Hello blog. It’s been ages. I’ve had so many thoughts and over the past 6 weeks… I’m slowly getting over this fear. Fear of confronting these feelings. I hate putting them down in words because once I do – it becomes a permanent part of the universe.

I’m listening to Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You and am reminded of a long lost love. His name was Eric Lee. I was in San Jose and I was barely out of the closet. I was working on my BA at the University and we happened to work at the same part-time job location. He was not that much younger than me. We definitely connected.

Each time I hear this song, I think of him and the fucking misery I was in. Not being able to tell him how much I loved him. It was gradual. From colleagues to friendship to best buds… We hung out at odd hours and he was so engaging and interested in me. But it was doomed from the start. Unrequited love at its finest.

Those things stay with you forever if left unresolved. Nothing happened between us. Or maybe something. I can’t recall. Or I’ve buried it in my soul. Either way, he stepped out of the picture. We grew apart. I often wonder how he’s doing and where he’s living now.

Soon after, I came out of the closet. I met a guy named Andy A. I’m sure he’s still around… no longer in California. Somewhere warm and sunny where he wanted to be. This was another one of my disastrous tragic relationships. I stole him away from his boyfriend of two years. Damn. I was so fucked up back then. I crossed those boundaries.

He broke up with his boyfriend for about two weeks. We had an amazing time and it felt like forever. But who knew? Guilt got the best of him and he went back. Apologetic and forgiving. I was the asshole. Billie Myers’ Kiss The Rain will always remind me of him. The last time I saw him, I agreed to meet him at the laundry mat. He was doing laundry and I drove there to meet him.

I still see him sitting on one of the washers reading a book. Like a scene from a movie, I walk in and smile at him. Recalling the passionate few weeks we had together. Who was I to think I could have a man like him? A poet, a writer, a movie buff… qualities that drew me to him. I said “Hi” and he said “Hi”. Tears welling up in his eyes.

I forgave him for breaking my heart because the fault was actually mine. He held my hands and kissed me. The world stopped turning and time slowed down. I wanted him for myself. I couldn’t have him.

After a few words were exchanged, I wished him good bye. I pulled out a wooden charm from my pocket and handed it to him. I told him: “This is a symbol of protection. I hope your heart is protected and that you’ll think of me from time to time.” I smiled and drove off. I cried for weeks often thinking of running back to him and begging him to be with me. But I never did. I buried those feelings and held my head up high.

When it rains, I sometimes kiss the rain and think of Andy.

The heart remembers what the mind hears. When the music plays, those memories all come back like it was just yesterday.