Tag Archives: Recluse

Recluse

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After an exhausting 2+ week conference (and prep), I feel like disconnecting. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more of a recluse the past couple weeks on my free time. I don’t feel like socializing with anyone at all.

At the same time, I’ve noticed that my dog is exhibiting the same behaviours. We have both become reclusive creatures. I need to do something about that.

On top of all of this, I realize that I don’t know how to “meet” anyone anymore. I am tired of the bar scene and have eliminated that option altogether. I’m getting tired of Grindr because of the same people online, plus I don’t think anyone is really into me here in Seattle. Craigslist is only good for one night stands. Match.Com is horrible at finding good matches. People at work are all taken. SIGH.

My friend CJ recently posted this article on Facebook: http://www.yourtango.com/2013188018/love-analysis-paralysis-digital-age 

I describe this as “The Grindr Effect”. You can select, filter, search, and message a person instantly – based on specific preferences. There is no room for variance anymore. Specificity has become a curse in this day and age of online relationships. There’s no room for error. As a result: a really great guy with amazing potential is often passed up based on the >5% standard deviation of one’s target person. This is a bit depressing.

So what to do?

You disconnect and become disgusted with how people are so finicky about guys. One becomes a recluse to focus on other things in life. At least for the time being…

Party of One

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I have always been an independent soul from the very beginning of my life. After all, I am an only child. I always envied my friends and family who all had siblings. I often wondered what it would be like to have an older brother (or sister) to boss me around. Siblings do shape you. I would have turned out to be a very different person.

But I can’t alter reality. My parents got divorced before they were able to reproduce again. Just my luck, I guess.

As an only child, I learned to make decisions on my own. As a consequence, I’m a very decisive adult. At the same time, I can be a very stubborn individual because my decisions are always the correct decisions. I’ve done the analysis and weighed all the options (for you and me) and therefore, this decision is final.

On top of that, I never truly learned to share. By having a brother or sister, one would have automatically developed the “sharing” technique. Instead, I find it somewhat irritating to portion out a piece of “X”. In fact, I’d rather do the project or “X” on my own. In all fairness, I have learned to share more from being in a long-term relationship.

In fact, I’ve begun to establish the relationship basics (often developed in one’s teen years w/siblings) as an adult in these LTRs. Albeit amidst a lot of arguments, but I’ve learned and have grown from these experiences. Heck, I still have a ways to go – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was a relationship expert.

I am crystallizing that part of me which needs to be developed. I am attempting to answer the questions:

  • Who am I really?
  • What exactly am I looking for?
  • Who am I looking for?
  • What the fuck do I want in a relationship?
  • How can I get comfortable in my state of singledom?

Over these last 7 months, I am finding myself reverting back to my stubborn, single self. The good news is I’ve not become jaded. Not yet anyway. But I’ve noticed that I’m becoming comfortable being alone. Being a recluse. Hanging out by myself.

This is what I want, right? To be confident in my aloneness. To be strong in my loneliness. To find solace in being one.

Yet something is eating me up inside. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine to be alone. But I think I’m inadvertently confusing being alone with loneliness. Maybe I’m more lonely than I am feeling alone. I remember my therapist talking to me about this. It’s so fucking confusing.

Like I said earlier: I have so much content in my head that this is a way of releasing that jumbled up mess. Emotions are so tangled right now, I need to slowly unravel the knots. It takes time, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.

There is one truth for me this evening. Tonight, I’m lonely and alone.