Tag Archives: Single

I’m Moving On

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

Finally.

I am getting clarity. Clarity once more.

I’ve run away. No, I’ve escaped the Madness of Seattle. Yes, I’ve escaped. I’m back to my roots. I’m back in my hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Family is here. Family is healing me. Amazing how their energies are helping to restore me. Am I selfish to be here to heal myself? Their love is unconditional. We’re family and family takes care of family.

I’m letting go of the “divorce.” I’m moving forward. The chapter is officially closed with all my shit moved out of the old house. More importantly, with the old house being sold to someone who will really appreciate the space. But I know every time I drive or walk past it, I will remember and feel a bit melancholy. And that’s OKAY.

Good bye, old dream with Chris. Farewell future vacations and around the world homes. Bye bye, growing old together on Queen Anne. Time for me to gather my belongings and move on.

Also, my poor mother. I accept her fate. I accept that I cannot help her. Goddess, no, I CANNOT help her. In her dark times, I cannot save her. All I can do is Love her and send what every compassion I can send. Her sisters are there to support her. I am the son of a bitch who can not live her life. She is truly alone. I will not be dragged down with her. I will not falter. I can only send her my Love. 

And, Matt. Oh Matt. When I close my eyes, I see your adorable smile and I will always see that for as long as I live. I gave a piece of my heart to you and there it shall be forever. It’s a gift to you whether you accept it or not. I gave it freely. The thing about giving a piece of your heart is that you can never take it back once you share it. There will always be a space…a void…in my heart. And I accept that. This is the sad part of Love that my therapist told me about. One cannot fully Love without experiencing the elegance and beauty alongside the misery and pain. They work in tandem – that’s what makes Love soooooo Grand. So complex. So powerful.

Oh Aphrodite! This is your gift to me. I understand now. You’ve shown me that I can Love again. But you wanted to remind me that there comes a great Risk with Love. That is my lesson in all this.

So, here I am Alone again.

I’m in Honolulu, Hawaii, surrounded by such beauty and paradise. The warmth of the sun caresses my skin, my face. Gentle kisses from Lord Apollo himself. I’m back home. My original home. The place of my birth. Reconnecting myself with energies that I long abandoned; yet this place has not abandoned me. This visit is trying to show me something. What is it?

I have to quiet down the pain. I have to hush the rumblings of despair. I have to listen carefully to what this experience is trying to show me. I’m almost there. I’m here for a few more days. Is that enough time? I hope so. I need to slow down now. I have to be okay with being Alone. I am Single. I am SINGULAR. One of One.

This is a journey I must make Alone. I go on. I move on.

Lonely

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

Wow. I’ve never felt this lonely in a long time. When I was in a relationship, I’ve felt alone, but I never felt lonely. Now that I’m single, I’m finding that a lot of the activities that require a boyfriend/partner is a bit of an eye-opener for me. 

I had a nice, long, and relaxing weekend and felt totally alone. Summer time is filled with vacations – so a lot of the people I would typically hang out with are traveling. Except for me. I’m doing a “stay-cation” and as a result don’t have anyone to hang out with. 

I have my dog, who requires a lot of attention and care, so I’m definitely keeping myself busy. But it’s a bit sad not having someone I could easily cuddle with. Someone I can watch a movie with. Or even take a walk around the city with. 

I’ve started to dabble in Manhunt. UGH. Far worse than Grindr. But we’ll see. I’m trying to keep an open mind. 

The sun keeps shining here in Seattle. I think the excess Vitamin D is keeping my mood elevated for the most part. So thank you weather gods!

I can honestly say that I’m tired of hooking-up with guys and “one night stands”. Maybe in a younger day I wouldn’t have cared so much. I’m beginning to think I won’t find my soulmate in Seattle.I have a feeling he lies elsewhere in the globe. So, what does this mean for me? Only time will tell.

Recluse

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

After an exhausting 2+ week conference (and prep), I feel like disconnecting. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more of a recluse the past couple weeks on my free time. I don’t feel like socializing with anyone at all.

At the same time, I’ve noticed that my dog is exhibiting the same behaviours. We have both become reclusive creatures. I need to do something about that.

On top of all of this, I realize that I don’t know how to “meet” anyone anymore. I am tired of the bar scene and have eliminated that option altogether. I’m getting tired of Grindr because of the same people online, plus I don’t think anyone is really into me here in Seattle. Craigslist is only good for one night stands. Match.Com is horrible at finding good matches. People at work are all taken. SIGH.

My friend CJ recently posted this article on Facebook: http://www.yourtango.com/2013188018/love-analysis-paralysis-digital-age 

I describe this as “The Grindr Effect”. You can select, filter, search, and message a person instantly – based on specific preferences. There is no room for variance anymore. Specificity has become a curse in this day and age of online relationships. There’s no room for error. As a result: a really great guy with amazing potential is often passed up based on the >5% standard deviation of one’s target person. This is a bit depressing.

So what to do?

You disconnect and become disgusted with how people are so finicky about guys. One becomes a recluse to focus on other things in life. At least for the time being…

Party of One

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

I have always been an independent soul from the very beginning of my life. After all, I am an only child. I always envied my friends and family who all had siblings. I often wondered what it would be like to have an older brother (or sister) to boss me around. Siblings do shape you. I would have turned out to be a very different person.

But I can’t alter reality. My parents got divorced before they were able to reproduce again. Just my luck, I guess.

As an only child, I learned to make decisions on my own. As a consequence, I’m a very decisive adult. At the same time, I can be a very stubborn individual because my decisions are always the correct decisions. I’ve done the analysis and weighed all the options (for you and me) and therefore, this decision is final.

On top of that, I never truly learned to share. By having a brother or sister, one would have automatically developed the “sharing” technique. Instead, I find it somewhat irritating to portion out a piece of “X”. In fact, I’d rather do the project or “X” on my own. In all fairness, I have learned to share more from being in a long-term relationship.

In fact, I’ve begun to establish the relationship basics (often developed in one’s teen years w/siblings) as an adult in these LTRs. Albeit amidst a lot of arguments, but I’ve learned and have grown from these experiences. Heck, I still have a ways to go – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was a relationship expert.

I am crystallizing that part of me which needs to be developed. I am attempting to answer the questions:

  • Who am I really?
  • What exactly am I looking for?
  • Who am I looking for?
  • What the fuck do I want in a relationship?
  • How can I get comfortable in my state of singledom?

Over these last 7 months, I am finding myself reverting back to my stubborn, single self. The good news is I’ve not become jaded. Not yet anyway. But I’ve noticed that I’m becoming comfortable being alone. Being a recluse. Hanging out by myself.

This is what I want, right? To be confident in my aloneness. To be strong in my loneliness. To find solace in being one.

Yet something is eating me up inside. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine to be alone. But I think I’m inadvertently confusing being alone with loneliness. Maybe I’m more lonely than I am feeling alone. I remember my therapist talking to me about this. It’s so fucking confusing.

Like I said earlier: I have so much content in my head that this is a way of releasing that jumbled up mess. Emotions are so tangled right now, I need to slowly unravel the knots. It takes time, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.

There is one truth for me this evening. Tonight, I’m lonely and alone.

The Ground Rules

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

Before I proceed, I want to share the Ground Rules that I will attempt to follow on this journey through Wonderland. I’d like to think of it as the basics in what I am holding myself against in this next chapter. These rules are an amalgamation of sound advice from friends, highlights from various spiritual texts, and things I’ve learned about myself over the last 10 years. So pretty simple, right?

  • Rule #1: Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship. What this means to me is that my initial lens will be that of making friends. Friendship is first and foremost. Can I hang out with this person in a friends only setting? Do we have similarities that are strong enough to keep the friendship intact? Can I share my deepest, darkest secrets with them? Can I give them shit and they give me shit back without taking things too personally? Are they good listeners?
  • Rule #2: Mutual physical attraction enhances the sexual chemistry. This one is a given. Can I move them from friend to lover without feeling guilty about it? Are they interested in my physically? Am I turned on by them physically? Are there physical features that are in sync for me? Are we sexually compatible?
  • Rule #3: Realism is the ultimate solidifier. Can the sexual relationship be taken to that next level? For example, if this guy is a bi-curious married man, how realistic can I make this into a long term relationship. Probably not. Does the person live 2500 miles away from me? If so, is a long distance relationship do-able? Maybe. Maybe not. In terms of age, can I date someone 10 years older than me or 10 years younger than me. How would I really feel about the age difference long term? I need to inject a does of reality before proceeding to that next level.
  • Rule #4: The Dog Test. I have a dog named Cooper. He’s a vicious little shit who can smell a coward from a mile away. The Dog Test is simple: Can Cooper learn to get along with him? The Dog Test also encompasses the “Social Circle Test” or “Other Friends Test” or “Family Test”… The test could mean bringing this potential into a social situation. Hanging out with close friends who know you, who know your Ex, and pretty much can be a good judge of character. So, can they pass the Dog Test?
  • Rule #5: Be Open To The Possibilities. This rule is pretty much the “Wild Card” rule that can trump Rules #1 – 4 given certain circumstances. If the passion and spark is just so overwhelming blinding, then you should give that person a chance. Or if you’ve never tried online dating before – just fucking do it! You won’t know unless you’ve tried. Also, if a co-worker suggests a blind date with some single gay guy because they think that all gay men are cute and like each other despite the variations (e.g., twink, cub, bear, daddy, tranny, jock, gaymer, etc.) and that all gays just want sex… just go on that blind date. Because you’ll never know unless you try!
  • Rule #6: If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again and again. It’s all about Hope here. I think that finding that next relationship entails making mistakes and not finding the immediate connections. It’s like going shopping for shoes. You see a style, you try it on. You look at the price and then you put it back. You see another style, try it on and it’s too uncomfortable. Just put it back. You go to another designer shoe store and see a beautiful pair, try it on and decide that the discount Nordstrom Rack was a better deal. Hopefully, no one bought those shoes by the time you decided to go back and buy them. But if someone already did, shit happens and that’s what happens when you’re fucking indecisive. Just go shopping online for shoes. Now that’s a lot harder! Just keep trying them on until you get the right fit. Eventually you’ll get tired of going barefoot and you’ll settle on something with the right fit.

Those are my Ground Rules. I reserve the right to modify or add to this list as I progress through Wonderland. After all, I will grow and evolve and probably figure out these rules suck. But until then, I need focus and something to keep me sane.

Down The Rabbit Hole I Go!

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

For most people, the new chapter in life doesn’t begin like a Julia Roberts fairy tale ending. On the contrary, the journey to healing doesn’t come with ease because the first step you take is actually a fall. At first it feels like you’re slowly drifting in space, no gravity, just drifting through endless blackness. It’s cold. You’re numb and you feel alone. Image

This is what I felt like six months ago. There’s an occasional pull from some distant planetary body; other times it can feel like a quantum singularity, a black hole, that just sucks you in. Eventually, the free fall starts to speed up. You realize that you’re actually in the rabbit hole falling endlessly until you get your bearings. Most people start to slow their descent and start to float again slowly; others keep falling aimlessly. Eventually, you hit the bottom of that hole and discover the path to Wonderland.

This is where it gets interesting. You become the proverbial Alice and start to navigate into that first room. You notice the potion and the cookie: Drink Me or Eat Me. More choices for you to take. What the hell do you do? You’re in no mood to eat or drink.

Yet your survival instincts kick in. You do one or the other or both and open the door into Wonderland.

My White Rabbit was/is my therapist. Fuck it. I wasn’t going to take this journey alone. I needed a fucking guide. This Alice was lost and I was at least functional enough to know that I needed help. The irony of it all is that I had trained myself in the arts of human behavioral sciences (a.k.a. Clinical Psychology). I knew all the techniques. I knew all the methodology. But have you ever seen a heart surgeon perform bypass surgery on himself?!

For all the strength and energy I had left – I moved on. I moved forward and I wasn’t going to falter. Some friends tell me I have such incredible willpower and determination that they have faith that I can succeed in whatever I put my mind to. Others can interpret this as stubbornness.

I’d like to attribute it to Hope.

Welcome to Singledom

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

Hello world. It’s me. Randy.

Guess what? I’m single. Again.

Back in December of last year, I mustered enough energy and enough courage to end my relationship of 8+ years. We owned a home together. We owned a car together. We spent vacations together as most couples do. He was on my health insurance. We even had two kids. One cat and one dog actually.

ImageI had a garden in our home that I tended. That I nurtured for over 6 years. One day in this garden, I was pruning the branches off a Japanese maple and thought to myself: It will be beautiful to see this grow over the course of the next 10-20 years. It made me smile and I was proud of what I had.

Our neighbors and friends all knew us as the perennial gay couple with that crazy dog and the gorgeous blue MINI Cooper. We were both physically fit and took good care of ourselves and the household. It was a dream come true.

Or so I thought at the time.

Like most couples, we’ve had our ups and downs over the years. But we managed to get through all of it. The trials and tribulations of a gay couple – of any couple – is the price you pay for being in a relationship. I know all that. We were different in so many ways, but we made it work for the most part. He was a recovering alcoholic; I was a social drinker. He was a social butterfly; I was a wallflower introvert. He has a sibling; I’m an only child. The list goes on and on.

I could spend hours analyzing the depth and breadth of our relationship, but I’m not here to write about the past. No. That was Book Three on my Chronicles of Life. I’m here to talk about Book Four and this is Chapter One.

It was early November, after I returned from a business trip in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. We had just finished watching the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, and had a big blow up about dinner. This wasn’t unique at all. Whenever he got hungry and his blood sugar was low, the Incredible Hulk would manifest itself. I had no way to defend myself. It was always a losing battle, so we’d scream at each other.

Being an introvert, my energy was easily drained after a heated argument. So, I went into my shell and go into my “reclusive hermit mode.” Needless to say, I was not the most effective communicator, but neither was he. After about a week of silence, (yes, a week) he disclosed to me that he started to see a therapist about his moods and to try to improve his communication style. Unbeknownst to him, I made efforts to do the same.

After week two of therapy, right before Thanksgiving week, he took me aside and asked me to listen to his confession. Part of me already knew what he was about to say, so I wasn’t surprised at all. But as all good, long term couples go, we’d each rather live in denial than confront the inevitable.

It took him a lot of energy and courage, that much I can say, for him to tell me. He couldn’t look me in the eyes at first and then I knew what I suspected. He said that he cheated on me.  I asked him with who. He said that he cheated on my multiple times with multiple partners. It felt like I got hit in the gut. I knew this already. I told him I suspected. He didn’t tell me how long he cheated on me, but he did say he went to the sex clubs in the city to get satisfied. I felt embarrassed and humiliated.

Then I recalled all those days where he went off on a “bike ride” or when he “went to the other gym two miles away” or when he decided to “go to a coffee shop to do some work”. I was shattered. It probably went as far back as two years. I was devastated.

The holiday season was upon me. I withdrew from all social gatherings. Thanksgiving came and went; as did Christmas. I slept in the spare bedroom on the most uncomfortable futon on the planet. The pain on my body was nothing compared to the pain in my heart and soul. I came to the conclusion that only two options lay before me: 1) To stay in the relationship and work things out, after all it was over an 8 year investment already; or 2) To start anew and have hope that I can heal from this and move on with my life without him.

I chose the latter. Right before New Year’s Eve I told him. I told him that I could never love him the way he wanted me to ever again. His actions were unforgivable. I couldn’t even look him in the eye without feeling the pain in my heart. Trust was shattered and irreparable. I must move on.

And move on I did. I decided to start fresh and give him the majority of the household items. I gave up the beautiful townhouse, the relaxing garden, the $1 million view and privacy of a home. I packed up my personal items and took the dog with me. I found a comfortable apartment that was close to work and close to the grocery store. I eventually gave up the car too.

So here I am. Single. A single gay man living in Seattle. New Year’s Day came and went; and so did my birthday. Good friends always appear when you need them the most and for that I’m grateful.

It’s been over 6 months of living alone, but I’m getting used to it. I’ve made a couple of awesome new friends and look forward to many more. Chapter One is always the hardest part to get through. It’s setting up the characters, giving you a taste of what’s happened, and tiny glimpse of what’s to be.

It’s time for me to start manifesting. I almost ready to date again. I can feel it.