Tag Archives: Therapist

Immobilized

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

I’ve been exhausted the past couple of weeks and I’m still quite tired right now. I haven’t been meeting anyone and have been in seclusion over the weekends. I’m not really moving forward as I’d hope. It’s been an incredibly slow pace.

My therapist wants me to go out and about and do small spontaneous interactions with random guys. E.g., when I’m at the supermarket and I do some small conversation with the cashier. Or go to a bar and introduce myself to a cute guy.

The thing is I’m less spontaneous in those situations because I don’t have that social/outgoing personality as some other people do. That’s just not how I’m built/wired. 

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Online dating is somewhat of a challenge as well. I think I’m not going work at this because I’ll just end up disappointed. I’m going to let go and be carefree. Even though I’m a planner, I can’t just plan this process. I’m too fucking analytical.

Fear Itself

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

My therapist told me today that I’m an amazing, considerate, attractive, fun, smart, intelligent, remarkable, positive attitude, and genuine individual. Basically, I’m a catch for any gay man who is interested.

BUT, fear of failure and getting my heart broken is keeping me at bay. 

I need to find the strength to ignore the fear that speaks to me when I need the confidence to be all those qualities. I am holding myself back. It’s so ironic.

He said that I don’t see myself the way others do. That damn inner voice is sabotaging my future happiness. I cannot allow that to happen. This is one of the hardest obstacles I’ll need to overcome. 

There’s nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Vulnerability

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

I saw my therapist on Friday and he noticed that I’ve been making excuses of late for potential guys to date. I didn’t notice it until he called it out. For example, with C.J., I described him as “too young” for me; while my neighbor, Chris D, was just “not into me” because I couldn’t sense his interest.

He said that it made total sense that I’m in this “excuse making mode” – I’m afraid to get hurt again and I’m protecting my heart. He recommends that when I’m ready to start dating I need to be willing to take that risk to be vulnerable again.

Relationships and dating means opening up to someone and having that vulnerability. I have to understand that there is the chance that I might get hurt, but I cannot hide from that risk. It’s the pain of being human. I have to put my heart out there.

I know that some guys won’t be into me even though I may be into them. And that’s okay. If I don’t take the risk, I’ll end up being single for a long time. So, I’ll make the conscious effort to be vulnerable. If (and when) I get a little heartache, at least I have this manifesto to write it out.

Here goes nothing.

Clarity

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

I finally hit my moment of clarity after over 6 months of analysis and contemplation. I give credit to Ayanna. We had lunch today at Japonessa and it was like old times. We’re officially caught up and up-to-speed on the trial and tribulations of our lives. Gotta love those 3.5 hour lunch dates – tears, laughter and all!

I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop feeling sorry for myself. I will give myself permission to cry when I want to, but I won’t feel sorry for myself anymore. It’s okay to feel sad once in awhile, but I will turn to the joy of life and revel in it. Life is too short to waste on misery and despair.

So, I’d like to thank my best friend and fag hag, Ayanna, for snapping me out of it.

The temperature is hot here in Seattle. The Sun is providing the Vitamin D I need to celebrate Pride this weekend. Although I’m alone, I’m going to celebrate my singleness. So, I’ve decided to fire up my Grindr once more.

I just updated my profile and photo and will take a look at it in about an hour. I wanna see who’s around. My therapist says I’m an attractive, intelligent, and amazing guy. I need to share myself with the world for all to see. I’m much better now than I have been the last few years. I am free.

I now need to be carefree. This is where I was 9 years ago and this is where I will be again. I can’t worry about what people think. I think this is the lesson I am learning.

30 Days of Night

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

I’ve been in self-exile for the past 30+ days.

I refuse to go on dates. I refuse to fire up Grindr. I turn down events with groups of friends. I’ve been spending time alone. Except when I’m with my dog. I think I’ve been just trying to get some clarity in my life. I’m trying to get a good perspective of what my next steps should be.

Part of this process involves a lot of alone time. I’ve kept myself so busy for the first 6 months of singledom that I have distracted my true feelings. I’ve avoided feeling the pain of being single by keeping busy at work and filling my life with hook-ups and new friends. But towards the end of May, I had an epiphany.

My therapist said I still harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards my Ex. I’ve been keeping it bottled up with travel and keeping busy. I’ve not been confronting the core of my feelings. It’s always hard to face the truth and so much easier to run away & hide.

These “30 Days of Night” have been painful and gradual. By slowly taking away all of the stimuli, what did I have left buy my thoughts and feelings. My heart was bruised and covered in pain – my distractions denied me the opportunity to heal. It’s kinda like having a stab wound. If you constantly numb the area with anesthetics, then you really don’t know how much pain you’re in (or how much blood you’re actually losing).

I was becoming less and less of me. A shadow of my former self. But remnants of the loving and hopeful person still remains. I have to salvage what I have left of me – the person people adore and enjoy getting to know. It’s not fair to have that person just shrivel away. His existence must go on!

I think I’ve peeled the onion enough now. The tears are flowing. I’m beginning to let go. I’m beginning to grieve.

Bare with me while I start to walk towards the sliver of light appearing in the distance. I am famished. I am exhausted. My eyes are tired from all these tears. I think that light in the distance is dawn. This sunrise beckons a new day. No more night. Please. No more night.

Party of One

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

I have always been an independent soul from the very beginning of my life. After all, I am an only child. I always envied my friends and family who all had siblings. I often wondered what it would be like to have an older brother (or sister) to boss me around. Siblings do shape you. I would have turned out to be a very different person.

But I can’t alter reality. My parents got divorced before they were able to reproduce again. Just my luck, I guess.

As an only child, I learned to make decisions on my own. As a consequence, I’m a very decisive adult. At the same time, I can be a very stubborn individual because my decisions are always the correct decisions. I’ve done the analysis and weighed all the options (for you and me) and therefore, this decision is final.

On top of that, I never truly learned to share. By having a brother or sister, one would have automatically developed the “sharing” technique. Instead, I find it somewhat irritating to portion out a piece of “X”. In fact, I’d rather do the project or “X” on my own. In all fairness, I have learned to share more from being in a long-term relationship.

In fact, I’ve begun to establish the relationship basics (often developed in one’s teen years w/siblings) as an adult in these LTRs. Albeit amidst a lot of arguments, but I’ve learned and have grown from these experiences. Heck, I still have a ways to go – I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was a relationship expert.

I am crystallizing that part of me which needs to be developed. I am attempting to answer the questions:

  • Who am I really?
  • What exactly am I looking for?
  • Who am I looking for?
  • What the fuck do I want in a relationship?
  • How can I get comfortable in my state of singledom?

Over these last 7 months, I am finding myself reverting back to my stubborn, single self. The good news is I’ve not become jaded. Not yet anyway. But I’ve noticed that I’m becoming comfortable being alone. Being a recluse. Hanging out by myself.

This is what I want, right? To be confident in my aloneness. To be strong in my loneliness. To find solace in being one.

Yet something is eating me up inside. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine to be alone. But I think I’m inadvertently confusing being alone with loneliness. Maybe I’m more lonely than I am feeling alone. I remember my therapist talking to me about this. It’s so fucking confusing.

Like I said earlier: I have so much content in my head that this is a way of releasing that jumbled up mess. Emotions are so tangled right now, I need to slowly unravel the knots. It takes time, but I think I’m headed in the right direction.

There is one truth for me this evening. Tonight, I’m lonely and alone.

Down The Rabbit Hole I Go!

Posted
Filed under Chronicles

For most people, the new chapter in life doesn’t begin like a Julia Roberts fairy tale ending. On the contrary, the journey to healing doesn’t come with ease because the first step you take is actually a fall. At first it feels like you’re slowly drifting in space, no gravity, just drifting through endless blackness. It’s cold. You’re numb and you feel alone. Image

This is what I felt like six months ago. There’s an occasional pull from some distant planetary body; other times it can feel like a quantum singularity, a black hole, that just sucks you in. Eventually, the free fall starts to speed up. You realize that you’re actually in the rabbit hole falling endlessly until you get your bearings. Most people start to slow their descent and start to float again slowly; others keep falling aimlessly. Eventually, you hit the bottom of that hole and discover the path to Wonderland.

This is where it gets interesting. You become the proverbial Alice and start to navigate into that first room. You notice the potion and the cookie: Drink Me or Eat Me. More choices for you to take. What the hell do you do? You’re in no mood to eat or drink.

Yet your survival instincts kick in. You do one or the other or both and open the door into Wonderland.

My White Rabbit was/is my therapist. Fuck it. I wasn’t going to take this journey alone. I needed a fucking guide. This Alice was lost and I was at least functional enough to know that I needed help. The irony of it all is that I had trained myself in the arts of human behavioral sciences (a.k.a. Clinical Psychology). I knew all the techniques. I knew all the methodology. But have you ever seen a heart surgeon perform bypass surgery on himself?!

For all the strength and energy I had left – I moved on. I moved forward and I wasn’t going to falter. Some friends tell me I have such incredible willpower and determination that they have faith that I can succeed in whatever I put my mind to. Others can interpret this as stubbornness.

I’d like to attribute it to Hope.