Tag Archives: Matt

Reunited

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It was Thursday after 5:00 pm when I received his text.

I was still in the office finishing some last minute projects prior to my departure the next morning. It was unexpected and surprising. “How are you?”

I felt the numbness that comes when you receive a message when you least expect it. It was a surreal moment and at the same time welcoming. I did not even allow myself the opportunity to imagine this day, this moment. No. I had accepted his silence and decision to disengage. I had made peace with him leaving my life. I could not see a future where he would return. 

“Were you really going to leave DC without even texting a hello?”

I respected his decisions. I thought he didn’t want to be in touch anymore.

“I think I would value having you in my life as a friend very highly.”

We agreed to meet at 8:00 pm at my hotel. The anticipation had begun. After an early evening meet-up at a restaurant with a colleague, I quickly returned to my hotel room to freshen up. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought how old I looked. I also saw how unpresentable I was. It was a long week and I had no plans of seeing him ever again. The bags under my eyes seemed so pronounced.

He would be here in 5 minutes.

I changed my shirt and sweater. I was happier in this outfit. (And warmer too!) I took a deep breath and told myself I could do this. He just wants to reconnect…for friendship. I proceeded down the elevator and found the couch in the lobby that faced everyone. The next few minutes felt like a million years. I sat down on the couch and unbuttoned the bottom button of my coat. I pulled out my iPhone and began to read my Twitter feed.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him. It had been over a month since we last saw each other. Even longer since we last spoke…since I last held him in my arms. I stood fast and noticed how quickly he was moving towards me. I moved even quicker. 

Time stood still. Everything around us just stopped. I held him close; he held me closer still. Oh my God. How I missed him so. I held him again. I didn’t care who was watching us. He held me tightly as well. I could feel myself in his strong embrace. I felt his chest breath against mine. I didn’t want this moment to end.

We walked briskly to the restaurant. Catching up on the past several weeks. I was reminded of a visit last November where he and I walked to another restaurant. I held his hand in mine and I was so tempted to hold his hand again, but he just wants to be friends, right? 

We sat at the bar and ordered our drinks. The food came out soon afterwards. We talked about work; we talked about dating. The question did gnaw at me and so I asked him: “Why now? Why after all this time have you decided to reach out to me?” He told me that he was finally ready to be my friend. That he has learned to let go of a lot of stuff over the past several weeks. I told him that it suited him. I wasn’t ready to give in yet. I had my wall up and didn’t open up as easily as he did. I wanted to be sure there was no coldness, no uncaring, no traps for me to fall into. 

The dinner ended and we proceeded outdoors. I wanted to give him the choice. I didn’t want to be the desperate Ex-lover who wanted him badly. No, I gave him the choice.

“So, do you have to go home now? Do want to go home now? Or do you want to hang out?”

He told me that he really should go back home. He was tired and needed rest. At that moment, my heart dropped and felt the moment slipping away. But something in him paused. He wanted to see me. So instead, we headed back to my hotel room.

I turned the TV on in the room and proceeded to put my jacket in the closet. He had already made himself comfortable. I smiled at him. I sat on the bed next to him. There was a space between us, but that lasted only seconds when I said: “Come here.”

This is what I was craving the most. Him next to me. Near me. Pressed up against me. His head on my chest. I smelled his hair and kissed his forehead. He was mine again and I was his. I held him close. “Are you okay with this?”, he asked. “Yes,” I said. With all my heart, YES.

We kissed and I held him close. His familiar touch, his familiar scent, his familiar taste… We were together again. At that moment, I realized that my vision of the Jellyfish had come true. I was frightened and humbled at what the Goddess had given me. 

Oh Matt, how I’ve missed you so much.

Angry Thoughts

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I still have remnants of anger about this break-up.

The secret is known only to two people… and it’s tearing me apart. I want to tell more people and release my pain. I am so angry about the situation now.

He was so unfair to me and part of me wants to get back at him… But I know the repercussions of doing so. 

I want to tell the world that he and I were intimate. That he and I were having sex. I want his boss to know; I want my boss to know. I want it to be told. 

I want people to lose trust in him. But as a result they’ll also lose trust in me.

All this anger just boiling inside me. I know it’s wrong to break this secret. I know it’s wrong. Deep down inside…my heart protects him still. In the name of Love… In the name of Light… I choose to keep this secret until I die.

No one will know about us except the two. No one will know and he will succeed in all that he does. He will fly and change the world. While I will watch from afar.

A secret until my dying day. A secret that will burn and consume me. And still everything remains unfair at the moment. But I will not react to the Opponent. I will not let him push me over the edge. I will not let him win. I will thrive and feel the Light.

P.S. Matt

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I wanted to tell you that I had received horrible news from my family the night we last chatted. My mom is very sick and I am helpless to do anything about it. On top of that my stepfather, her husband, just died recently and I wasn’t able to be there for her. 

What made this week worse was my Ex decided to sell the house we owned together. I was forced to move the remaining items I had in storage. It was an exhausting process which I wanted to share with you to help minimize my stress.

But I decided to let you speak. I decided the night was yours and not mine. I know now that you don’t care about me. I didn’t realize I would hurt you so much that you’d pull away. 

Dear Matt

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I don’t even know where to begin. 

There are so many emotions running through me right now. Feelings that I did not anticipate or predict. I fell in love with you. I took a chance and let go and let myself be vulnerable. Little did I know that while I was falling for you that you were also feeling the pressure of my existence. You told me too late and instead of letting me help you through this, you let me go. In a moment of stress and anxiety, you withdrew from me without giving me a chance.

Perhaps I never should have driven over that night. Maybe I should have just ignored you. But I care about you. I love you and wanted to help you through this. I didn’t know the price I would pay for my love. For that I’m so sorry.

I’m not going to lie to you or tell you I feel good about the situation. In fact, I feel terrible and wish I could prevent myself from driving over that evening. I wish I could go back in time because I know in my heart we would still be together if I would have stayed home. But I believe in second chances. We make mistakes and often react to the spontaneous impulses of being human.

I also noticed that your friendship towards me has also changed. That’s something I can’t reconcile either. You don’t want to be romantically involved with me yet you also push me away. Despite this one night, I have always thought of myself as a good friend even though we had to maintain a professional level along with the long distance between us. I have always been your friend and told you I’d be there for you when things ended.

In my mind and heart, I still have hope for us. I want us to talk about this and explore a different possibility. I know one exists where you can satisfy my needs. One where we can remain committed and strive towards a common ground…perhaps even common future. So hear me out: I want to try again. I want us to try again. In a different configuration that would allow you not to feel like you’ve failed.

My needs would be simple yet would definitely satisfy me and connect us:

  • We text each other once a day just to say “Hi” or “I’m thinking of you.” That’s all it takes.
  • We can chat over the phone randomly throughout a week just to hear each other’s voice.
  • We try to see each other at least once a month. If that’s not possible, then we adjust it to every two months. If that doesn’t work, we just keep adjusting until we’re able to make it work.
  • When we’re in each other’s home city, we reserve at least an hour together. We just find time and agree in advance the date and time and we commit to it. The rest of the time we can focus on work. If more time frees up, we can negotiate additional time together.
  • If we are feeling stressed about something, we agree to talk about it over the phone or in person. No texting. This will help bring us closer together.
  • We can talk about other goals that will you feel comfortable with the situation. No worries at all. 

We can make this work. I know it. You have to let go of thinking about the future and we both have to stop worrying about failure. You brought such happiness into my life and you’ve challenged me to move forward outside of my comfort zone. I also looked forward to you every week – you are a beacon of light in my life. I told you that I would rather have you in my life than not have you in my life and what I’m going through right now is proving that. I need you in my life. I do. I need you more right now than I think you need me. It’s my selfishness that is driving me. I want you in my life. I want you, Matt. 

I love you, Matt. I do.

I hope you can learn to love me too. We can teach other so much. We’re all learners, right? We are all students in this school of life and love. We’re also teachers too… and we have to teach each other. We can’t give up on someone who has made a mistake the first time. I won’t give up on you. This is a learning opportunity for growth. 

Can we try again?

Randy

The Carnival Is Over

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According to the 5 stages of grief:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

I have gone through 1-3 in the last 24 hours, with #4 happening in parallel with the first three. Matt no longer wants anything to do with me and I don’t know why. I sent him a text message to try and end things on a positive note, but he never responded. I ran into him in the restroom and told him that I missed him and he did was nod. WTF?!

Matt no longer likes me and he wants nothing to do with me.

Matt has moved on and so must I.

Matt is too immature to handle a relationship at his age. He’s more married to his work than anything.

Matt doesn’t like me anymore.

Matt DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

MATT DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYMORE.

I have to get that in my head! He’s moved on and so must I. It’s over.

I Miss You

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Oh Matt… I Love You. I Miss You.

Why did we break-up last night?! WHY!?!?

My heart aches for you. I am numb. I know that I am creating pressure for you. “My existence” you say adds pressure. You are torn. I’ve become a distraction.

All I want to do is hold you in my arms.

I love you so much. I miss you so much

About A Boy

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Hugh Grant’s character said it best in About A Boy: “Once you open the door to one person, anyone can come in.”

In my melancholy daydreams last week, I started reminiscing of people I’ve met over the last year. On New Year’s Eve, I started actually thinking about Matty J and wondering how he was doing. First, let me remind everyone about Matty vs. Matt. Matty was the first guy I met last year after my break-up. You can read about him in the original blog post. Yes, he is actual a Matt, but goes by the nickname Matty. I just want to differentiate between the two Matts.

Matt is the new guy who I’m falling in love with and who I’m “exclusively dating”.

Anyway, I started to think about Matty on New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t just a passing thought. It was a reminiscing moment that played through memories of dates and hanging out. I think I started to miss him at that moment.

Last Friday (My Birthday), he texted me to tell me Happy Birthday. Just out of the blue… We hadn’t texted since early June. The universe was listening and it responded immediately.

Matty and I did dinner on Saturday night and it was like no time had passed at all! It was an incredible evening and my heart started to warm up to him. I know that when we first met, I wasn’t ready to date him at all. He sent me a message telling me that I’m “hot” and a “sweetheart.” 

Yes, I think he is still interested in me. We’re planning to hang out again. A movie perhaps…

So now what? I’m exclusively dating Matt, but now Matty has come back and is expressing curious interest in me. What do I do? My heart is torn. Do I invest energy into a Long-Distance Relationship with a guy I am falling in love with?  Or, do I transition, ending my dating with Matt, and then start to engage interest with Matty?

I wish I could do both. But I’m not wired that way. Why do I have to be such a romantic?

Adding Value

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I woke up this morning to a text message from Matt. Basically, how much he misses me and can’t wait to call me.

I responded in the like and told him that I was “his”. He didn’t respond as I anticipated. In fact, he responded guiltily and said I deserved a lot more – someone who can give me more.

I was straight forward and asked him if he wanted to end it. He replied that he didn’t, but feels like a bad person to be with. Throughout our text messaging, he shared that he was so wrong for me and that I deserved better. All probably true, but my heart is already in love with him. 

Is this the tragedy that I was trying to avoid? Why have I fallen in love with someone who is not in the right configuration for me? Perhaps the answer is simple: I’ve just chosen Matt because the matters of the heart are unexplainable at times. I just love him.

The conversation continued on with him wanting to know how he “adds value” to my life. I told him the truth: He challenges me in a way I’ve never been challenged before, by pushing me outside of my comfort zone and letting me grow in a way I have not realized. The “growing” is painful at times, but I’m realizing how strong I can become. In addition, he’s proven to me that I can love another person again. Isn’t that value add enough?

So, he got on his flight and is heading home to DC. 

I left him with a few thoughts and parting words: 

  • How do I add value in his life?
  • Why does he want to date me?
  • Why doesn’t he want to let me go?

More to follow, I’m sure.

The Pull

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Right now, I’m wondering how strong the pull between us can be given the time and distance. Am I playing a game? No. I’m just being realistic. 

If the pull is strong enough, he will engage me. If not, c’est la vie!

How strong is the gravitational pull between us?

Love Fool

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Matt texted me today wishing that I was holding him. I told him I missed him.

What I’m learning about Matt is that he doesn’t share his emotions all that well. He is totally cerebral and speaks from the head rather than the heart. For all his problem-solving talents, his lack of passion from the heart is something he needs to work on.

I was honest with him (albeit over text): I told him that I haven’t really dated anyone I really liked since over 8.5 years ago. I basically told him I don’t know how to engage him. How to maintain his attention. So I asked and he said that I should do nothing to maintain his attention. And so, I shall. As simple as it sounds. Again, I don’t think he hears me. I don’t think he understands the concept of feeding the fire. Absence does make the heart grow fonder only if you’re in a committed boyfriend-to-boyfriend relationship. And that we are not. We’re merely exclusively dating.

But the conundrum here is: dating of any kind is usually sustained by actual face-to-face interaction over the course of once or twice a week. There is a 4-week interlude between us! That doesn’t sound like dating at all. How can two people who are dating, not actually date for over 4 weeks?!?

That is what I’m trying to reconcile. Here are the facts:

  • Matt lives in DC. I live in Seattle.
  • We never have full on phone conversations.
  • We text a lot. But his messages are always brief and cryptic.
  • Work always comes first; so that always limits time together.
  • If/When he’s in Seattle, it’s only for 3 days. Only nights are free to connect, but even that is always a longshot.
  • When we do see each other, he only talks about work. He never wants to get to know about me unless I direct the conversation to personal life.
  • It’s a win for him every time he sees me because of the sex.
  • He’s always putting me at a distance when I ask him to stay over because he’s not used to sleeping over with anyone.
  • When I speak from my heart – he puts on his problem-solving hat and attempts to analyze me, always resulting in him thinking I’m insecure.
  • When I try to pull away, instead he pushes me away.
  • He says he would be a bad boyfriend no matter what, so he can’t be my boyfriend.

For me, I have nothing to lose, but I have nothing to gain either. I do care about him. I think I can honestly say that I love him too, but he said that it will not go anywhere beyond dating. How do you think that makes me feel? The irony is that I want to invest more in him and give him attention, but that means going into a boyfriend level. Something he doesn’t want to do! He wants me to act like a boyfriend who can be confident and strong and committed, but I really can’t because I can’t really be that for him. He wants the best features of having a boyfriend without really having one in his life. Is that commitment phobic?

Or am I just a fucking Love Fool?!?!