I don’t even know where to begin. 

There are so many emotions running through me right now. Feelings that I did not anticipate or predict. I fell in love with you. I took a chance and let go and let myself be vulnerable. Little did I know that while I was falling for you that you were also feeling the pressure of my existence. You told me too late and instead of letting me help you through this, you let me go. In a moment of stress and anxiety, you withdrew from me without giving me a chance.

Perhaps I never should have driven over that night. Maybe I should have just ignored you. But I care about you. I love you and wanted to help you through this. I didn’t know the price I would pay for my love. For that I’m so sorry.

I’m not going to lie to you or tell you I feel good about the situation. In fact, I feel terrible and wish I could prevent myself from driving over that evening. I wish I could go back in time because I know in my heart we would still be together if I would have stayed home. But I believe in second chances. We make mistakes and often react to the spontaneous impulses of being human.

I also noticed that your friendship towards me has also changed. That’s something I can’t reconcile either. You don’t want to be romantically involved with me yet you also push me away. Despite this one night, I have always thought of myself as a good friend even though we had to maintain a professional level along with the long distance between us. I have always been your friend and told you I’d be there for you when things ended.

In my mind and heart, I still have hope for us. I want us to talk about this and explore a different possibility. I know one exists where you can satisfy my needs. One where we can remain committed and strive towards a common ground…perhaps even common future. So hear me out: I want to try again. I want us to try again. In a different configuration that would allow you not to feel like you’ve failed.

My needs would be simple yet would definitely satisfy me and connect us:

• We text each other once a day just to say “Hi” or “I’m thinking of you.” That’s all it takes.
• We can chat over the phone randomly throughout a week just to hear each other’s voice.
• We try to see each other at least once a month. If that’s not possible, then we adjust it to every two months. If that doesn’t work, we just keep adjusting until we’re able to make it work.
• When we’re in each other’s home city, we reserve at least an hour together. We just find time and agree in advance the date and time and we commit to it. The rest of the time we can focus on work. If more time frees up, we can negotiate additional time together.
• If we are feeling stressed about something, we agree to talk about it over the phone or in person. No texting. This will help bring us closer together.
• We can talk about other goals that will you feel comfortable with the situation. No worries at all. 

We can make this work. I know it. You have to let go of thinking about the future and we both have to stop worrying about failure. You brought such happiness into my life and you’ve challenged me to move forward outside of my comfort zone. I also looked forward to you every week – you are a beacon of light in my life. I told you that I would rather have you in my life than not have you in my life and what I’m going through right now is proving that. I need you in my life. I do. I need you more right now than I think you need me. It’s my selfishness that is driving me. I want you in my life. I want you, Matt. 

I love you, Matt. I do.

I hope you can learn to love me too. We can teach other so much. We’re all learners, right? We are all students in this school of life and love. We’re also teachers too… and we have to teach each other. We can’t give up on someone who has made a mistake the first time. I won’t give up on you. This is a learning opportunity for growth. 

Can we try again?

Randy