Category Archives: Chronicles

These are the musings of my life. These are essential backstories to the manifesto.

Avoidance

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I’ve been fearful.

I’ve been fearful of this blog and all my thoughts transposed onto it. 

I’ve been purposefully avoiding it because I hate the reminders of being single. 

I am doing much better lately. I just have been running away from my feelings a bit. Taking a time out and reflecting on my current state of mind. of Heart.

Right now, listening to Brendan Perry’s solo album, Ark. I got pulled into his music because of my thirst for Dead Can Dance. I was craving something new, but old. A reminder of a time in my life where Darkwave ruled supreme. 

I hooked up with a couple of guys in the past 2 weeks. They’ve been pretty good distractions. More on the both of them later. I promise. I met up with a potential date, but that fizzled out as well. (Thank you, OK Cupid.) 

I wonder if the person I’m supposed to be with next is even in this city. Things I keep thinking about that no longer consume my soul. I have to keep Hope alive, but for now, I’m going to stop looking.

Recluse

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I have been a hermit lately. This funk I’m in has pretty much numbed my heart. I’ve become a bit of a recluse… well, more than a bit. I’ve not been wanting to be social at all. I continue to be pensive and contemplative of my situation. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the really good and happy memories in my former life/relationship. It’s self-torture I know – but the really good memories – the ones that make me smile is something to be cherished, right?

There’s this one particular beautiful memory where we were on the Oregon coast, about an hour south of Portland. It happened to be a cold Spring morning. There’s some coastal fog and the dampness on the sand. I recall running on the beach and the dog enjoying himself. There was a sense of solitude and solace. We were the only ones on the beach.

So peaceful, so removed from the stress of reality. It was almost like a fantasy. I was so happy. I felt the calmness and serenity of it all. Even the dog was ecstatic! So surreal. 

Fast forward 3 years later, I never would have imagined being in this situation I am in now. God(dess). Why the fuck do I keep torturing myself like this?

I’ve been watching a lot of dramas lately. Thankful for Netflix! Each one of the films always ends in a happy ending, always romantic. Fuck. I want that. I don’t think I had that in my previous relationship. I had something close, but nothing like a Hollywood ending. But I guess that’s the truth of romance. 

We all want that happy ending, but we have to understand that we only get half of that. Some people live in denial and want more, when we should just be satisfied with what we have right now.

Immobilized

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I’ve been exhausted the past couple of weeks and I’m still quite tired right now. I haven’t been meeting anyone and have been in seclusion over the weekends. I’m not really moving forward as I’d hope. It’s been an incredibly slow pace.

My therapist wants me to go out and about and do small spontaneous interactions with random guys. E.g., when I’m at the supermarket and I do some small conversation with the cashier. Or go to a bar and introduce myself to a cute guy.

The thing is I’m less spontaneous in those situations because I don’t have that social/outgoing personality as some other people do. That’s just not how I’m built/wired. 

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Online dating is somewhat of a challenge as well. I think I’m not going work at this because I’ll just end up disappointed. I’m going to let go and be carefree. Even though I’m a planner, I can’t just plan this process. I’m too fucking analytical.

Lonely

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Wow. I’ve never felt this lonely in a long time. When I was in a relationship, I’ve felt alone, but I never felt lonely. Now that I’m single, I’m finding that a lot of the activities that require a boyfriend/partner is a bit of an eye-opener for me. 

I had a nice, long, and relaxing weekend and felt totally alone. Summer time is filled with vacations – so a lot of the people I would typically hang out with are traveling. Except for me. I’m doing a “stay-cation” and as a result don’t have anyone to hang out with. 

I have my dog, who requires a lot of attention and care, so I’m definitely keeping myself busy. But it’s a bit sad not having someone I could easily cuddle with. Someone I can watch a movie with. Or even take a walk around the city with. 

I’ve started to dabble in Manhunt. UGH. Far worse than Grindr. But we’ll see. I’m trying to keep an open mind. 

The sun keeps shining here in Seattle. I think the excess Vitamin D is keeping my mood elevated for the most part. So thank you weather gods!

I can honestly say that I’m tired of hooking-up with guys and “one night stands”. Maybe in a younger day I wouldn’t have cared so much. I’m beginning to think I won’t find my soulmate in Seattle.I have a feeling he lies elsewhere in the globe. So, what does this mean for me? Only time will tell.

Dissolution of Partnership

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Today, I received a formal agreement from my Ex. It was a “Dissolution of Partnership” to make our separation final and legal. Basically, it’s a 3 page document stating that we’re no longer “partners” and that we have no financial obligations to each other. On top of that, it clearly outlines the who owns what.

This is finality at its best. 

In this day and age, one can never be too safe from retribution. It’s a society of material goods and fear of losing those material goods. So, people draw up contracts and agreements in order to protect themselves. 

Of course, I was expecting this from my Ex. I expect no less. He got the house, the furniture, the cat and the long-term investment. I lost all that, plus the car. BUT I got the dog and I got my self-regard and dignity. 

The irony of gay relationships is that it all begins out of lust and then moves into love. But somewhere between love and hate, the relationship starts to get tied up in money and property and material things. Some people choose to stay despite the challenges and lack of love because there’s just so much already invested in the relationship. Blood, sweat and tears…and money.

But others realize there’s so much more to life than that. One’s happiness is key. Whatever strength a person can muster, they do it. They end the relationship and sacrifice EVERYTHING in order to move towards something more substantial and less material. It’s hard to do – but hope drives it.

Anyway, I need to find an attorney to review this Dissolution. Just when I thought things were completely over, I still have some work to do. Such is life!

The Heat is On

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There’s definitely a correlation between warm weather and the male libido. The sun has many benefits – aside from Vitamin D – it puts guys in a happier mood, if not hornier. In Seattle, where grey clouds and wet weather tend to put a damper on mood, the sunny days brings about an excitement all too rare. Fortunately, this year we’ve had better luck this summer with sunny days.

Today was no exception. Sunny and delightful 80 degrees, people were out and about enjoying the great weather. I found myself inspired to going to Downtown Seattle where I could run a few errands, including a visit to Target and an Aveda run. Dressed in a comfortable polo shirt, khaki shorts and sandals I walked through the crowds enjoying the vibe.

I arrived early at Pacific Place. The stores were still closed and had yet to open. I had 15 minutes to spare, so I sat on a bench and proceeded to browse Grindr.

-3A few minutes later I noticed him from afar walking past the central sandwich/salad station at the bottom of Pacific Place. He was a white guy, about 5’10” 155 lbs. He had short dark brown hair and very English features. He had a tan colored top with a nice green shorts and dark colored boat shoes. We immediately made eye contact and locked our gaze. He meandered slowly past me and I kept my attention on his.

He was obviously distracted by me and acted if he didn’t notice. He glanced lightly at a store window display and quickly turned around to look at me. At which point, I smiled at him. He got the clue. He walked down towards the escalator and again turned around to look at me. I was still staring back at him. (He’s probably thinking that I’m a bit of a psycho.) I quickly turned my head to look at my phone.

I turned back to look at him again and he was on the escalator all the while staring at me. He was headed to the second floor. I caught his gaze above while he was on the second floor. He was heading into the restroom.

At that time, I should have taken cue and ran up to the restroom to join him. BUT I was too lame. Whatever inner voice that exhibits my rational and logical part was in full control of my libido. DAMNIT.

A few minutes later he comes out of the restroom and glances down at me and I smile at him. He proceeds back down the escalator and is making direct eye contact with me as I’m doing with him. The sexual tension was so intense by now I was getting a hard on. I smiled at him again.

But still – that part of my brain that said: “don’t do anything stupid” was still in control. FUCK! He got off the escalator, walked away towards a jewelry store, not before turning around and staring at me again. SIGH.

At this point, I wanted to ask him for coffee or a drink. But how awkward was that. First off, why the hell is he going into a jewelry store?! A person only goes there if they’re purchasing a gift of some sort. For his partner? For his fiance? Was this guy even gay? Probably just a married straight man looking for someone to give him a good blow job while his wife is out shopping at some clothing store nearby.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to risk looking stupid, so I went into Aveda to purchase my skin care supplies. In the middle of the purchase, I turned around to the entrance of the store to see him coming back from the direction of where I was seated originally. He was obviously looking for me and I wasn’t there. Damn. He didn’t see me in Aveda either. SHEESH.

I panicked a bit and wanted my transaction done and over with. But Aveda’s WONDERFUL customer service delayed me a while longer. (Damn freebies and offering to do a spa treatment!) When I left the shop, it was too late. He was already gone.

I know that was a connection. Albeit a temporary one… with someone who was daringly responsive to my non-verbal cues. I just wish I had the balls to engage. Note to self: Need to figure out how to quiet my inner rational voice without the use of alcohol.

Fear Itself

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My therapist told me today that I’m an amazing, considerate, attractive, fun, smart, intelligent, remarkable, positive attitude, and genuine individual. Basically, I’m a catch for any gay man who is interested.

BUT, fear of failure and getting my heart broken is keeping me at bay. 

I need to find the strength to ignore the fear that speaks to me when I need the confidence to be all those qualities. I am holding myself back. It’s so ironic.

He said that I don’t see myself the way others do. That damn inner voice is sabotaging my future happiness. I cannot allow that to happen. This is one of the hardest obstacles I’ll need to overcome. 

There’s nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Unrequited (Love)

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Is it possible to send my love out to the Universe and have someone drawn to me?

It’s kind of like a Wish. You put it out there and Hope that it comes true. Based on some random notion that it will come true. A Wish can be very specific and the outcome is very small with such a narrow focus.

What I’m wanting to do is to put all this Love and Energy I have in my Heart and pour it out into the Universe and see what happens. My broad focus is kind of like casting a very large net out into this small pond. I’m bound to catch something right?

The irony of all this is: I think I found someone who I think I can date. After 8 months of remorse and healing, my eyes are open to the possibilities and I found the man of my dreams.

The catch is that he doesn’t live in Seattle. He’s “visiting” from College and currently resides in the Bay Area in California. On top of that, I have a sense that he’s already taken. (Boo!) The good ones are always taken. Why is that? If the circumstances were different, I’d definitely ask him out and date him. It’s a bit unbearable to be near him and want him so badly. But I don’t want to seem so “stalker-ish” and always drool/flirt with him when he’s around. So, instead I act aloof and disinterested. (Even more ironic, right?)

One thing is for certain: I know what I want. He’s out there. (He’s here.) I just have to find someone who’s interested in me.

Here fishy, fishy.

Recluse

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After an exhausting 2+ week conference (and prep), I feel like disconnecting. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more of a recluse the past couple weeks on my free time. I don’t feel like socializing with anyone at all.

At the same time, I’ve noticed that my dog is exhibiting the same behaviours. We have both become reclusive creatures. I need to do something about that.

On top of all of this, I realize that I don’t know how to “meet” anyone anymore. I am tired of the bar scene and have eliminated that option altogether. I’m getting tired of Grindr because of the same people online, plus I don’t think anyone is really into me here in Seattle. Craigslist is only good for one night stands. Match.Com is horrible at finding good matches. People at work are all taken. SIGH.

My friend CJ recently posted this article on Facebook: http://www.yourtango.com/2013188018/love-analysis-paralysis-digital-age 

I describe this as “The Grindr Effect”. You can select, filter, search, and message a person instantly – based on specific preferences. There is no room for variance anymore. Specificity has become a curse in this day and age of online relationships. There’s no room for error. As a result: a really great guy with amazing potential is often passed up based on the >5% standard deviation of one’s target person. This is a bit depressing.

So what to do?

You disconnect and become disgusted with how people are so finicky about guys. One becomes a recluse to focus on other things in life. At least for the time being…

Intimacy

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I have been in the midst of a work conference for the past 2 weeks. It’s been consuming all of my free time and so I haven’t been able to feed my blog.

Over the past several days, I’ve been in the midst of a psycho-emotional disconnect. I’ve been a tad more abrasive to people and blame it on my single-ness. I speculate that I’ve been irritable because I’ve not had any intimacy for awhile now.

I’m not speaking about sex. (I’ve had sex in the last 3-4 weeks, so that’s gotta count!) No, I’m speaking about the connections we make with someone and the moment in time where we inhabit the same space, the same energy, and the same vibration of the cosmos. It’s the moment where you’re watching television with that special someone and you move closer to them to get more comfortable.

The moment when you’re in bed with them and you wake up in the middle of the night and turn to your side and feel that sense of peace when your know they’re right next to you. When you’re shopping at the mall and they’re shopping with you and you are trying to find that right shirt and they’re there to give you feedback on the colors. Or that moment, you’re watching a movie at the theatre and you get scared by a particular scene and your hand finds his in the dark and you grasp on for all your life.

It’s all those things… I’ve been surrounded by happy couples, people I know or strangers on the street, I think Seattle’s warmer weather is just bringing them all out, but they have all been serving as a reminder of something missing in my life.

And my heart aches just a little bit each time.

Sex is so easy to get. So quick, so immediate, so superficial. The release is purely biological, but my soul craves so much more than sex. I crave that warmth, the connection, the bond that you can share with a loved one.

The crave, the yearning, is becoming so intense I’m starting to lose sight of what I truly want. This is what happens to lonely people: they immediately latch on to the first guy that they can connect with. Taking a chance, a quick chance, with someone who may not be suitable for them in the long run.

So, what do I do?

Eventually, the torture of seeing others’ intimacy will probably numb me. I think I have to just ride this out for now. I don’t know how long it will last. I. Crave. Intimacy.