I just received news that I won’t see Matt until January.
My heart is aching. But this is/was part of the deal.
I wonder how strong the pull will be between us. Will it weaken? Will it strengthen?
I’m not afraid of the pain that comes with caring for someone…with loving someone… It’s okay for me to cry and grieve for the moment. I miss him dearly.
It’s been just over a year since I started my break-up. My transition. My transformation. Chrysalis.
Matt came into my life at the most unexpected time. I’m pleasantly surprised. We’ve been officially “exclusively dating” each other for about 6 weeks now. It’s been an optimal dating situation. He lives in Washington, D.C., and I live in Seattle. He comes to Seattle about 3-4 days a week and I expect him to be here until mid-January. After that, everything is up in the air.
He’s told me already that he can’t be my boyfriend because he would be a bad boyfriend. But he can offer his compassion, intimacy and friendship at the least. So, I agreed.
My mind is swirling with possibilities, but the one I want the most is something that can never be. So, am I punishing myself? I thought this long and hard… I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not. I have good intentions and so does he. We obviously care about each other. We miss each other once in a while. There’s an honest and grounded connection between us. I mean, that’s the least we can ask, right? That’s the least any relationship can ask for.
I’ve decided to enjoy the moment of this experience for its simple bliss. I cannot control the outcome; nor predict the future of us. One thing is certain: I’m falling in love with him. Someone said to me: Like a coin, there are two sides to love: the joy and the pain. We cannot love someone without the risk of the pain. They go together. That’s what makes it so intense. So, that’s why i choose to go one with Matt. Why should I deny myself the chance to love someone?
If it ends, it will probably break my heart, but that’s part of the deal. It’s the risk I’m willing to take. Sure, I fear getting hurt a year after the break-up of my long term relationship. But knowing that I can actually love someone again is an unexpected revelation. So, yes, Matt. I do love you.
Little did I know the lure of Witchcraft would bind me to you.
An unexpected Enchantment cast from somatic components:
First a glance, then a stare, a flash of a smile – all true.
To my delight to discover that you were not an opponent.
Tis in your eyes I see potential;
Only a matter of time – its all eventual.
In my core, dare I ask thee?
To be the one to share this Journey?
This song is resonating with me at the moment. I think about Matt a lot when I hear this song. Oh Matt…
I have some good news and some not-so-good news. First, I started dating again. It’s the first person in a year where I’ve wanted to share more of myself and open up. I guess the recovery time took longer than expected. Sorry to those who wanted to date me when I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t all for naught though. They helped to move me past the hard parts this last year. They were the ones who I needed to learn from. They were casualties of love.
The not-so-good part is that the guy I’m dating is a much younger man. The youngest I’ve actually dated ever. Instead of just enjoying the present moments, I’m worrying about my age.
I’m beginning to think that I’m continuing some kind if self-destructive behavior. I keep asking why I do this to myself, why I meet people who cannot truly love me for who I am. I’m a glutton for punishment.
It’s after midnight in DC as I type this. My expectations were shattered this evening because of a stupid fantasy I had with this new guy. I don’t want to give out too much detail on him quite yet, I’m a superstitious type and don’t want to jinx myself.
We’ve been dating for about three weeks now. Hoping it will last another week… For now, I will let this pain consume a tiny part of my heart. He knows I like him and he says he likes me too, shouldn’t I just trust in that and just enjoy it? Why can’t I just let myself enjoy the good parts? Why do I have to be such a basket case?
I must trust in my older age and wisdom, I’ve experienced so much more than him. I should know better, but do I really?
Matt was the first guy I met A.B. (After Break-up). We met on Grindr (See Appendix: Grindr) by luck. I had not fired up Grindr for weeks in Seattle and out of pure boredom I finally did. The irony is Matt is also a heavy business traveler, so our paths would’ve rarely crossed on Grindr.
The dialogue between Matt and I was of an extremely friendly tone. I think we hit it off pretty well online. I thought he had a pretty cute Grindr photo (which he disclosed to me was about 2+ years old – another quirk of Grindr users, using old photos) and I’m guessing he thought the same of mine. We continued our chats via text messaging and decided to meet up for dinner.
He suggested that we have dinner at the new Indian restaurant, Shanik. (Little did I know that this was foreshadowing to the flavors he preferred in men.) I met him at the restaurant and must note that he arrived about 20 minutes late (normally, I would flag this, but let it slide… little did I know that this was another consistent theme for him in future meet-ups.)
My initial reaction of Matt was: cute guy and extremely intelligent. What a breath of fresh air! Matt works in academic healthcare as a consultant; hence his busy travel schedule. We started out with drinks at the bar and finally was seated for dinner. What I really enjoyed about the evening was his conversation. Chatting with Matt came naturally and he was able to navigate my quirkiness and random side notes. I appreciate that about a guy when they’re able to adapt to my conversation style and able to counter it with similar stride.
At the end of dinner, we hugged and promised to connect again at a later date. That was back in January and now its been over six months and we’re still friends. We’ve hooked up a few times and he’s helped me settle into my new apartment. I honestly must say that I could not have settled in so well without his warmth and his generosity. He accompanies me to my season subscription of ballet (he calls himself my “ballet slut”). It never ceases to amaze me on how well our conversations go every single time! However, I have not let it progress to anything more than friendship. I enjoy Matt a lot: he’s cute, he’s smart, he’s talented and such a great catch! But I finally disclosed to him that I wasn’t ready to date anyone. I am only into making friends at the moment.
So, it was all me. Needless to say, Matt has continued to meet guys (on Grindr) and I believe he is currently dating a great guy who has won his heart. It’s just like that saying: “You snooze; you lose.” I hope that his friendship continues to be a part of my life.
STATS:
Matt is an awesome guy! Who ever settles with him will be a very lucky man. It’s always fun hanging out with him and need I mention that he’s a culinary expert! He has a very discriminating taste which I appreciate.
the soulmate manifesto 