Category Archives: Chronicles

These are the musings of my life. These are essential backstories to the manifesto.

Dear Matt

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I don’t even know where to begin. 

There are so many emotions running through me right now. Feelings that I did not anticipate or predict. I fell in love with you. I took a chance and let go and let myself be vulnerable. Little did I know that while I was falling for you that you were also feeling the pressure of my existence. You told me too late and instead of letting me help you through this, you let me go. In a moment of stress and anxiety, you withdrew from me without giving me a chance.

Perhaps I never should have driven over that night. Maybe I should have just ignored you. But I care about you. I love you and wanted to help you through this. I didn’t know the price I would pay for my love. For that I’m so sorry.

I’m not going to lie to you or tell you I feel good about the situation. In fact, I feel terrible and wish I could prevent myself from driving over that evening. I wish I could go back in time because I know in my heart we would still be together if I would have stayed home. But I believe in second chances. We make mistakes and often react to the spontaneous impulses of being human.

I also noticed that your friendship towards me has also changed. That’s something I can’t reconcile either. You don’t want to be romantically involved with me yet you also push me away. Despite this one night, I have always thought of myself as a good friend even though we had to maintain a professional level along with the long distance between us. I have always been your friend and told you I’d be there for you when things ended.

In my mind and heart, I still have hope for us. I want us to talk about this and explore a different possibility. I know one exists where you can satisfy my needs. One where we can remain committed and strive towards a common ground…perhaps even common future. So hear me out: I want to try again. I want us to try again. In a different configuration that would allow you not to feel like you’ve failed.

My needs would be simple yet would definitely satisfy me and connect us:

  • We text each other once a day just to say “Hi” or “I’m thinking of you.” That’s all it takes.
  • We can chat over the phone randomly throughout a week just to hear each other’s voice.
  • We try to see each other at least once a month. If that’s not possible, then we adjust it to every two months. If that doesn’t work, we just keep adjusting until we’re able to make it work.
  • When we’re in each other’s home city, we reserve at least an hour together. We just find time and agree in advance the date and time and we commit to it. The rest of the time we can focus on work. If more time frees up, we can negotiate additional time together.
  • If we are feeling stressed about something, we agree to talk about it over the phone or in person. No texting. This will help bring us closer together.
  • We can talk about other goals that will you feel comfortable with the situation. No worries at all. 

We can make this work. I know it. You have to let go of thinking about the future and we both have to stop worrying about failure. You brought such happiness into my life and you’ve challenged me to move forward outside of my comfort zone. I also looked forward to you every week – you are a beacon of light in my life. I told you that I would rather have you in my life than not have you in my life and what I’m going through right now is proving that. I need you in my life. I do. I need you more right now than I think you need me. It’s my selfishness that is driving me. I want you in my life. I want you, Matt. 

I love you, Matt. I do.

I hope you can learn to love me too. We can teach other so much. We’re all learners, right? We are all students in this school of life and love. We’re also teachers too… and we have to teach each other. We can’t give up on someone who has made a mistake the first time. I won’t give up on you. This is a learning opportunity for growth. 

Can we try again?

Randy

The Wounds Are Still Raw

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My heart is still aching from the events of the week. I am still quite fragile.

I am depressed, but I think I’m moving towards recovery. When I think about Him, my heart drops and a gentle sigh comes out. I had high hopes for the both of us. Sent a lot of positive energy into the relationship so things could work.

Little did I know he would feel so much pressure. Under Pressure.

I can’t cry anymore, but I want to. I’m exhausted and drained.

I want to run away… I almost did, but I chose not to. I chose to stay to confront my demon(s). I chose to stay because of Hope. I chose to stay because All Will Be Well. 

My Life in Chamomile

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I am depressed. Loss of appetite and heartbroken. I know that this will pass, but I hate the time that it takes to pass in-between. I have honestly thought of killing myself this week. Not for Matt, not for my Ex, not for my mom. No, more selfish than that, i wanted to kill myself for me alone.

I even imagined and planned how I would do it. Step 1, buy a bottle of sleeping pills. Step 2, make sure my Ex is watching the dog. Step 3, keep my front door unlocked for easy access. Step 4, post a cryptic Tweet. Step 5, clean up my office. Step 6, take a shower and dress up beautifully. Step 7, take the pills in the morning after acupuncture. Step 8, position myself correctly on my yoga mat and go to sleep.

I don’t know how long it would take but I don’t know what would happen afterwards. I probably won’t be discovered for three days. Which would be gross. But oh well.

All I know is that I’m really tired. I’m exhausted. Tired if being alone, tired of being lonely. Tired of this existence.

But still, I continue on. Why? I have no idea.

Maybe the Universe has other plans for me…

The Carnival Is Over

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According to the 5 stages of grief:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

I have gone through 1-3 in the last 24 hours, with #4 happening in parallel with the first three. Matt no longer wants anything to do with me and I don’t know why. I sent him a text message to try and end things on a positive note, but he never responded. I ran into him in the restroom and told him that I missed him and he did was nod. WTF?!

Matt no longer likes me and he wants nothing to do with me.

Matt has moved on and so must I.

Matt is too immature to handle a relationship at his age. He’s more married to his work than anything.

Matt doesn’t like me anymore.

Matt DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

MATT DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

I have to get that in my head! He’s moved on and so must I. It’s over.

I Miss You

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Oh Matt… I Love You. I Miss You.

Why did we break-up last night?! WHY!?!?

My heart aches for you. I am numb. I know that I am creating pressure for you. “My existence” you say adds pressure. You are torn. I’ve become a distraction.

All I want to do is hold you in my arms.

I love you so much. I miss you so much

About A Boy

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Hugh Grant’s character said it best in About A Boy: “Once you open the door to one person, anyone can come in.”

In my melancholy daydreams last week, I started reminiscing of people I’ve met over the last year. On New Year’s Eve, I started actually thinking about Matty J and wondering how he was doing. First, let me remind everyone about Matty vs. Matt. Matty was the first guy I met last year after my break-up. You can read about him in the original blog post. Yes, he is actual a Matt, but goes by the nickname Matty. I just want to differentiate between the two Matts.

Matt is the new guy who I’m falling in love with and who I’m “exclusively dating”.

Anyway, I started to think about Matty on New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t just a passing thought. It was a reminiscing moment that played through memories of dates and hanging out. I think I started to miss him at that moment.

Last Friday (My Birthday), he texted me to tell me Happy Birthday. Just out of the blue… We hadn’t texted since early June. The universe was listening and it responded immediately.

Matty and I did dinner on Saturday night and it was like no time had passed at all! It was an incredible evening and my heart started to warm up to him. I know that when we first met, I wasn’t ready to date him at all. He sent me a message telling me that I’m “hot” and a “sweetheart.” 

Yes, I think he is still interested in me. We’re planning to hang out again. A movie perhaps…

So now what? I’m exclusively dating Matt, but now Matty has come back and is expressing curious interest in me. What do I do? My heart is torn. Do I invest energy into a Long-Distance Relationship with a guy I am falling in love with?  Or, do I transition, ending my dating with Matt, and then start to engage interest with Matty?

I wish I could do both. But I’m not wired that way. Why do I have to be such a romantic?

Emergence

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Like a Phoenix from the Ashes – I am reborn.

My former self – a shadow I shall not mourn.

The tears have poured out of me and drowned my heart,

But I stand defiant, no regrets, looking for a new start.

Stone. If not, Steel. Surrounded by Wings of Flame to carry me high!

Discard. No more Discord. The Night ends; The Dawn draws nigh.

Look upon me: I am formidable.

Defiance in my Emergence.

A New Year

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I usually begin the year with a set of commitments or resolutions I strive to do for the year. I believe I only had 1 or 2 set for 2013 and I completed them all.

This year has already begun with a heavy heart. I sense 2014 is going to be another challenging year for me. I know that I am strong. I know that I can overcome anything. I’ve proven that to myself time and time again. But there’s only so much a human being can handle before succumbing to the physical limitations of just being human.

But I hold my head up high and move ahead. These are my commitments for 2014:

  • To learn to be comfortable with the ambiguity in my life. This means giving up some control and bending with the cosmic forces of the Universe.
  • To be more proactive and less reactive; thus, surrendering myself to the Light. What I’m learning from the Kabbalah.
  • To love without fear or regret. 
  • To balance my mind and spirit by honing the body. (P90X3!!!)
  • To connect and reconnect with new friends and old acquaintances. 
  • To emerge from my cocoon, transformed, and let go of the old me, but not forget about him and what he’s been through in the past year.

With Love,
R.

 

Peeling Back The Onion

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On this New Year’s Eve, I’ve been more pensive than normal. I realized that I’ve kept myself busy all year long, distracting myself from my true emotions. Work has been amazing at keeping me focused on projects and deadlines. For the past two weeks, the slowness of the holiday season, has really given me a chance to peel back the onion a little bit more.

I’ve been awful at keeping friendships over the last 5 years. It’s very apparent this holiday season as I find myself alone most of the time, seeking a companionship I cannot find. I am truly alone. Sure, I have friends that invite me to Thanksgiving, to Christmas Eve, to dinners and Happy Hours… but none of them is able to share the intimacy I so crave.

The man of my dreams lives 2500 miles away from me and doesn’t want me as a boyfriend.

So, the solitude and silence has forced me to deal and confront these miserable feelings. By a stroke of luck, I finally began reading: The Power of Kabbalah by Yehuda Berg. I was not ready to ready this a year ago. Timing is superb. The text has helped me focus quite a bit and stirred up the emotions of being alone.

Each time I peel back a layer of the onion, I feel more raw and exposed. I cry not just a little; I cry a lot. Each peel gets closer to the core. I’m not used to this and I’ve been running away from confronting it for the past year. 

I don’t know how many more layers I have to peel, but I laugh at the thought of this same time last year I was crying for hours for a very different reason. Shit. What the fuck!? Will my holidays always be spent so miserably? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried my best to maneuver from this sad existence – I’ve forced myself to go out, to celebrate, to put up those fucking Christmas decorations… I did it all! And when I start to feel really good about my life, when I start to connect with what Kabbalists call the Light of the Universe, obstacles just suddenly appear when I least expect them to. 

I think I need another good cry before this year is over. More tears to cleanse my soul. Just like when I’m cutting or peeling into an actual onion, the longer I take with it, the more my eyes sting and the more the tears flow.

Eventually, there’s no more onion left, right? That’s something to look forward to. The onion is finite. There will come a time when there are no more tears. No more layers. No more onion.

Until then, I will let myself cry.

Holiday Revelations

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I just received a phone call from my aunt. My mom’s sister. One of her sisters.

My mom is not doing well and I’m helpless to do anything to rectify the situation. I could probably do it if I won a million bucks, but that isn’t the reality.

My stepfather, her husband, died of lung cancer recently. This piece of news I just found out today as well. To make matters worse, my mom is unable to keep work and is living off of her Social Security which makes it more difficult. She’s not able to work and stay in reality. Her schizophrenia is at it’s worse. She’s not taking any medications and she’s barely able to stay coherent.

My aunt told me that she’s about to be kicked out of her home. She wanted to see if I could help her out, but I can’t. I truly cannot. I’m in a bind. I feel absolutely guilt-stricken and I can’t do a thing about it. Why does news like this always happen during the holidays? My life is a fucking joke.

Here I am thinking about my heart and finding the man of my dreams when my mom is suffering and about to become homeless. This is Karma telling me to pay attention and prioritize my life. Oh, but the irony is: if I was still with Chris, I think I’d be able to support her. The irony is that this path that I’ve just taken in 2013 has derailed not only my life, but any chance of supporting my Mom through this.

My Aunt was in tears over the phone, setting me off as well. I’m at Starbucks as I type this… In full view of strangers as I grieve.

My Aunt is going to take over the finances of my Mom’s. She’s going to help as best as she can. Her final words to me before she hung up: “We’re family. We take care of eachother. We’re family… We’re family…”

Yes, we are. We are family.