Tag Archives: Healing

Fragmented

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After a big break-up, you don’t realize how fragile you are. I think I was able to find the strength to move forward with my life. It was me on automatic pilot – I knew where the destination was, but I wasn’t really navigating the plane. The fragile state I was in finally took its toll and I now know that I’m fragmented.

It is no wonder why I am struggling to repair myself. I feel exhausted and know that the easy way out of this is to not care. To just continue to fragment and crumble. But I’m not willing to give up on my Hope.

I am in the process of repairing the fractures in my soul. It is taking much longer to heal, but I’m getting there. I notice that the less fragmented I become, the more mobility I have. I don’t feel stifled anymore.

Imagine the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. After several rain storms, his exterior begins to rust and erode. There’s stiffness in his joints, but still he’s able to move forward. Imagine him trying to fix himself with whatever means necessary. At first, he doesn’t have all the materials required for such extensive repair, but little-by-little, day-by-day, he finds components that help patch him up; or even replace parts of his system. Eventually, he is back to normal again in all his metallic glory.

I’m starting to defragment. I feel a bit more cohesive every day. I can’t wait until I’m whole again.

30 Days of Night

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I’ve been in self-exile for the past 30+ days.

I refuse to go on dates. I refuse to fire up Grindr. I turn down events with groups of friends. I’ve been spending time alone. Except when I’m with my dog. I think I’ve been just trying to get some clarity in my life. I’m trying to get a good perspective of what my next steps should be.

Part of this process involves a lot of alone time. I’ve kept myself so busy for the first 6 months of singledom that I have distracted my true feelings. I’ve avoided feeling the pain of being single by keeping busy at work and filling my life with hook-ups and new friends. But towards the end of May, I had an epiphany.

My therapist said I still harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards my Ex. I’ve been keeping it bottled up with travel and keeping busy. I’ve not been confronting the core of my feelings. It’s always hard to face the truth and so much easier to run away & hide.

These “30 Days of Night” have been painful and gradual. By slowly taking away all of the stimuli, what did I have left buy my thoughts and feelings. My heart was bruised and covered in pain – my distractions denied me the opportunity to heal. It’s kinda like having a stab wound. If you constantly numb the area with anesthetics, then you really don’t know how much pain you’re in (or how much blood you’re actually losing).

I was becoming less and less of me. A shadow of my former self. But remnants of the loving and hopeful person still remains. I have to salvage what I have left of me – the person people adore and enjoy getting to know. It’s not fair to have that person just shrivel away. His existence must go on!

I think I’ve peeled the onion enough now. The tears are flowing. I’m beginning to let go. I’m beginning to grieve.

Bare with me while I start to walk towards the sliver of light appearing in the distance. I am famished. I am exhausted. My eyes are tired from all these tears. I think that light in the distance is dawn. This sunrise beckons a new day. No more night. Please. No more night.