It’s been just over a year since I started my break-up. My transition. My transformation. Chrysalis.

Matt came into my life at the most unexpected time. I’m pleasantly surprised. We’ve been officially “exclusively dating” each other for about 6 weeks now. It’s been an optimal dating situation. He lives in Washington, D.C., and I live in Seattle. He comes to Seattle about 3-4 days a week and I expect him to be here until mid-January. After that, everything is up in the air.

He’s told me already that he can’t be my boyfriend because he would be a bad boyfriend. But he can offer his compassion, intimacy and friendship at the least. So, I agreed.

My mind is swirling with possibilities, but the one I want the most is something that can never be. So, am I punishing myself? I thought this long and hard… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not. I have good intentions and so does he. We obviously care about each other. We miss each other once in a while. There’s an honest and grounded connection between us. I mean, that’s the least we can ask, right? That’s the least any relationship can ask for.

I’ve decided to enjoy the moment of this experience for its simple bliss. I cannot control the outcome; nor predict the future of us. One thing is certain: I’m falling in love with him. Someone said to me: Like a coin, there are two sides to love: the joy and the pain. We cannot love someone without the risk of the pain. They go together. That’s what makes it so intense. So, that’s why i choose to go one with Matt. Why should I deny myself the chance to love someone?

If it ends, it will probably break my heart, but that’s part of the deal. It’s the risk I’m willing to take. Sure, I fear getting hurt a year after the break-up of my long term relationship. But knowing that I can actually love someone again is an unexpected revelation. So, yes, Matt. I do love you.