Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start
How can you be so cold? How can you be such an asshole?
You are an immature child. Just like you said you would be. WELL, all I can say is that I will continue to be your friend even though you don’t treat me like one. I will be there when you need me because that’s in my nature. I will support you in times of trouble. Because my gift is Love. And I have a lot of it.
In my dreams, I’m dying all the time
Then I wake it’s kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams, I’m jealous all the time
Then I wake I’m going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have it all. My money, my time, my body, my dog, my dog’s money. I will assume your debts and project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities you’ve never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you all this and more. Until I am so exhausted and depleted – the only way I can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else.
Finally.
I am getting clarity. Clarity once more.
I’ve run away. No, I’ve escaped the Madness of Seattle. Yes, I’ve escaped. I’m back to my roots. I’m back in my hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Family is here. Family is healing me. Amazing how their energies are helping to restore me. Am I selfish to be here to heal myself? Their love is unconditional. We’re family and family takes care of family.
I’m letting go of the “divorce.” I’m moving forward. The chapter is officially closed with all my shit moved out of the old house. More importantly, with the old house being sold to someone who will really appreciate the space. But I know every time I drive or walk past it, I will remember and feel a bit melancholy. And that’s OKAY.
Good bye, old dream with Chris. Farewell future vacations and around the world homes. Bye bye, growing old together on Queen Anne. Time for me to gather my belongings and move on.
Also, my poor mother. I accept her fate. I accept that I cannot help her. Goddess, no, I CANNOT help her. In her dark times, I cannot save her. All I can do is Love her and send what every compassion I can send. Her sisters are there to support her. I am the son of a bitch who can not live her life. She is truly alone. I will not be dragged down with her. I will not falter. I can only send her my Love.
And, Matt. Oh Matt. When I close my eyes, I see your adorable smile and I will always see that for as long as I live. I gave a piece of my heart to you and there it shall be forever. It’s a gift to you whether you accept it or not. I gave it freely. The thing about giving a piece of your heart is that you can never take it back once you share it. There will always be a space…a void…in my heart. And I accept that. This is the sad part of Love that my therapist told me about. One cannot fully Love without experiencing the elegance and beauty alongside the misery and pain. They work in tandem – that’s what makes Love soooooo Grand. So complex. So powerful.
Oh Aphrodite! This is your gift to me. I understand now. You’ve shown me that I can Love again. But you wanted to remind me that there comes a great Risk with Love. That is my lesson in all this.
So, here I am Alone again.
I’m in Honolulu, Hawaii, surrounded by such beauty and paradise. The warmth of the sun caresses my skin, my face. Gentle kisses from Lord Apollo himself. I’m back home. My original home. The place of my birth. Reconnecting myself with energies that I long abandoned; yet this place has not abandoned me. This visit is trying to show me something. What is it?
I have to quiet down the pain. I have to hush the rumblings of despair. I have to listen carefully to what this experience is trying to show me. I’m almost there. I’m here for a few more days. Is that enough time? I hope so. I need to slow down now. I have to be okay with being Alone. I am Single. I am SINGULAR. One of One.
This is a journey I must make Alone. I go on. I move on.
“I think there’s something you should know
I think it’s time I stopped the show
There’s something deep inside of me
There’s someone I forgot to be…”
I’m hoping to feel more of this…Instead of the despair.
I still have remnants of anger about this break-up.
The secret is known only to two people… and it’s tearing me apart. I want to tell more people and release my pain. I am so angry about the situation now.
He was so unfair to me and part of me wants to get back at him… But I know the repercussions of doing so.
I want to tell the world that he and I were intimate. That he and I were having sex. I want his boss to know; I want my boss to know. I want it to be told.
I want people to lose trust in him. But as a result they’ll also lose trust in me.
All this anger just boiling inside me. I know it’s wrong to break this secret. I know it’s wrong. Deep down inside…my heart protects him still. In the name of Love… In the name of Light… I choose to keep this secret until I die.
No one will know about us except the two. No one will know and he will succeed in all that he does. He will fly and change the world. While I will watch from afar.
A secret until my dying day. A secret that will burn and consume me. And still everything remains unfair at the moment. But I will not react to the Opponent. I will not let him push me over the edge. I will not let him win. I will thrive and feel the Light.
In order for me to move on, I must let go of the Hope. I must have no Hope. Only then can I function as a Whole.
To let go of Hope, is to let go of you. To let go of the possibilities.
To let go of everything. To stop holding on. To let go.
And fall…
I wanted to tell you that I had received horrible news from my family the night we last chatted. My mom is very sick and I am helpless to do anything about it. On top of that my stepfather, her husband, just died recently and I wasn’t able to be there for her.
What made this week worse was my Ex decided to sell the house we owned together. I was forced to move the remaining items I had in storage. It was an exhausting process which I wanted to share with you to help minimize my stress.
But I decided to let you speak. I decided the night was yours and not mine. I know now that you don’t care about me. I didn’t realize I would hurt you so much that you’d pull away.
the soulmate manifesto 