Tag Archives: Lonely

My Life in Chamomile

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I am depressed. Loss of appetite and heartbroken. I know that this will pass, but I hate the time that it takes to pass in-between. I have honestly thought of killing myself this week. Not for Matt, not for my Ex, not for my mom. No, more selfish than that, i wanted to kill myself for me alone.

I even imagined and planned how I would do it. Step 1, buy a bottle of sleeping pills. Step 2, make sure my Ex is watching the dog. Step 3, keep my front door unlocked for easy access. Step 4, post a cryptic Tweet. Step 5, clean up my office. Step 6, take a shower and dress up beautifully. Step 7, take the pills in the morning after acupuncture. Step 8, position myself correctly on my yoga mat and go to sleep.

I don’t know how long it would take but I don’t know what would happen afterwards. I probably won’t be discovered for three days. Which would be gross. But oh well.

All I know is that I’m really tired. I’m exhausted. Tired if being alone, tired of being lonely. Tired of this existence.

But still, I continue on. Why? I have no idea.

Maybe the Universe has other plans for me…

Recluse

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I have been a hermit lately. This funk I’m in has pretty much numbed my heart. I’ve become a bit of a recluse… well, more than a bit. I’ve not been wanting to be social at all. I continue to be pensive and contemplative of my situation. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the really good and happy memories in my former life/relationship. It’s self-torture I know – but the really good memories – the ones that make me smile is something to be cherished, right?

There’s this one particular beautiful memory where we were on the Oregon coast, about an hour south of Portland. It happened to be a cold Spring morning. There’s some coastal fog and the dampness on the sand. I recall running on the beach and the dog enjoying himself. There was a sense of solitude and solace. We were the only ones on the beach.

So peaceful, so removed from the stress of reality. It was almost like a fantasy. I was so happy. I felt the calmness and serenity of it all. Even the dog was ecstatic! So surreal. 

Fast forward 3 years later, I never would have imagined being in this situation I am in now. God(dess). Why the fuck do I keep torturing myself like this?

I’ve been watching a lot of dramas lately. Thankful for Netflix! Each one of the films always ends in a happy ending, always romantic. Fuck. I want that. I don’t think I had that in my previous relationship. I had something close, but nothing like a Hollywood ending. But I guess that’s the truth of romance. 

We all want that happy ending, but we have to understand that we only get half of that. Some people live in denial and want more, when we should just be satisfied with what we have right now.

Lonely

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Wow. I’ve never felt this lonely in a long time. When I was in a relationship, I’ve felt alone, but I never felt lonely. Now that I’m single, I’m finding that a lot of the activities that require a boyfriend/partner is a bit of an eye-opener for me. 

I had a nice, long, and relaxing weekend and felt totally alone. Summer time is filled with vacations – so a lot of the people I would typically hang out with are traveling. Except for me. I’m doing a “stay-cation” and as a result don’t have anyone to hang out with. 

I have my dog, who requires a lot of attention and care, so I’m definitely keeping myself busy. But it’s a bit sad not having someone I could easily cuddle with. Someone I can watch a movie with. Or even take a walk around the city with. 

I’ve started to dabble in Manhunt. UGH. Far worse than Grindr. But we’ll see. I’m trying to keep an open mind. 

The sun keeps shining here in Seattle. I think the excess Vitamin D is keeping my mood elevated for the most part. So thank you weather gods!

I can honestly say that I’m tired of hooking-up with guys and “one night stands”. Maybe in a younger day I wouldn’t have cared so much. I’m beginning to think I won’t find my soulmate in Seattle.I have a feeling he lies elsewhere in the globe. So, what does this mean for me? Only time will tell.

Party of One

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I have always been an independent soul from the very beginning of my life. After all, I am an only child. I always envied my friends and family who all had siblings. I often wondered what it would be like to have an older brother (or sister) to boss me around. Siblings do shape you. I would have turned out to be a very different person.

But I can’t alter reality. My parents got divorced before they were able to reproduce again. Just my luck, I guess.

As an only child, I learned to make decisions on my own. As a consequence, I’m a very decisive adult. At the same time, I can be a very stubborn individual because my decisions are always the correct decisions. I’ve done the analysis and weighed all the options (for you and me) and therefore, this decision is final.

On top of that, I never truly learned to share. By having a brother or sister, one would have automatically developed the “sharing” technique. Instead, I find it somewhat irritating to portion out a piece of “X”. In fact, I’d rather do the project or “X” on my own. In all fairness, I have learned to share more from being in a long-term relationship.

In fact, I’ve begun to establish the relationship basics (often developed in one’s teen years w/siblings) as an adult in these LTRs. Albeit amidst a lot of arguments, but I’ve learned and have grown from these experiences. Heck, I still have a ways to go – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was a relationship expert.

I am crystallizing that part of me which needs to be developed. I am attempting to answer the questions:

  • Who am I really?
  • What exactly am I looking for?
  • Who am I looking for?
  • What the fuck do I want in a relationship?
  • How can I get comfortable in my state of singledom?

Over these last 7 months, I am finding myself reverting back to my stubborn, single self. The good news is I’ve not become jaded. Not yet anyway. But I’ve noticed that I’m becoming comfortable being alone. Being a recluse. Hanging out by myself.

This is what I want, right? To be confident in my aloneness. To be strong in my loneliness. To find solace in being one.

Yet something is eating me up inside. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine to be alone. But I think I’m inadvertently confusing being alone with loneliness. Maybe I’m more lonely than I am feeling alone. I remember my therapist talking to me about this. It’s so fucking confusing.

Like I said earlier: I have so much content in my head that this is a way of releasing that jumbled up mess. Emotions are so tangled right now, I need to slowly unravel the knots. It takes time, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.

There is one truth for me this evening. Tonight, I’m lonely and alone.