I declare my devotion to You. 

I know now how to wield Love as a sword and shield. To defend and to attack. To champion and to cripple. To protect and to wound. The sword cuts both ways. The shield bludgeons and bruises. One cannot have Love without the risk of pain.

So, I ask thee, Aphrodite, on this night of Love: make my wish come true. Lest, I will serve you in celibacy – a priest to the cause. To bathe others in the Violet light.

Love,
Randy

One Last Try

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  • I asked you to be my friend. You agreed, but haven’t acted like once since.
  • I asked to see you again. You said “Yes”, but haven’t even reached out.
  • I told you that I missed you and you said that you missed me, but haven’t even acknowledged me.
  • I told you I’d be here this week and I asked you to tell me when it works for your schedule. Yet you haven’t even sent me times that work.
  • I try to smile at you, but you look away.
  • I try to be your friend; and you pull away.

How can you be so cold? How can you be such an asshole?

You are an immature child. Just like you said you would be. WELL, all I can say is that I will continue to be your friend even though you don’t treat me like one. I will be there when you need me because that’s in my nature. I will support you in times of trouble. Because my gift is Love. And I have a lot of it.

I’m Moving On

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Finally.

I am getting clarity. Clarity once more.

I’ve run away. No, I’ve escaped the Madness of Seattle. Yes, I’ve escaped. I’m back to my roots. I’m back in my hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Family is here. Family is healing me. Amazing how their energies are helping to restore me. Am I selfish to be here to heal myself? Their love is unconditional. We’re family and family takes care of family.

I’m letting go of the “divorce.” I’m moving forward. The chapter is officially closed with all my shit moved out of the old house. More importantly, with the old house being sold to someone who will really appreciate the space. But I know every time I drive or walk past it, I will remember and feel a bit melancholy. And that’s OKAY.

Good bye, old dream with Chris. Farewell future vacations and around the world homes. Bye bye, growing old together on Queen Anne. Time for me to gather my belongings and move on.

Also, my poor mother. I accept her fate. I accept that I cannot help her. Goddess, no, I CANNOT help her. In her dark times, I cannot save her. All I can do is Love her and send what every compassion I can send. Her sisters are there to support her. I am the son of a bitch who can not live her life. She is truly alone. I will not be dragged down with her. I will not falter. I can only send her my Love. 

And, Matt. Oh Matt. When I close my eyes, I see your adorable smile and I will always see that for as long as I live. I gave a piece of my heart to you and there it shall be forever. It’s a gift to you whether you accept it or not. I gave it freely. The thing about giving a piece of your heart is that you can never take it back once you share it. There will always be a space…a void…in my heart. And I accept that. This is the sad part of Love that my therapist told me about. One cannot fully Love without experiencing the elegance and beauty alongside the misery and pain. They work in tandem – that’s what makes Love soooooo Grand. So complex. So powerful.

Oh Aphrodite! This is your gift to me. I understand now. You’ve shown me that I can Love again. But you wanted to remind me that there comes a great Risk with Love. That is my lesson in all this.

So, here I am Alone again.

I’m in Honolulu, Hawaii, surrounded by such beauty and paradise. The warmth of the sun caresses my skin, my face. Gentle kisses from Lord Apollo himself. I’m back home. My original home. The place of my birth. Reconnecting myself with energies that I long abandoned; yet this place has not abandoned me. This visit is trying to show me something. What is it?

I have to quiet down the pain. I have to hush the rumblings of despair. I have to listen carefully to what this experience is trying to show me. I’m almost there. I’m here for a few more days. Is that enough time? I hope so. I need to slow down now. I have to be okay with being Alone. I am Single. I am SINGULAR. One of One.

This is a journey I must make Alone. I go on. I move on.

Angry Thoughts

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I still have remnants of anger about this break-up.

The secret is known only to two people… and it’s tearing me apart. I want to tell more people and release my pain. I am so angry about the situation now.

He was so unfair to me and part of me wants to get back at him… But I know the repercussions of doing so. 

I want to tell the world that he and I were intimate. That he and I were having sex. I want his boss to know; I want my boss to know. I want it to be told. 

I want people to lose trust in him. But as a result they’ll also lose trust in me.

All this anger just boiling inside me. I know it’s wrong to break this secret. I know it’s wrong. Deep down inside…my heart protects him still. In the name of Love… In the name of Light… I choose to keep this secret until I die.

No one will know about us except the two. No one will know and he will succeed in all that he does. He will fly and change the world. While I will watch from afar.

A secret until my dying day. A secret that will burn and consume me. And still everything remains unfair at the moment. But I will not react to the Opponent. I will not let him push me over the edge. I will not let him win. I will thrive and feel the Light.

No Hope

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In order for me to move on, I must let go of the Hope. I must have no Hope. Only then can I function as a Whole.

To let go of Hope, is to let go of you. To let go of the possibilities. 

To let go of everything. To stop holding on. To let go.

And fall…

P.S. Matt

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I wanted to tell you that I had received horrible news from my family the night we last chatted. My mom is very sick and I am helpless to do anything about it. On top of that my stepfather, her husband, just died recently and I wasn’t able to be there for her. 

What made this week worse was my Ex decided to sell the house we owned together. I was forced to move the remaining items I had in storage. It was an exhausting process which I wanted to share with you to help minimize my stress.

But I decided to let you speak. I decided the night was yours and not mine. I know now that you don’t care about me. I didn’t realize I would hurt you so much that you’d pull away.