Category Archives: Chronicles

These are the musings of my life. These are essential backstories to the manifesto.

Fragmented

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After a big break-up, you don’t realize how fragile you are. I think I was able to find the strength to move forward with my life. It was me on automatic pilot – I knew where the destination was, but I wasn’t really navigating the plane. The fragile state I was in finally took its toll and I now know that I’m fragmented.

It is no wonder why I am struggling to repair myself. I feel exhausted and know that the easy way out of this is to not care. To just continue to fragment and crumble. But I’m not willing to give up on my Hope.

I am in the process of repairing the fractures in my soul. It is taking much longer to heal, but I’m getting there. I notice that the less fragmented I become, the more mobility I have. I don’t feel stifled anymore.

Imagine the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. After several rain storms, his exterior begins to rust and erode. There’s stiffness in his joints, but still he’s able to move forward. Imagine him trying to fix himself with whatever means necessary. At first, he doesn’t have all the materials required for such extensive repair, but little-by-little, day-by-day, he finds components that help patch him up; or even replace parts of his system. Eventually, he is back to normal again in all his metallic glory.

I’m starting to defragment. I feel a bit more cohesive every day. I can’t wait until I’m whole again.

Vulnerability

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I saw my therapist on Friday and he noticed that I’ve been making excuses of late for potential guys to date. I didn’t notice it until he called it out. For example, with C.J., I described him as “too young” for me; while my neighbor, Chris D, was just “not into me” because I couldn’t sense his interest.

He said that it made total sense that I’m in this “excuse making mode” – I’m afraid to get hurt again and I’m protecting my heart. He recommends that when I’m ready to start dating I need to be willing to take that risk to be vulnerable again.

Relationships and dating means opening up to someone and having that vulnerability. I have to understand that there is the chance that I might get hurt, but I cannot hide from that risk. It’s the pain of being human. I have to put my heart out there.

I know that some guys won’t be into me even though I may be into them. And that’s okay. If I don’t take the risk, I’ll end up being single for a long time. So, I’ll make the conscious effort to be vulnerable. If (and when) I get a little heartache, at least I have this manifesto to write it out.

Here goes nothing.

Dear John

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It’s Independence Day weekend and what a better way to feel more independent than to express my Freedom. Freedom from the past; Freedom from my self-doubt; Freedom from my Ghosts. And so I write this letter to my Ex as a way to release myself and move into Forgiveness and Freedom.

I don’t really know where to begin.

I know that we’ve spent over 8 years together building our lives, our future, our hopes and dreams. Your alcoholism is a permanent curse that cannot be lifted. I was stupid for thinking that I could try to change you. I was an idiot to think I could just Love and Learn and Understand you. To be patient with you and accept you for what you are. But I was wrong.

You are and will forever be an addict. Incurable. To live an exhausting existence. I’ve told you before that if we broke up, you could only have a healthy relationship with another addict. In my heart, I know that is the truth. The irony of the blind leading the blind, I suppose.

What you did to me over the last several years of our relationship wasn’t fair to me. I did my best, and yet, you took advantage of me. I made so many compromises to support you in your career, in your dreams. And yet, you did so little to support mine.

I have invested so much time and energy into our relationship that I forgot what it was like to sustain my own personal dreams. But that’s what I do. I take care of others before I take care of myself. It’s my flaw.

I am so angry at you for ruining our relationship. You blame me for not loving you the way you wanted me to. You blame me for not being intimate with you. You blame me for the poor choices that you’ve made. Instead of confronting me and being honest, you chose deceit and cheated on me for God knows how many times.

You finally chose to come clean at the most inopportune time. You ruined my Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas holiday, New Year’s Eve/Day, and my most monumental of birthdays. When I needed you most, you turned your back and put all the energy into your family. I knew at that moment I wasn’t your family. I knew I was alone.

I know that it still hurts for me when I see you. You are a reminder of what once was. But I don’t want you to have any more power over me. What you did was unforgivable – but I have to forgive you. It’s not fair for my heart. The love I have is deserving of another. You are not worthy. My heart was broken. It still aches every now and then when something reminds me of our former relationship. I think that will be the case moving forward, but the hurting won’t be so bad over time.

I feel sorry for you and your distorted perspective. Buddhism dictates that we must learn the lessons in our lifetime; lest we get reincarnated into another lifetime until we accept those lessons. I know that I have done the work to learn from this experience, but I don’t think you’ll ever learn in this lifetime.

I am angry at you, but I forgive you. You fucked up my life, but it’s only temporary. What I’ve proven to myself is that I’m strong and that I’m a survivor. My road to recovery is a short one – yours is for the rest of your existence.

I have such joy and love to share with world. It’s such a waste to just keep it all inside me. You hurt me, but I will heal. You destroyed my life, but I will rebuild. You betrayed me, but I will live in truth. I know life isn’t meant to be fair, but we should at least treat each other with compassion.

As painful as it is to write this, I forgive you. I forgive you with all my heart. We were never meant to be. I forgive you.

Good-bye,

Randy

Letting Go

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Tonight, I’ve finally decided to let go.

I realize that I’ve been grieving over the death of a dream. I’ve been holding on to the agony and the pain of what once was. That’s why I kept feeling sorry for myself. It’s because I chose to hold on to remnants of that dream of a future that can no longer be. At least not in its previous configuration.

I’m alive and I can continue to thrive if I so choose. I choose to live and I choose to thrive. I have so much to offer to the world. It could have been much worse for me, but my strength and my hope has made me a survivor. I’m ready to move on now.

Everything I’ve invested over the last 8+ years of my life isn’t for nothing. It all becomes a part of me. All those experiences are now and always have been a part of me to bring/share in this next chapter. The hopes, dreams and aspirations all add value to that next person/relationship in my life. And for that, it brings a smile to my face.

Wisdom, it’s all wisdom. And I will get to share it with someone I love. The excitement of it all gives me something to look forward to.

And for that: I am grateful.

Clarity

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I finally hit my moment of clarity after over 6 months of analysis and contemplation. I give credit to Ayanna. We had lunch today at Japonessa and it was like old times. We’re officially caught up and up-to-speed on the trial and tribulations of our lives. Gotta love those 3.5 hour lunch dates – tears, laughter and all!

I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop feeling sorry for myself. I will give myself permission to cry when I want to, but I won’t feel sorry for myself anymore. It’s okay to feel sad once in awhile, but I will turn to the joy of life and revel in it. Life is too short to waste on misery and despair.

So, I’d like to thank my best friend and fag hag, Ayanna, for snapping me out of it.

The temperature is hot here in Seattle. The Sun is providing the Vitamin D I need to celebrate Pride this weekend. Although I’m alone, I’m going to celebrate my singleness. So, I’ve decided to fire up my Grindr once more.

I just updated my profile and photo and will take a look at it in about an hour. I wanna see who’s around. My therapist says I’m an attractive, intelligent, and amazing guy. I need to share myself with the world for all to see. I’m much better now than I have been the last few years. I am free.

I now need to be carefree. This is where I was 9 years ago and this is where I will be again. I can’t worry about what people think. I think this is the lesson I am learning.

30 Days of Night

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I’ve been in self-exile for the past 30+ days.

I refuse to go on dates. I refuse to fire up Grindr. I turn down events with groups of friends. I’ve been spending time alone. Except when I’m with my dog. I think I’ve been just trying to get some clarity in my life. I’m trying to get a good perspective of what my next steps should be.

Part of this process involves a lot of alone time. I’ve kept myself so busy for the first 6 months of singledom that I have distracted my true feelings. I’ve avoided feeling the pain of being single by keeping busy at work and filling my life with hook-ups and new friends. But towards the end of May, I had an epiphany.

My therapist said I still harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards my Ex. I’ve been keeping it bottled up with travel and keeping busy. I’ve not been confronting the core of my feelings. It’s always hard to face the truth and so much easier to run away & hide.

These “30 Days of Night” have been painful and gradual. By slowly taking away all of the stimuli, what did I have left buy my thoughts and feelings. My heart was bruised and covered in pain – my distractions denied me the opportunity to heal. It’s kinda like having a stab wound. If you constantly numb the area with anesthetics, then you really don’t know how much pain you’re in (or how much blood you’re actually losing).

I was becoming less and less of me. A shadow of my former self. But remnants of the loving and hopeful person still remains. I have to salvage what I have left of me – the person people adore and enjoy getting to know. It’s not fair to have that person just shrivel away. His existence must go on!

I think I’ve peeled the onion enough now. The tears are flowing. I’m beginning to let go. I’m beginning to grieve.

Bare with me while I start to walk towards the sliver of light appearing in the distance. I am famished. I am exhausted. My eyes are tired from all these tears. I think that light in the distance is dawn. This sunrise beckons a new day. No more night. Please. No more night.

Penis Size (Part 1)

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ImageI think its time I addressed the issue of penis size. Does it really matter in my next relationship? How important is it for me to consider penis size in a guy? Should I even care about penis size?

Without disclosing my own penis size, I want to just label myself as average. I don’t think I’m amazing at all. So, I really shouldn’t judge others.

In general, I think I’m attracted to guys who have average to above average penis sizes. I think I’m more intimidated with a guy with a large or extremely large penis. I’ve had all sizes: thick, thin, long, not so long, cut, uncut, average, massive. There are some cock sizes that I’m definitely more compatible with depending on the sexual act.

I think there is some function to penis size and what one is able to accommodate for it. I really am open to all sizes at the moment, but would prefer around the average/above average size. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being important, 1 being not  important; Penis size is about a 7 for me. But depending on the guy, whether personality and other areas of compatibility are the main attraction, then I definitely will put penis size to the bottom of the list.

Right now, penis size is a non-critical in the overall scheme of things. It’s a “Nice To Have” but I’m more drawn to the friendship and personality of the guy at this point.

Virtual Romance

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Out of pure boredom, I put up a Craigslist ad this past weekend. I had no intention of actually hooking-up – I just felt bored and lonely and wanted to see how many responses I would get. It was sort of an ego stroke to get me motivated to start dating, I guess.

I received several responses, about 10% were of interest. One guy was a married guy who’s wife was out shopping for the afternoon and he wanted to kill time. Another was a visitor to the Seattle area, probably married as well, in his early 30s wanting to get off. Also, the Rock-N-Roll Marathon was happening and I noticed one ad that was posted: 38 y/o Married White Male, looking for a quick release after the race. Interesting ads. In any given moment, the ads online exhibit such lust and desperation; it’s all very entertaining!

ImageAnyway, back to my ad, I received several responses, but decided to just flirt. One guy named “JD” was so interested in me, he begged to text me and wanted to send me explicit photos of himself. Hey, to each their own, right? I’m not into sexting at all. There was a time and age where I probably would have enjoyed it immensely, but I usually find it tiresome.

JD, however, begged and begged and begged for my mobile number. Being the skeptic that I am and distrustful of guys who I just met online, I setup my Textfree account and gave him my “fake” mobile number to text. So he started texting me and seemed quite interesting.

JD’s Stats:

  • 36 y/o White guy
  • Texting me from Akron, Ohio
  • Lives with his elderly parents who are in their 80s
  • HWP – around 5’10”
  • Very cute, if not, handsome face. (I wonder why he can’t find a guy? Oh yeah, he’s in Ohio.)
  • 3rd Grade School Teacher
  • Not technically savvy at all! (A huge turn off for me.)
  • Totally into me. Or else just horny as hell and wanting to get off.

So, I think I find JD physically attractive and if he was in the same city as me, I would hang out with him and probably go out for drinks. BUT he’s hundreds of miles away from me! On top of that, he’s still in the closet. As curious as I am to find out more about him and learn about his closeted existence, I realized that this would be an investment of my time and my emotions. I genuinely care about any guy I invest time in whether its for conversation or for a hook-up.

Since this gentleman is in Ohio, the investment to get to know him would prove unfruitful since I can’t even go over and hang out with him; or even make out with him. What’s the value of that! Zero.

Part of me is curious though. I wonder how a cute guy like this continues to live in the closet. It must be a frustrating place to be. I can only imagine the desperation and loneliness living that way. For that, my nurturing behavior wants to rescue him and save him. I want to bring him into the fold of gayness and have him celebrate amongst all the openly gay men of the world!

But I don’t have the time or energy to invest in this one. Someone else in Ohio will have to be his savior. I am in the process of trying to save myself.

It’s too bad really. Because he is damn cute.

Party of One

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I have always been an independent soul from the very beginning of my life. After all, I am an only child. I always envied my friends and family who all had siblings. I often wondered what it would be like to have an older brother (or sister) to boss me around. Siblings do shape you. I would have turned out to be a very different person.

But I can’t alter reality. My parents got divorced before they were able to reproduce again. Just my luck, I guess.

As an only child, I learned to make decisions on my own. As a consequence, I’m a very decisive adult. At the same time, I can be a very stubborn individual because my decisions are always the correct decisions. I’ve done the analysis and weighed all the options (for you and me) and therefore, this decision is final.

On top of that, I never truly learned to share. By having a brother or sister, one would have automatically developed the “sharing” technique. Instead, I find it somewhat irritating to portion out a piece of “X”. In fact, I’d rather do the project or “X” on my own. In all fairness, I have learned to share more from being in a long-term relationship.

In fact, I’ve begun to establish the relationship basics (often developed in one’s teen years w/siblings) as an adult in these LTRs. Albeit amidst a lot of arguments, but I’ve learned and have grown from these experiences. Heck, I still have a ways to go – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was a relationship expert.

I am crystallizing that part of me which needs to be developed. I am attempting to answer the questions:

  • Who am I really?
  • What exactly am I looking for?
  • Who am I looking for?
  • What the fuck do I want in a relationship?
  • How can I get comfortable in my state of singledom?

Over these last 7 months, I am finding myself reverting back to my stubborn, single self. The good news is I’ve not become jaded. Not yet anyway. But I’ve noticed that I’m becoming comfortable being alone. Being a recluse. Hanging out by myself.

This is what I want, right? To be confident in my aloneness. To be strong in my loneliness. To find solace in being one.

Yet something is eating me up inside. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine to be alone. But I think I’m inadvertently confusing being alone with loneliness. Maybe I’m more lonely than I am feeling alone. I remember my therapist talking to me about this. It’s so fucking confusing.

Like I said earlier: I have so much content in my head that this is a way of releasing that jumbled up mess. Emotions are so tangled right now, I need to slowly unravel the knots. It takes time, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.

There is one truth for me this evening. Tonight, I’m lonely and alone.

The Ground Rules

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Before I proceed, I want to share the Ground Rules that I will attempt to follow on this journey through Wonderland. I’d like to think of it as the basics in what I am holding myself against in this next chapter. These rules are an amalgamation of sound advice from friends, highlights from various spiritual texts, and things I’ve learned about myself over the last 10 years. So pretty simple, right?

  • Rule #1: Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. What this means to me is that my initial lens will be that of making friends. Friendship is first and foremost. Can I hang out with this person in a friends only setting? Do we have similarities that are strong enough to keep the friendship intact? Can I share my deepest, darkest secrets with them? Can I give them shit and they give me shit back without taking things too personally? Are they good listeners?
  • Rule #2: Mutual physical attraction enhances the sexual chemistry. This one is a given. Can I move them from friend to lover without feeling guilty about it? Are they interested in my physically? Am I turned on by them physically? Are there physical features that are in sync for me? Are we sexually compatible?
  • Rule #3: Realism is the ultimate solidifier. Can the sexual relationship be taken to that next level? For example, if this guy is a bi-curious married man, how realistic can I make this into a long term relationship. Probably not. Does the person live 2500 miles away from me? If so, is a long distance relationship do-able? Maybe. Maybe not. In terms of age, can I date someone 10 years older than me or 10 years younger than me. How would I really feel about the age difference long term? I need to inject a does of reality before proceeding to that next level.
  • Rule #4: The Dog Test. I have a dog named Cooper. He’s a vicious little shit who can smell a coward from a mile away. The Dog Test is simple: Can Cooper learn to get along with him? The Dog Test also encompasses the “Social Circle Test” or “Other Friends Test” or “Family Test”… The test could mean bringing this potential into a social situation. Hanging out with close friends who know you, who know your Ex, and pretty much can be a good judge of character. So, can they pass the Dog Test?
  • Rule #5: Be Open To The Possibilities. This rule is pretty much the “Wild Card” rule that can trump Rules #1 – 4 given certain circumstances. If the passion and spark is just so overwhelming blinding, then you should give that person a chance. Or if you’ve never tried online dating before – just fucking do it! You won’t know unless you’ve tried. Also, if a co-worker suggests a blind date with some single gay guy because they think that all gay men are cute and like each other despite the variations (e.g., twink, cub, bear, daddy, tranny, jock, gaymer, etc.) and that all gays just want sex… just go on that blind date. Because you’ll never know unless you try!
  • Rule #6: If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again and again. It’s all about Hope here. I think that finding that next relationship entails making mistakes and not finding the immediate connections. It’s like going shopping for shoes. You see a style, you try it on. You look at the price and then you put it back. You see another style, try it on and it’s too uncomfortable. Just put it back. You go to another designer shoe store and see a beautiful pair, try it on and decide that the discount Nordstrom Rack was a better deal. Hopefully, no one bought those shoes by the time you decided to go back and buy them. But if someone already did, shit happens and that’s what happens when you’re fucking indecisive. Just go shopping online for shoes. Now that’s a lot harder! Just keep trying them on until you get the right fit. Eventually you’ll get tired of going barefoot and you’ll settle on something with the right fit.

Those are my Ground Rules. I reserve the right to modify or add to this list as I progress through Wonderland. After all, I will grow and evolve and probably figure out these rules suck. But until then, I need focus and something to keep me sane.