Category Archives: Chronicles

These are the musings of my life. These are essential backstories to the manifesto.

Adding Value

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I woke up this morning to a text message from Matt. Basically, how much he misses me and can’t wait to call me.

I responded in the like and told him that I was “his”. He didn’t respond as I anticipated. In fact, he responded guiltily and said I deserved a lot more – someone who can give me more.

I was straight forward and asked him if he wanted to end it. He replied that he didn’t, but feels like a bad person to be with. Throughout our text messaging, he shared that he was so wrong for me and that I deserved better. All probably true, but my heart is already in love with him. 

Is this the tragedy that I was trying to avoid? Why have I fallen in love with someone who is not in the right configuration for me? Perhaps the answer is simple: I’ve just chosen Matt because the matters of the heart are unexplainable at times. I just love him.

The conversation continued on with him wanting to know how he “adds value” to my life. I told him the truth: He challenges me in a way I’ve never been challenged before, by pushing me outside of my comfort zone and letting me grow in a way I have not realized. The “growing” is painful at times, but I’m realizing how strong I can become. In addition, he’s proven to me that I can love another person again. Isn’t that value add enough?

So, he got on his flight and is heading home to DC. 

I left him with a few thoughts and parting words: 

  • How do I add value in his life?
  • Why does he want to date me?
  • Why doesn’t he want to let me go?

More to follow, I’m sure.

Days of Christmas Past

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I had an acupuncture appointment this morning with the specific intention to help elevate my mood and help my energy levels. While in the midst of the treatment, a buried memory from years past emerged: 

I was around 5 or 6 years old living in Hawaii with my parents (prior to their divorce). We rented a room in Kalihi (a suburb of Honolulu) at a house of a middle-class Filipino family. The owners included a mom, dad, young daughter near my age and their son in their early-to-mid 20s. 

I think I may have been sexually abused by their son. But in my memory, it seemed like I knew I was always gay and I wanted to explore his body. The memories are a bit fragmented:

  • A playful shower with him.
  • A nude men’s magazine he showed me.
  • When he was “asleep”, I recall crawling under the blankets as he protested and I proceeded to explore his body.

I also remember my father finding out and going ballistic on him. There was a lot of screaming and yelling. I think I was told I couldn’t hang around him anymore and we soon moved out. I also remember seeing a cardboard cut-out of Sesame Street’s The Count and how much I enjoyed playing with the cut-out.

When we first moved into the place, it was in the evening. I remember holding some glasses in the dark. I must’ve slipped or lost my footing. I ended up breaking those glasses and cutting my arm. The gash was large and I was taken into the emergency room for some stitches.

Even now the scar still shows on my left arm. Some scars don’t go away, I guess. Their with you for the rest of your life.

The Pull

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Right now, I’m wondering how strong the pull between us can be given the time and distance. Am I playing a game? No. I’m just being realistic. 

If the pull is strong enough, he will engage me. If not, c’est la vie!

How strong is the gravitational pull between us?

Love Fool

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Matt texted me today wishing that I was holding him. I told him I missed him.

What I’m learning about Matt is that he doesn’t share his emotions all that well. He is totally cerebral and speaks from the head rather than the heart. For all his problem-solving talents, his lack of passion from the heart is something he needs to work on.

I was honest with him (albeit over text): I told him that I haven’t really dated anyone I really liked since over 8.5 years ago. I basically told him I don’t know how to engage him. How to maintain his attention. So I asked and he said that I should do nothing to maintain his attention. And so, I shall. As simple as it sounds. Again, I don’t think he hears me. I don’t think he understands the concept of feeding the fire. Absence does make the heart grow fonder only if you’re in a committed boyfriend-to-boyfriend relationship. And that we are not. We’re merely exclusively dating.

But the conundrum here is: dating of any kind is usually sustained by actual face-to-face interaction over the course of once or twice a week. There is a 4-week interlude between us! That doesn’t sound like dating at all. How can two people who are dating, not actually date for over 4 weeks?!?

That is what I’m trying to reconcile. Here are the facts:

  • Matt lives in DC. I live in Seattle.
  • We never have full on phone conversations.
  • We text a lot. But his messages are always brief and cryptic.
  • Work always comes first; so that always limits time together.
  • If/When he’s in Seattle, it’s only for 3 days. Only nights are free to connect, but even that is always a longshot.
  • When we do see each other, he only talks about work. He never wants to get to know about me unless I direct the conversation to personal life.
  • It’s a win for him every time he sees me because of the sex.
  • He’s always putting me at a distance when I ask him to stay over because he’s not used to sleeping over with anyone.
  • When I speak from my heart – he puts on his problem-solving hat and attempts to analyze me, always resulting in him thinking I’m insecure.
  • When I try to pull away, instead he pushes me away.
  • He says he would be a bad boyfriend no matter what, so he can’t be my boyfriend.

For me, I have nothing to lose, but I have nothing to gain either. I do care about him. I think I can honestly say that I love him too, but he said that it will not go anywhere beyond dating. How do you think that makes me feel? The irony is that I want to invest more in him and give him attention, but that means going into a boyfriend level. Something he doesn’t want to do! He wants me to act like a boyfriend who can be confident and strong and committed, but I really can’t because I can’t really be that for him. He wants the best features of having a boyfriend without really having one in his life. Is that commitment phobic?

Or am I just a fucking Love Fool?!?!

It Feels Like Forever

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I just received news that I won’t see Matt until January.

My heart is aching. But this is/was part of the deal. 

I wonder how strong the pull will be between us. Will it weaken? Will it strengthen? 

I’m not afraid of the pain that comes with caring for someone…with loving someone… It’s okay for me to cry and grieve for the moment. I miss him dearly.

San Diego

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Escape.

On the verge of complete and total burn out, so I decided to take a day trip to San Diego. The excursion was three-fold: 1) to get a dose of Vitamin D; 2) to try and hit my airline MVP Gold status; and 3) to try and clear my head. I think I accomplished #1 and #3. I have yet to find out if I hit #2.

The sunny weather did help my mood. I was a stranger in a not-so-strange land. There’s something therapeutic and cathartic being alone in a city who doesn’t know you. You’re free to explore the native land without having to run into people you know. It’s absolute solace at times. I walked around the downtown area for about 5+ miles and just meandered down the various streets.

I had lunch at Cafe 21, followed by amaretto & hazelnut gelato at the Chocolat Cremerie. I strangely found myself at the Banana Republic and purchased a pair of winter gloves at 50% off. (They were very cute gloves.)

I worked for a bit, responding to e-mails. But for the most part, I found myself peeling away my own onion. The layers were many, but I finally let it all go. I have a single fear driving me: The fear of being alone.

The reality is that I’m not alone. I have people around me who love and care for me. I need to start putting things in motion where I can have them over – opening up that void I’ve kept closed for a year now. I was…am dynamic. There’s a magnetism about me that I’ve denied my friends and family now for quite some time. My heart maybe heavy, but I know that’s all part of the deal.

To love, is to run the risk of feeling pain. I will probably get hurt again, but such is life!

One funny thing to note is that in the hotel I was staying in, I was awoken to the sound of lovemaking (fucking) by my neighbors. It was after 2:00 am. I’m guessing they just returned from the night out. It could have been a random hook-up for all I know, but she was very vocal to him. He must’ve been good. Or he must’ve paid her well. 🙂

It’s amazing what a day of Vitamin D can do to you. I highly recommend that if you need to clear your head. For the most part: Mission Accomplished. I’ve achieved #clarity.

Fear

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It’s been just over a year since I started my break-up. My transition. My transformation. Chrysalis.

Matt came into my life at the most unexpected time. I’m pleasantly surprised. We’ve been officially “exclusively dating” each other for about 6 weeks now. It’s been an optimal dating situation. He lives in Washington, D.C., and I live in Seattle. He comes to Seattle about 3-4 days a week and I expect him to be here until mid-January. After that, everything is up in the air.

He’s told me already that he can’t be my boyfriend because he would be a bad boyfriend. But he can offer his compassion, intimacy and friendship at the least. So, I agreed.

My mind is swirling with possibilities, but the one I want the most is something that can never be. So, am I punishing myself? I thought this long and hard… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not. I have good intentions and so does he. We obviously care about each other. We miss each other once in a while. There’s an honest and grounded connection between us. I mean, that’s the least we can ask, right? That’s the least any relationship can ask for.

I’ve decided to enjoy the moment of this experience for its simple bliss. I cannot control the outcome; nor predict the future of us. One thing is certain: I’m falling in love with him. Someone said to me: Like a coin, there are two sides to love: the joy and the pain. We cannot love someone without the risk of the pain. They go together. That’s what makes it so intense. So, that’s why i choose to go one with Matt. Why should I deny myself the chance to love someone?

If it ends, it will probably break my heart, but that’s part of the deal. It’s the risk I’m willing to take. Sure, I fear getting hurt a year after the break-up of my long term relationship. But knowing that I can actually love someone again is an unexpected revelation. So, yes, Matt. I do love you.

My Proposal

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Little did I know the lure of Witchcraft would bind me to you.

An unexpected Enchantment cast from somatic components:

First a glance, then a stare, a flash of a smile – all true.

To my delight to discover that you were not an opponent.

Tis in your eyes I see potential;

Only a matter of time – its all eventual.

In my core, dare I ask thee?

To be the one to share this Journey?

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

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I have some good news and some not-so-good news. First, I started dating again. It’s the first person in a year where I’ve wanted to share more of myself and open up. I guess the recovery time took longer than expected. Sorry to those who wanted to date me when I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t all for naught though. They helped to move me past the hard parts this last year. They were the ones who I needed to learn from. They were casualties of love.

The not-so-good part is that the guy I’m dating is a much younger man. The youngest I’ve actually dated ever. Instead of just enjoying the present moments, I’m worrying about my age.

I’m beginning to think that I’m continuing some kind if self-destructive behavior. I keep asking why I do this to myself, why I meet people who cannot truly love me for who I am. I’m a glutton for punishment.

It’s after midnight in DC as I type this. My expectations were shattered this evening because of a stupid fantasy I had with this new guy. I don’t want to give out too much detail on him quite yet, I’m a superstitious type and don’t want to jinx myself.

We’ve been dating for about three weeks now. Hoping it will last another week… For now, I will let this pain consume a tiny part of my heart. He knows I like him and he says he likes me too, shouldn’t I just trust in that and just enjoy it? Why can’t I just let myself enjoy the good parts? Why do I have to be such a basket case?

I must trust in my older age and wisdom, I’ve experienced so much more than him. I should know better, but do I really?

Fade Into You

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Hello blog. It’s been ages. I’ve had so many thoughts and over the past 6 weeks… I’m slowly getting over this fear. Fear of confronting these feelings. I hate putting them down in words because once I do – it becomes a permanent part of the universe.

I’m listening to Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You and am reminded of a long lost love. His name was Eric Lee. I was in San Jose and I was barely out of the closet. I was working on my BA at the University and we happened to work at the same part-time job location. He was not that much younger than me. We definitely connected.

Each time I hear this song, I think of him and the fucking misery I was in. Not being able to tell him how much I loved him. It was gradual. From colleagues to friendship to best buds… We hung out at odd hours and he was so engaging and interested in me. But it was doomed from the start. Unrequited love at its finest.

Those things stay with you forever if left unresolved. Nothing happened between us. Or maybe something. I can’t recall. Or I’ve buried it in my soul. Either way, he stepped out of the picture. We grew apart. I often wonder how he’s doing and where he’s living now.

Soon after, I came out of the closet. I met a guy named Andy A. I’m sure he’s still around… no longer in California. Somewhere warm and sunny where he wanted to be. This was another one of my disastrous tragic relationships. I stole him away from his boyfriend of two years. Damn. I was so fucked up back then. I crossed those boundaries.

He broke up with his boyfriend for about two weeks. We had an amazing time and it felt like forever. But who knew? Guilt got the best of him and he went back. Apologetic and forgiving. I was the asshole. Billie Myers’ Kiss The Rain will always remind me of him. The last time I saw him, I agreed to meet him at the laundry mat. He was doing laundry and I drove there to meet him.

I still see him sitting on one of the washers reading a book. Like a scene from a movie, I walk in and smile at him. Recalling the passionate few weeks we had together. Who was I to think I could have a man like him? A poet, a writer, a movie buff… qualities that drew me to him. I said “Hi” and he said “Hi”. Tears welling up in his eyes.

I forgave him for breaking my heart because the fault was actually mine. He held my hands and kissed me. The world stopped turning and time slowed down. I wanted him for myself. I couldn’t have him.

After a few words were exchanged, I wished him good bye. I pulled out a wooden charm from my pocket and handed it to him. I told him: “This is a symbol of protection. I hope your heart is protected and that you’ll think of me from time to time.” I smiled and drove off. I cried for weeks often thinking of running back to him and begging him to be with me. But I never did. I buried those feelings and held my head up high.

When it rains, I sometimes kiss the rain and think of Andy.

The heart remembers what the mind hears. When the music plays, those memories all come back like it was just yesterday.